Ora Shay's Fan Mail*

You too can express admiration (or non-admiration!) for Ora Shay, our Token Republican and, strangely, most popular columnist.

Just Click Here and put "Ora Shay"
in the subject-line of your email.

We'll publish the best letters here.

Here's are the latest from Ora's most-smitten fans:

Ora,
Honey, were you a delegate to the convention this year? Did you get to see any of the shows, go shopping at Tiffany's, eat at Tad's Steaks, go clubbing, get to watch the adorable Bush twins in the flesh, hear Zell Miller's inspiring speech, get groped (in a friendly way. of course) by The Governator, nuzzle up to those hunky Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, wrap yourself in the see-though flag, meet Ruppert Murdoch (what a fox he is!), engage in any extracurricular hanky-panky with delegates from Oklahoma, sass the Godless unwashed hippie demonstraters, run your manicured fingers ever-so-lightly along the long hard shiny black billy clubs of the NYPD, or do any of those other really neat things that delegates to our party conventions somehow always seem to be able to get to do?

I have it on good authority that Colin Powell was nowhere to be seen this week because he didn't have the energy to drag himself out of your steamy and fragrant hotel room.   Is that true, you naughty girl?  Don't ask me where I heard this --  I'm sworn to secrecy, but I can tell you it wasn't from Michael Moore.

Oh, Ora, how I admire a successful and worldly woman such as yourself! Sometimes I have a nagging suspicion that there's more to life than residing in a semi-gated community on the edge of Lufkin, watching Fox News, listening to Rush, and going to church and the Wal-Mart.  Whenever I read your wonderful dispatches from a world more glamorous and affluent than mine, you bring sunshine into my life and help me get through the day's load of wash.

Please do tell us all about your excellent adventure in New York.  Even if we couldn't be there ourselves, it's almost as good to see these things through your exquisitely made-up eyes.

Many thanks,
Mrs. Kimberleigh Gingrich,
East Lufkin, TX.

Dear Mrs. Shay,
I know you must have a full and rich family life apart from your publically displayed persona that we get to partake of periodically in the pages of this pagan publication. How do you do it? How do you balance the benumbing demands of family, school, church, and civic responsibilities with the need, which you obviously have, to incisively analyze and write about for us the great issues of the day?

I just have a hard time getting everybody off to school and work and then getting the house in shape for their return without just throwing up my hands, saying, "Whatever..." and spending the day in front of the TV.

It would be a great service to the long-suffering but invaluable home-makers of America if you could devote one column to explaining how you carry on what I'm sure is a full and rich social, educational, religious, political, and cultural life in Midland,Texas, while at the same time not only retaining your sanity but finding the time and the means to put your thoughts on paper in such a clear-minded, incisive, and articulate manner.
                             With the greatest admiration and envy,
                             At My Wit's End in Sioux Falls.

Dear Letter Editor:
I am Ora Shay's biggest fan in the whole wide world, but I must confess that it caused me some great unease, not to say consternation, to read her latest dispatch #10.  Not that I begrudge her exciting proximity to Nobel Peace Laureate Dr. Kissinger, who is truly one of the Universe's greatest humanitarians and selfless statesmen -- she surely deserves that honor and privilege --  but I just felt very badly about her unfortunate affliction.

Now mind you, I do think it was very brave of her to admit to this condition so openly and willingly, but I do want to tell her that there's no longer any need for her to suffer from the moisture in the panties that she so eloquently describes more than once.   There is a wonderful product available over the counter in all better stores, including the Midland K-Marts and Wal-Marts, that will put an end to all her discomfort.

It's called Depends, and is made by a reputable major U.S. company, and I can enthusiastically vouch for the effectiveness of this wonderful product because my 93-year old great-aunt Nellie-Sue Travis had a pressing need for just this sort of undergarment, and since using it she has been a completely new person.  Do yourself a great big favor, Ora honey, hop into your SUV (but first put a towel on the seat, just to be safe), head down to the mall, and buy a box of this miracle invention, which, by the way, is quite affordable, and never needs laundering because it's disposable.  You'll never go back to your overpriced Nieman-Marcus scanties again, let me tell you.

