1. I stopped looking for beauty because:
a. I forgot.
b. My MasterCard still had a lot of room on it.
c. I bought a Lexus.
d. I drink NutraSweet-sweetened drinks all the time and it has affected my esthetic sensitivity..
WHOMPF!

2. I don't pay attention to my dreams because:
a. I prefer TV.
b. Joyce Brothers declined to sleep with me.
c. Joyce Brothers wouldn't even give me the time of day.
d. They are the random static of a computer at rest.
WHOMPF!

3. I have not learned to leave my body because:
a. I am a Republican.
b. I am not a Republican.
c. I am a Fascist at heart.
d. None of the above.
WHOMPF!

4. I read the New York Times daily because:
a. I want to keep up.
b. I want not to keep up.
c. I admire their taste, hipness, and overall je ne sais quoi.
d. I have a fourth cousin twice removed who married a Sulzberger.
WHOMPF!

5. I watch TV in order to:
a. Not think on my way to death.
WHOMPF!

6. I work in order to:
a. Have a comfortable retirement.
b. Not think on my way to death.
c. Increase my ability to empathize with plants.
d. Decrease the amount of pain in the world.
WHOMPF!

7. At this point in my life, I really need:
a. A third VCR.
b. A new penis, or, as the case may be, breasts.
c. A more compassionate boss.
d. A new battery for my Movado.
WHOMPF!

8. I wish my skin were not the color it is because:
a. All my best friends have skins of color different from mine.
b. I am basically a Tralfamadorian at heart.
c. I am deeply ashamed of myself and my race.
d. Those who rule, rape.

WHOMPF!
9. I was never receptive to Glenn Gould because:
a. He scared the shit out of me.
b. Tonality is the opiate of the 20th century masses.
c. I am a true, money-grubbing Republican.
d. Canadians, except for Peter Jennings, are beneath contempt.
WHOMPF!

10. Bill Moyers:
a. Just proves that all Texans are basically auto-fellatalists.
b. Just proves that Lyndon Johnson wasn't all bad.
c. Just proves that the "P" is PBS stands for "Prophylactic."
d. Just proves that white males are white males no matter the progressive line they mouth.
WHOMPF!

Whompff! Questions 011-020                   Magellan's Log front page
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