Up-lifting Jokes

Ecclesiastical Fricatives
A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman - almost."
The priest says, "What do you mean, 'almost'?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!"


Now He's Really Heard Everything
A young man agreed to take a new job as a traveling salesman but was concerned about what to do with his wife. She enjoyed sex way too much to sit around and wait for him for weeks at a time, desperate, he went into a sex shop looking for a vibrator that would keep his wife pleasured. When he could find none that meet with his wife's standards he cautiously approached the front desk and told the little old man standing there of his situation. The little old man thought about this for a minute and finally he pulled out a wooden box and inside it was a little wooden dick.
"This will bring your wife enormous pleasure. When you want it to work just say 'voodoo dick-my vagina' and when you want it to stop you simply say 'voodoo dick-back to your box.'"
The salesman bought the voodoo dick and presented it too his wife before he left town. A few days went by and the wife was getting lonely so she decided to use the voodoo dick. It was the best sex she had ever experienced and in fact climaxed six times. In her excitement she forgot the command to get the voodoo dick to stop. She tried everything and to no avail. Finally she got in her car and headed for the emergency room when she got pulled over by a police officer for speeding.
He asked her what was wrong and she told him,
"I've got this voodoo dick and it won't stop..."
"Oh, voodoo dick my ass...."


A Friend in Need
Tom's best friend Chris comes over one day to see Tom but Tom is not home. Tom's wife Susie opens the door and tells him to come in and make himself comfortable, Tom will be home in 15 minutes. Susie is reading a magazine and notices that Chris is looking at her rather strangely.
"Chris, is there something I can get you?", she asks.
Chris replies as a matter of fact yes. "Susie, you've got some awfully nice breasts! Tell you what, if you show me just one of your breasts I will give you $100!"
Susie sits and thinks about this for a moment. Hmm, $100 bucks, easy money, I don't have to sleep with the guy and Tom will never find out. So she decides to do it. She gets up and pulls up her shirt and lets Chris look at one of her breasts.
"Wow", says Chris, "that was nice!"
He then proceeds to throw a $100 dollar bill on the table. Susie sits back down and realizes that Chris is eyeing her again.
"Tell you what Susie", says Chris. "If you show me your other breast I will give you another $100!"
Susie thinks about it for a moment and says to herself, "Wow, $200 bucks, I don't even have to sleep with the guy and Tom will never find out!"
This time she decides to throw in a little extra and gives him a lap dance as well. Well 15 minutes had passed and Tom was due home at any moment. Chris gets up, throws another $100 dollar bill on the table and leaves. Susie is bewildered but doesn't think much of it. Just as Tom comes home Susie picks up the $200 and sticks it in her pocket.
Tom comes in and says, "Susie, why wasn't that Chris I saw pulling out of here?"
"Why yes", Susie replies.
"Well what did he want", says Tom?
"I'm not quite sure," says Susie.
Oh well, replies Tom I just hope he brought by that $200 bucks he owes me!


Top 20 Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex.
1.You can get chocolate.
2."If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3.Chocolate satisfies even when it's gone soft.
4.You can safely have chocolate while driving.
5.You can make chocolate last as long as you want to.
6.You can have chocolate in front of your mother.
7.If you bite the nuts too hard, the chocolate won't mind.
8.Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9.The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10.You can have chocolate on your workbench/desk during working hours w/out upsetting your workmates.
11.You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12.You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13.With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14.Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15.You can have chocolate any time of the month.
16.Good chocolate is easy to find.
17.You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18.You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19.When you have chocolate it doesn't keep your neighbors awake.
20.With chocolate size doesn't matter:it's always good.


Keeps Right on...
A woman goes into a pharmacy, and walks down the aisle. Halfway down the aisle, she calls to the cashier,"Excuse me, do you have any batteries?"
Unable to hear, the man signals the woman with his finger to come closer.
He says, "Could you just come this way?"
The woman laughs and tells the man, "If I could cum that way I wouldn't need batteries."


Altar Rates
A priest had been in confessions all day without a break. He really had to take a dump, and his bladder was about to burst because he hadn't been able to relieve himself all day. People kept coming to confess and the line was backed up already and he hated to leave. But he peeked out of his cubicle and signaled the janitor to come over. He asked the janitor to cover for him and gave him the confessions book then sped off in the direction of the bathroom.
The janitor was a little bewildered but he went into the cubicle and sat down. A woman came knelt in front of his window and said, "Father I have sinned. I cheated on my husband."
The janitor scanned in the book until he found "adultery". He told the woman to say 50 "Hail Mary's" and wash in holy water.
Next came a man who told the janitor, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I had oral sex with another man."
The janitor looked and looked but he couldn't find a penance listed for oral se
. He leans out of the cubicle and whispered to an altar boy: "Hey, boy, what does the priest give for oral sex?"
With a smile, the boy replied, "Five dollars and a candy bar!"


Wise Ass
Johnnie says, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister's in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade!"
The teacher had had enough. As a result, she took Johnnie to the principal's office and explained Johnnie's request.
While Johnnie waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Johnnie's teacher that he would give the boy a test and if Johnnie failed to answer any of the special questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave.
The teacher agreed. Johnnie was brought into the room. The principal told Johnnie his terms and Johnnie agreed.
Principal: "What is 3 times 3?" Johnnie: "9" Principal: "What is 6 times 6?" Johnnie: "36" Principal: "What is 9 times 9?" Johnnie: "81"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. Johnnie appeared to have a strong case. The principal looked at the teacher and told her, "I think Johnnie can go on to the third grade."
The teacher, knowing Little Johnnie's tendency toward sexual wisecracks, said to the principal, "Let *me* ask him some questions before we make that decision?"
The principal and Johnnie both agreed, Johnnie with a sly look on his face.
The teacher began by asking, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Johnnie: "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal's eyes open wide! Before he could stop Johnnie 's expected answer, Johnnie said, "Pockets."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "I think we should put Johnnie in the fifth grade. I missed the last two questions myself!"


And Now a Word from the Akron Chamber of Commerce
What do you call 365 used condoms?
A good year.

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