But don't just take it from me, Ora.  Just the other day, on the Fox News channel, I was most fortunate to witness a commercial in which Dr. Kissinger himself gave a stirring personal testimonial for this excellent product, which he says he uses every day.   When he talked about his amazing newfound continents I was swept along by the sheer geographical majesty of the man's world-view.   All in all, it was the most stirring piece of leadership that I have experienced  since Senator Robert Dole came out and endorsed Viagra with a Pepsi chaser.  And I think it's a crime that this poor man who has done so much for world peace can't go to France any more.

And by the way, Ora, are you related to the distinguished Chilean
statesman Pino Shay?  I know he is a close friend of Dr. Kissinger, and that they have both been unfairly harassed by subpoena servers on their travels to Europe.

                                                                   Sincerely,
                                                                   Tiffany-Jane Braunfels
                                                                   (a very big fan)
                                                                   North Round Rock TX

Ed. Note: Uh, as Ora herself would say, Ms. Braunfels, there's no polite way to put this: the involuntary dampness problem she spoke of in her column referred not to urinary incontinence (as you in all you North Round Rock naivité assume) but to that certain moistness common in mammals who are ready for a close encounter of the sexual kind. Lord knows we can't speak for Ora, but we believe she was offering living verification of Dr. Kissinger's own long-ago observation that power is the greatest aphrodisiac. Perhaps if you got out of North Round Rock occasionally and spent some time in the state capitol just a few miles to your south, you too might have a similar lubricious experience as this or that state official paused to chat you up.

Dear Ora,
I hope it's all right to call you Ora, hon, it's just that I feel like I've known you all my life. Truly, it has been such a reward to find a woman's voice in the media wilderness who knows that it's men who make the world go round, which means, praise the Lord, that the rest of us are just along for the ride, getting to enjoy the view and of course the trinkets these over-grown boys toss our way.

Real women, of which you and--if I may say so--I are one learn in kindergarten how to play this little game and with the practice afforded by nine months of school followed by three months of summer tease-time (if you get my drift) will do O.K. in the long run. As you clearly have. I just hope your beloved Dobson knows what a treasure he has in you, damp pantaloons and all.

                                                                   With utmost admiration,
                                                                   Tina Mae Delfft-Schmidthoeft
                                                                   Durban, South Africa

Ora, My Sweet,
You probly don't remember me but I sat right behind you in 8th grade English class. I still remember how those curly auburn tresses of yours used to flick around whenever you'd get excited and shoot up your hand because you knew the answer to Mrs. Purvis's question. Just wanted to let you know there's a whole bunch of us good ol' Midland boys over here making the steppes of central Asia safe for ExxonMobil and looking forward to every one of your heart-warming columns that make us wish we were back there in God's country with you.

                                                                   Hammerly ("Ham") Snead
                                                                   Somewhere in Uzbekistan

END

Ora's Columns:
*Shay No.1: Thanks a Lot, Dubya!
Shay No. 2: Just Say No to Tasteless Dubya Jokes
Shay No. 3: Attaboy, 43!
Shay No. 4: Midland's Own Boy George
Shay No 5: Noblesse Oblige in the Permian Basin
Shay No. 6: Oil Patch Sage
Shay No. 7: Soft Talk
Shay No. 8: Ta-ta, La-la Land!
Shay No. 9: An Open Letter to Saddam Hussein
Shay No. 10: S.A.A.F.J.: A Tale of Henry Kissinger and My Favorite Fly Swatter
Shay No. 11: Poisoning the Well, Oh My!
Shay No. 12: Pagans Attack Our President
Shay No. 13: Ora Shay's Sure-fire Headache Remedy
Shay No. 14: Why Dubya Can't Lose.
Shay No. 15: Springtime in America!
Shay No. 16: Silver Linings
Shay No. 17: Family Matters
Shay No. 18: Ora Does New York
Shay No. 19: Breathless in Midland
Shay No. 20: Big George

Go to One of Ora Shay's Columns

Magellan's Log front page

Send this page to a friend.

We love to get mail
from our readers!