Still More Up-lifting Jokes

Q&A
Q: What do lawyers have in common with sperm?
A: Only one in 20 million has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q: What did the lawyer say when he stepped in squishy dog shit?
A: Oh my God! I'm melting!

Q: What has 99 legs and 22 teeth?
A: The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.

Why is semen white and urine yellow?
So you can tell whether you're coming or going.

What's the best thing you can get out of a penis?
The wrinkles.


Après la Corrida
A man travels to Spain and goes to a Madrid restaurant for a late dinner. He orders the house special and he is brought a plate with potatoes, corn, and two large meaty objects. "What's this?" he asks. "Cojones, senor," the waiter replies. "What are cojones?" the man asks. "Cojones," the waiter explains, "are the testicles of the bull who lost at the arena this afternoon."
At first the man is disgusted, but being the adventurous type, he decides to try this local delicacy. To his amazement, it is quite delicious. In fact, it is so good that he decides to come back again the next night and order it again.
This time, the waiter brings out the plate, but the meaty objects are much smaller. "What's this?" he asks the waiter. "Cojones, senor," the waiter replies. "No, no," the man objects. "I had cojones yesterday and they were much bigger than these."
"Senor," the waiter explains, "the bull does not lose every time."


Beyond Auto-fellatio
The Olympic wrestling competition has come down to a Russian versus an American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in agreement.
As the match progressed, the American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.
Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"


Alone on the Range
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of
land in the boon-docks... as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost this isolation, he hears a knock on his
front door one night as he's finishing his dinner. He opens it and there is a big, bearded beer-bellied red neck standing there.
"Name's Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the ridge...having a party Saturday...thought you'd like to come."
"Great" says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn ya, there's going to be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Sam, "after 25 years in the computer business, I can do that with the best of them."
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin', too."
"Damn", Sam thinks, "tough crowd". "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way,
what should I wear?"
Enoch stops in the door again and says "Whatever you want, it's just gonna be the two of us."


Rich Gravy
An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal the young priest could not help noticing how attractive and shapely the elderly priest's housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper, than met the eye.
Reading the young priest's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."
About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I have been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it do you?
The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I will write him a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Father, I am not saying that you DID take the gravy ladle from my house, and I am not saying you DIDN'T take a gravy ladle. BUT the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest, which read:
Dear Father, I am not saying that you DO sleep with your housekeeper, and I am not saying that you DON'T sleep with
your housekeeper. BUT the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."


The Horse Shouter
This cowboy was out in the desert and was captured by a renegade tribe of Indians. The chief of the tribe told the cowboy that in three days he would be killed and that he should prepare himself for death. The cowboy's only response was to ask if he could talk to his horse. The chief didn't see anything wrong with that and told the cowboy that it was ok.
The cowboy went over to his horse and whispered in his ear. A few minutes later the horse galloped off. After an hour passed the horse returned with a beautiful blonde woman on its back. Well the cowboy and the blonde did the nasty all night long.
The next day the chief went to the cowboy and asked if there were anything else he needed, for in two days he would be put to death. The cowboy again asked if he could talk to his horse. Again the cowboy whispered in the horse's ear and again the horse galloped off. This time it returned with a brunette. The cowboy and the brunette spent a rewarding ngiht together.
The next morning, the chief returned and told the cowboy that he had only one day left. The cowboy again asked if he could talk to his horse.
This time the cowboy didn't whisper. He grabbed the horse by the sides of its head, looked it squarely in the eyes, and yelled, "For the third and final time, I said POSSE!!"

Magellan's Log III

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