The Texas Tao
Chapter 1
Interstate 35, near Austin.
Ranch Road 2222 Exit.
Population: 345,890
Elevation: 400
Climate: Semi-arid
Topography: Hill Country
Category: College (University of Texas) and government town with
high-tech pretensions.
Telling Detail: Before the locals changed the name to honor Stephen F.
Austin, "the Father of Texas," the settlement on the Colorado River was known as
Waterloo.
Prominent Amenity: Hippie Hollow, on Lake Travis. One of the few legal
nude bathing areas in the Western hemisphere, and here it is, deep in the heart of Texas.
Best One-word Description: Engagé.
Insight: Sam Houston once stood on Mount Bonnell, west of Austin,
surveyed the surrounding hills and rivers, and announced that he now knew what Eden looked
like. Present-day Austinites share his opinion, and are only too ready to tell others all
about it.
1. Dante had the right idea. Empty eyes on
warm rocks mean trouble.
--Mercan Beauty.fn1
* * *
2. This here Vietnamese goes to the doctor and says,
"Doctor, I want castrate." The doctor says, "Are you sure?" The
Vietnamese says, "I sure. Doctor do it now." So the doctor gives him a local and
snip-snip and the little fella is sterilized. When he gets through, the doctor says,
"Might as well circumcise you while we're at it, don't you think?" "Goddam
mother fuck," the Vietnamese says in this high voice, "that the word I lookin
for!" fn2
--Mud Flap.
* * *
3. Sciencists must provide enormous comic relief for the
gods. How else but with laughter to react to beings who go to such lengths to discover the
stage directions and then celebrate them as universal laws?
--Wild Man
* * *
4. The raw malleability of each new day maddens the
unfeeling.
--Hank IIIfn3
* * *
5. I'm just sittin here and bein bored.
--Inch Worm.
* * *
5a. Y'all know why a man is like a snowstorm? Cause you
never know when he's coming, how many inches you're gonna git, or how long he'll last.
--Sugar Britches
* * *
6. I own, therefore I am.
--Mixmaster.
* * *
6b. Adam and Eve. That which was caused by a revolution
must be cancelled by a revolution. (Eating of the apple.)
--Novalis
* * *
6c. This here ol' boy goes for his draftboard physical, and
when he pulls his pants down, the doctor is astonished when he spies the ol' boy's tiny,
tiny penis, and he calls another doctor over to have a look. The recruit looks hurt and
says, "What's the matter? Y'all never seen a erection before?"
--Mud Flap.
* * *
7. That's James's daddy you're talkin about it. I used to
be his daddy, but I disowned him. Grasshopper adopted him and now he's his daddy.
--Lone Stranger.
* * *
7b. Some deeds scream for all eternity.
--Novalis
* * *
7c. Y'all probably dont know either what's red and has
seven little dents in it. Snow White's cherry.
--Sugar Britches
* * *
7e. Who knows, at the moment when we disappear, what
connection we make? Must all things in the universe have the same mode of creation?
--Novalis
* * *
8. What you fussin' about, boy? You act like you sittin on
a sharp pitchfork. fn4
--Tom Cat
* * *
9.
–If he dont straighten up and fly right, there's gonna be a lot of mashin and
bendin goin on, and he aint gonna have nowhere to go but in front of somebody's vehicle.
He probly used a bad needle.
–I heard that.
* * *
10. Like the best movies, the best dreams have few words.
--Jack Flash.
* * *
11. It don't make a dime to me what them Arabs do.
--Trailboss.
* * *
11b. We are close to waking up when we dream we are
dreaming.
--Novalis
* * *
11c. The Polish Olympic Parachute Jumpin team come to
A&M oncet. The Aggies and the Poles got to arguin about who could fold parachutes
best. They decided the only way to find out was to do some jumps. A plane takes a Aggie
and a Pole way up. This ol' Pole jumps first and he pulls his ripcord, and his parachute
opens real nice. Then the Aggie jumps, and he pulls the ripcord and nothin happens, and he
pulls the back-up ripcord and nothin happens, and purty soon he goes zippin by the Pole,
who takes one look at him, tears off his harness, and shouts, "Oh, so you wanta
race!"
--Mud Flap
* * *
12. The French modernists dwelt on suicide and sauces. The
proper, enduring question is: how to get beyond the wall of unforgiving and live to tell
about it.
