The Texas Tao
Handles: The Lives Behind the Voices

Biographical information was got, if at all, in a variety of ways. On a deserted stretch of interstate, I'd not shy from asking one of my communicants outright, and often as not they'd talk freely about their lives. Other times, other places required hours spent over wretched coffee in this truck stop or that. Many chose silence and they live here only by their handles.

All Bricked Up. 1752-1761; 1813-1848; 1927- . Burned out screenwriter. Claims credit for a number of low-budget science-fiction scripts from the 50s. Swears he is still active as script consultant. Favorite movie: Lonely Are the Brave. Appears to have been the source of the pejorative neologism, "sciencist."
All Fingers. 1936- . Third cousin twice removed of Whitley Strieber. Puts no store by his distant relative's UFO tales. Thinks Bob Wills hung the moon.
Anonymous.
Backdoor Man. 1951- . Ex-hippie. Graduate of Steven Gaskin's "Farm" in Tennessee. Avid Jim Morrison fan. Though he speaks no German, he has learned the entire text of the Lotte Lenya recording ot the "Three-penny Opera By Rote.
Bar Ditch.
Beach Stone.
Beer Belly
Big Time
Billy Boy.
Black Diamond.
Blondie.
Blue Devil.
Blue Norther
Brass Monkey.
Brown Eyes.
Bullwinkle. 1921- . 5-10, 157 pounds.
Cam Gillette. 1944- . Proudest of the fact that "me and the bomb was born in the same year." Graduate of Oswego (Maine) High School (class of '63 she repeated the second grade). Married to a real estate agent in Bangor, who travels with her during the off season. Favorite writer: Liz Smith.
Candy Bar.
Celia Celia. 1937- . Collects Tops baseball cards and ceramic poodles.
Chrome Bumper.
Cottonpicker.
Crazy Dave.
Dr.Detroit. Used to go by the handle, Moebius Oreo. Claims he's a black man trapped in a white body. Wants to know when medical science will come up with a race-change operation.
Falcon.
Fritz. 1954- . Raised in the Bronx. Wrestled professionally after he returned from Vietnam. Votes straight Republican ticket. Two children. The son is in cardiological residency at Irvine. The daughter is a copy editor at Conde' Nast's Traveler.
Gamekeeper.
Gray Wolf. 1914- . Born in Tuscaloosa, which, he says, is important because it explains why he talks so much. Claims only Southerners know how to talk "proper." Infamous among truckers for his TV adiction. Has a small set built into the dashboard. Nobody can understand how "ol' Wolf" has gone as long as he has without a serious accident. Most memorable experience: on a fast cross-country haul through three time zones, he saw six episodes of Brady Bunch re-runs in one day.
Green Mountain Girl.
Green Mountain Man. Home: Eureka Springs, Arkansas. Six children, ages 4 to 17. Serious sports fan (Seahawks, [Edmonton] Oilers, Braves). Carries in his cab a notebook of Pete Axthelm clips, which he claims is complete.
Gucci Vespa.
Gulf Stream.
Half a Dollar.
Hanging Judge.
Hank Williams III. 1951- . Swears he is the illegitimate son of Hank Williams, and is fond of pulling out a guitar and attempting to prove it by singing a number of his own songs ("Moon over Lake Sam Rayburn," "I Bit My Fingernails to the Quick over You").
Happy Marmoset.
Hard On!. A CB legend because of his penile implant, which he shows to one and all.
Horny Teen. 1940- . Born in Budapest, escaped with ping-pong champion sister, Magdalena, in 1956. Ran tea shop with her in Provincetown till her untimely death in 1973 (she was killed in a head-on on I-10 west of El Paso on her way to find and meet John Holmes, on whom she had developed a serious fixation and to whom she had written a number of very frank letters). Following her death, Horny Teen sold the teashop and set out for L.A., as he shared her interest in John Holmes. He got only as far as the rest stop on I-20 west of Texarkana, where he was accosted and seduced by a Slavophile who took him under his wing and taught him all about trucking. His handle of choice, obviously, refers not to himself but to the type of person with whom he most enjoys conversing.
Howlin Jack.
Hyundai Hunk.
Inch Worm.
Instigator.
Jack Flash.
James.
Ken Russell, Jr. Compulsive cineaste. Thinks Russell's old black-and-white biopic of Delius on BBC marked the highpoint of world television up to now. This strain, combined with a kind of populist Marxism, makes Ken very difficult to talk to.
Log Roller.
Lone Stranger.
