Re: 20th issue celebration

Below is the final, official calendar of events for next week’s celebration of the 20th issue of Magellan’s Log. Note that we have tried to achieve a range of events which reflects the ecletic content of the magazine, covering as many cultural, countercultural, and anticultural bases as possible.

Monday (Galveston Pier, Old Balinese Room): "Third Reich Third Strike." Hedy Belle Grazietti, well-known Borscht Belt transsexual comedienne will appear in her performance art piece which has shocked audiences from Capetown to Couche Behar. The 300-pound Grazietti’s ruminations, thought-provoking though they may be, on the question of Anne Frank’s sexual orientation, are not for the ideologically hidebound, culminating in her infamous tableau fixe of a five-minute-long mooning of the audience.

Tuesday: After we were unable to get Paul Krugman for anything like a reasonable fee to do a proposed lecture on the topic, "Investing Opportunities in 22nd-century Belfast,"* Bobbie Lee Neuens’ agent heard of our plight and called, suggesting Bobbie’s services. Bobbie Lee, as many of you know, achieved fame when CNN spotted him outside the deathhouse in Huntsville, Texas, selling reproduction hypodermic needles signed by guards from the many branches of the Texas prison system. Bobbie Lee will be in the office during coffee break Tuesday afternoon. The magazine is generously underwriting his appearance, so that staffers can purchase any number of signed needles AT COST.

*Publisher’s Aside: Anyone on the staff henceforth caught quoting or in any way referring to Paul Krugman will be required to spend at least 30 minutes reading Slate.

Wednesday: Primus O’Keefe, nonagenarian Irish aviator who actually flew with the Wright brothers on their first trip to Europe, will show slides in the conference room and speak on "My Wild Wright Beaus: Touring with Orville and Wilbur."

Thursday: Wont Longz, notorious a.b.c. (American-born Chinese) dean of word puzzle makers, will be in the office all day, checking our prose for neologisms, of which, readers keep reminding us, we seem inordinately fond. Be sure the OED is hidden—only slighter dictionaries visible on Thursday, please. Female staffers and cross-dressers should not only watch their verbs but are also advised against affecting bustiers on Thursday as Mr. Long is well-known for his mammophilic tendencies. He likes, we are told, to clutch and run.

Friday (Astrodome): Yes, we have rented the now-deserted Astrodome for the climactic event of our weeklong celebration: "Milles Boners." Feeling that the destiny of Magellan’s Log will not be fulfilled until we are in the Guinness Book of Records, Mrs. Sprigg and I did a lot of brainstorming for this one. "Milles Boners" is the result. Because of certain of Mrs. Sprigg’s proclivities which I don’t need to go into here, she got to wondering what was the largest number of human erections ever on display at one time in one place… Friday evening on the floor of the Astrodome we will have 1,000 naked or mostly naked athletes (don’t ask about the logistics) who at 10 p.m. are scheduled to attain the desired state. The press has been notified as have the people at Guinness. A certain large pharmaceutical conglomerate is co-sponsoring the event and will have a supply of anti-e.d. pills available for those who need or wish to so partake. Staffers are strictly prohibited from joining in the fun. This is a voyeurs-only event.

Your beloved publisher-in-creative-anarchy,

B.S.

END

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