--Mona Lisa.
* * *
13. You talkin too fast, honey. What you, one of them
Bohemians?fn5
--Sugar Britches.
* * *
14. The edge of the world over which we appear to disappear
may be sketched thus: Not self, not non-self; not not self, not not non-self. Through the
ages, mapmakers of all temperaments and genes–some called artists, others called
philosophers, some called scientists, other called theologians, some called oriental, some
called occidental–have drawn in colorful legends, all saying: "Here There Be
Monsters and Chaos and Dark Night."
--McLoony Tunes
* * *
14a. The bride says to her husband, "Now that we're
married, honey, I got a question." "What's that dear?" "What's a
penis?" The proud husband takes his out and shows it to her. "Oh," she
says, "it's just like a prick only littler."
--Mud Flap
* * *
15. Beware virtuosos. Beware merry monads. Beware Koechel
numbers equal to the number of this highway. Beware dour monads. Beware equiniminous
monads. Beware Navahos bearing sandy cadeucuses. Beware people who are always telling you
to beware.
--Orange Krishna
* * *
16. Protective coloration is not what it appears to be.
--Jack Flash
* * *
16a. Y'all know why God created men? Because you can't
teach an electric vibrator to mow the lawn.
--Sugar Britches
* * *
17. Contemplating Richard, does Johann Sebastian perhaps
regret his inordinate fornication? fn6
--All Fingers.
* * *
18. The surf, trees, and the desert speak the same
language. There is no moment in life when one does not benefit from listening to the
discourse.
--Prairie Dog.
* * *
18a. This feller's feelin rundown, so he goes to the
doctor, and he tells the doctor about how he has sex with six or more women three times
every day. The doctor assures him that is the cause of his problem. The feller looks
relieved and says, "I'm sure glad to hear that, Doc. I was afraid it might be the
masturbation."
--Mud Flap.
* * *
19. Those kids was all over that birthday cake. I swan,
they looked like maggots on a dead dog.
--Bullwinkle.
* * *
19b. We are cosmometers.
--Novalis
* * *
20. Listen to Handel for a year. Then listen to the
Pathétique Sonata. The naked emotion is shocking. Pre-history was the flight from the
deadly pleasure of orgasm. That flight produced history, which is the flight from
kundalini, the "orgasm" behind, beyond emotion. Art keeps sneaking up on it, and
backing away, sneaking up, backing away–coming a little closer each time. Science
(with technology) was our last, boldest wall. You can tell how afraid we are by the number
of nuclear bombs we created, saying, "We'll kill ourselves before submitting to THAT
much pleasure!"
--Ken Russell, Jr.fn7
* * *
21.
–I think we're in the right lane, cause you'll be turnin to your left on 45.
–Lemme get up here by you.
–You're in the right lane, so I'm gonna move over. I see the arrow.
–We'll give you a hoot next time we're down this way. Much obliged to you.
* * *
21b. The first man was the first medium. For him,
everything was spirit.
--Novalis
* * *
21c. Humanity is one of the planet's senses. The human eye
is the planet's eye raised to look at the heavens. The human nerve is the means of
connecting the planet to the higher world.
--Novalis
* * *
22. All beginnings contain a timeless purity of timeless
vision. Renewal can be found there.
--Mahalia.fn8
* * *
22b. Memory is the sense of individuality, the element of
individuation.
--Novalis
* * *
23. Not "God, our help in ages past," but
"Ages, our help in gods past."
--Gulf Stream.
* * *
23b. Nature is a petrified magic city.
--Novalis
* * *
24. Dont know if you remember Mornin Glory. That was my
mama. She used to talk on the CB before she died. Then we had Night Owl. That was my
Grandma.
--Rubber Duck.
* * *
25. Systematic thought is about as lively–and
fertile–as old men's sperm.
--Monkey Business.
* * *
26. Lessing,fn9 virtually alone, has already spied the next
age and is busy taking readings that few understand.
Ms. McCarthy.
* * *
27.
–Been a pleasure runnin with you.
–I normally just run by myself. I normally don't do too well when I run with somebody
else when you stop all the time, ever ten or twelve miles, and shoot the breeze for a
couple of hours.
–I can't handle that myself.
* * *
28. The Orient = the last eroticism.
--Hyundai Hunk.