Long John.
Long Stranger.
Lorelei. 1964- . Based in Needles, California. Primarily works the west-bound lanes of I-10, but occasionally branches out. For a time used the handle, "Mojave Oasis." Well-known among truckers, as her mauve concrete-block bungalow abuts I-10 and bears the small sign, "Home Cooking."
Magbar Unltd.
Mahalia. 1959- . Lincoln, Nebraska. One of the few black women truckdrivers on the interstates.
Marty.
McLoony Tunes. 1950- . Ex-hippie, and proud of it. Still takes acid–literally–religiously. Redeeming quality: a strong sense of self-irony. Handle is a dope-inspired pun on "Marshall McLuhan."
Mercan Beauty.
Mixmaster.
Mona Lisa.
Monkey Business.
Mongoose. 1963- . Devotee of Aleister Crowley.
Mother McCree. 1911- . The self-styled "Grand Old Lady of American Trucking," and still driving. Born and "reared" in DeKalb, Illonois, outside of which she still has a small farm, now run by various of her nephews. Got into trucking during the Great Depression when her husband ran off to Spain to fight Franco. Admirer of Kissinger, though she thinks Hugh Hefner would make a better president. Unfortunately, the well-known interview with Charles Kuralt in one of his "On the Road" segments added a certain celebrity air to her persona, which now tends to grate.
Mountain Man.
Mr.Camp. Rarely talks on the CB. Preferred method of making his presence known is to broadcast Dione Warwick tapes.
Mr. Snowtree. 1936- . Asked about his curious handle, he explains he is an admirier of the little-known American painter/writer/explorer, Tobias Schneebaum ("snow-tree").
Mrs. O'Leary.
Ms. McCarthy.
Mud Flap. 1927- . Broadcasting from home with his souped-up transmitter, he is the most garrulous of a garrulous breed. When I finally tracked him down and got him to talk, I told him he was an iconoclast. He agreed and revealed that he takes Mencken with his coffee and keeps a copy of Gershon Legman’s Rationale of the Dirty Joke beside his microphone.
New Adam.
North Wind.
Novalis.
Old Silky.
Orange Krishna.
Pat Angeli.
Prairie Dog.
Preacher Man.
Ramrod. 1957- . The basso profundo voice comes out of a 5'-7", 120-pound frame. Sizeable sideline doing black market radar dectectors and souped up CB radios.
Road Runner.
Rodeo Star.
Rubber Duck.
Rusty Nail.
Sidewinder.
Silver Bullet.
Smokestack.
Spark Plug.
Spiral.
Star Truck.
Sugar Britches. 1953- . Nee Ima Jean Merrill. Grew up in the Mississippi delta country. Out of her 40-foot Winnebago, she works rest areas from one end of I-10 to the other. A sucker for a good joke.
Tail Fin. Born San Bernardino. Refused to give date. Between runs, collects and polishes Cadillacs of the era, 1948-1959. Currently has seven in mint condition, and three being restored.
Tasmanian Devil.
.38 Special. 1961- . Raised in Fargo, ND. Has a fulltime job as a telephone repairperson in Natchitoches, LA. Hits the interestates only between Thanksgiving and Christmas, when she needs the extra money.
Tinfoil Seagull.
Tom Cat. 1932- . Newark. Most prized possession: a complete collection of Playboy. Second most prized possession. Patrick J. Buchanan's signature, which he got on a tour of the White House.
Totalled.
Trail Boss. 1942- . Native of Laramie. Volunteered for the Marines in 1963 to get to Vietnam. Re-upped for a second tour of duty there. Wife: Ngo Nguyen.
UFO. 1958- . Graduated third in his class at Killeen (TX) High School. Is proud that he is one of the few people in the world who subscribes to both Science and Flying Saucer Review. Considers UFO writer Jacques Vallee to be one of the outstanding minds of the age.
Unit 639.
Widow's Might. 1935- . Cooperstown. Husband was on board the [nuclear sub]. Six months after disappearance of the sub, she bore triplets. Her father, a retired coal-miner, co-signed for her first truck. She has been driving since. The triplets were partly raised in the cab of her rig and partly by her mother. Her proudest achievement: all three children finished college.
Wild Man. 1897- .
Zig-zag Joy. 1949- . Trucking, for Zig-zag, is only a sideline, providing contact with his large and widespread network of marijuana buyers, which, he is proud to note, includes more than one state trooper. He has never been arrested and has a small MacArt rendering of his formula for success taped to a sun visor: "Good Stuff + Good Price = Good Karma."

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