* * *
29. Let's refrain from all that cussin. Sounds to me like
she wants it through the back door. Why don't you give her some Wild Turkey instead?
--Dr. Detroit.
* * *
30. You tell me where an idea is and I will tell you where
the universe ends.
--Lorelei.
* * *
31. Gentle men are those who learn the great unrecognized
benefit of the traditional woman's role: nurturing nurtures the nurturer even more than
the nurtured.
--Magbar Unltd.
* * *
32. I dont worry about nothin like yall do. Yall worry bout
payin your bills. All I got to worry bout is poppin my pills, smokin my joint, drinkin my
whiskey, and chasin my women.
--Cottonpicker.
* * *
33. After studying their sauces, their wines, and their
revolution, you need waste no more time on the French.
--Wild Man.
* * *
34.
–Hey, buddy, where you at?
–Over here by the house.
–Didja hear me? Didja hear me? You out there?
–What you hollerin for? I'm gone.
* * *
35. Oriental art used to pretend the body doesn't exist
(the point-of-view is in space). Occidental art still pretends the nose doesn't exist.
--Green Mountain Girl.
* * *
36. Be careful around Beethoven. He's not doing what he
seems to be doing.
--Hank III.
* * *
37. Don't get your tail feathers all ruffled, boy, just
because things ain't addin up the way they's supposed to. Let em lay low and smooth.
--Bar Ditch.
* * *
38. Nixon's mistake was the same as Zarathustra's: both, as
the west generally does, took mountains and valleys entirely too seriously.
--Celia Celia.
* * *
39. You sure got a dirty mouth, hon. You musta been born in
a whorehouse or somethin.
--Tom Cat.
* * *
40. The Buddhist river-metaphor, though seemingly profound,
is inadequate. Rivers, like freeways, are all continuity and no plot.
--Mr. Snowtree.
* * *
41. Ontology recapitulates,fn10 and that's about it.
--Cam's Gillette.
* * *
42. I don't profess to be a fair and square asshole, but I
do try to deal a fair hand ever now and then.
--Lone Stranger.
* * *
43. The Christian seeks to destroy the body, the Buddhist,
the mind. Which is why Christians are so violent and Buddhists so polite.
--Zig-zag Joy.
* * *
44. Ol country boy comes runnin into town one day yellin,
"I seen Jesus, I seen Jesus!" He goes in the bar and tells everbody he's gonna
be a preacher. They's all pokin fun at him and one of them says, "What makes you
think you can be a preacher?" The ol country boy says, "I got the biggest dick
in town and I just love fried chicken."
--Mud Flap.
* * *
45. First you laugh, then you cry. If after that you do
anything other than begin learning to love, well, be prepared for quite a few picaresque
lifetimes.
--Tail Fin.
* * *
46. It's no longer the tiger's symmetryfn11 that is cause for concern.
--Billy Boy.
* * *
47. You make my liver quiver, and I'll make your balls
squall.
--.38 Special.fn12
* * *
48. Remember the parable of the hologram. Each part
contains the whole, but the bigger the part the better the resolution.
--New Adam.
* * *
49. I be here.
--Long John
* * *
50. We eat breakfast awful early. Tell you what, if there's
any leftovers, we'll scrape em out all in one plate and let you have it. Come on over
Sunday morning, long as it's not too early.
--Tail Fin
* * *
51. Y'all know what what's-her-name said in Wise Blood?
"Don't nobody with a good car ever have to justify theirself." Or words to that
effect.
--Hard On
* * *
52. What government will be the first to champion the basic
human right to travel freely about the planet, unhindered by government interference?
--Wild Man
* * *
53.
–What time you leavin tomorrow?
–Crack of dawn. Why?
–Just wonderin.
–They's a bunch of California Toyotas waitin for this load of Recaro seats I got to
pick up at the port.
* * *
54. The flight from the car. Television just loves
interiors–news anchor sets, sit-com sets, sports anchor sets, weathercaster sets.
--Chrome Bumper
* * *
55. Almost all significant American social interaction now
takes place either in cars, or walking to cars, or walking from cars. Which is why
traditional theater has so often missed the American mark.
--Hyundai Hunk
* * *
55b. In the future world everything is as in the previous
world–and yet everything is completely different. The future world is rational
chaos–the chaos which penetrated itself and which is both inside and outside itself:
Chaos2 or infinite. The genuine fairy tale must simultaneously be a prophetic
representation, an idealistic representation, and an absolutely determined representation.
The genuine creator of fairy tales is a seer of the future.
--Novalis
* * *
56. This ol' jock of a boy, fresh off the farm, come back
from his first day at high school in the county seat lookin all dejected. His pa asked him
what was wrong. "Shit, Pa, they's nothin but a bunch a big city faggots."
"Whachu mean, son?" "They's weird, Pa. Would you believe they ever one of
em wears diamonds and pearls and stuff under they uniforms?" "Nope, I wouldn't
believe that, son." "It's true, Pa. I was gettin ready to suit up. I got my
t-shirt on okay, but there was this funny lookin thing with straps and elastic stuff in my
roll I ain't never seen before. I went up to Coach and said, "What's this for,
Coach?" Coach said, "Why, that's to protect your family jewels, son." I of
course had to tell him, "I'm sorry, Coach, We poor. I ain't got none of that kinda
stuff." "Sure you do, boy. Everybody in this here lockerroom's got two big uns
apiece hangin twixt his legs... That's not all, Pa. When that fag coach saw me startin to
leave, he got real upset when I told him, real polite, that I didn't believe him, and he
called the whole fuckin team over and told em to show me their jewels. That's when I took
off runnin."
--Mud Flap
* * *
57. Tarzan, honey, you got your ears on tonight?
--Sugar Britches
* * *
58. Anybody lookin for commercial company?
--.38 Special
* * *
59. Once we cleared Puma, man, I was walkin the dog!
--Trail Boss
* * *
60. White dude's takin a leak. Black dude comes runnin in,
whips it out, and start pissing up a storm. He lets out this big sigh and says, "Just
made it!" White guy takes one look and says, "You think you could run one off
for me?"
--Bar Ditch
* * *
Austin Notes
01On
CB, pronounced "MUR-can BUE-dee." God only knows how he came to
Dante–though that connection is no less surprising than many which follow.
02Obviously
not all communications are on the level with which Mercan Beauty began our survey.
03Hank
III is short for Hank Williams III–not his real name but he claims to be an
unrecognized, illegitimate son of Hank Williams, Sr. See "Handles."
04Rather
than reproduce, in a tiresome pedantic fashion, literal transcriptions, I have chosen to
save only the choice items: the happily turned phrase, the quirky take on the world, the
incisive summing up of existence, etc. The curious reader should not expect to buy a CB
and, venturing out on the nearest Interstate, be inundated with undiluted entertainment of
the kind reproduced here. Perhaps 1% of CB airtime is worth listening to (the rest is
typical, mostly monosyllabic human chatter about traffic, trucks, weather, sports, sex,
drugs, politics), and 1% of that 1% achieves the quality I was looking for. What the
reader has here is the distillation of thousands of hours of discriminating eavesdropping.
05Missing
on the printed page is the CB accent and rhythm, which is startlingly uniform across the
country. More surprising than its uniformity is the fact that it is to a large extent
black American English. Though blacks comprise only a few percent of American truckers,
all drivers, when they "got their ears on," affect black accent and syntax. If
you can't do the voice, you don't talk.
06All
Fingers is referring to the composer of the Goldberg Variations and the author of that
"Seagull" book from a few years back.
07Ken
Russell, Jr., was much influenced by a two-week stay at Esalen in 1973.
08Mahalia
is one of the enigmas of the American road. I never met her, though I spoke with her
often. I discussed her with many other truckers, none of whom had ever met her either.
Though her handle is clearly female, her voice had a peculiar, androgyne quality, so that
the closer one listened the less sure one was about the biological sex of the speaker.
09Doris
Lessing, the novelist (The Four-gated City, Briefing for a Descent into Hell, etc.).
10A
play on the evolutionary dictum, Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny. I several times tried
to pin Fritz down about some of his remarks, but he turned out to be one of those thin,
wiry people who are very poor when it comes to conversational give-and-take.
11The
reference is to William Blake's poem ("What hand, what eye/dare frame thy
symmetry?").
12The
city-bound reader should realize that Interstate rest areas across the countries, in
addition to restrooms, water fountains, and shaded picnic facilities, also offer a wide
variety of sexual and pharmacological amenities.
The Texas Tao
continues...
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