More Up-lifting Jokes

Let's Hope It Was 00
Pinochio was receiving complaints from his girlfriend about consummating their passions. "Every time we make love", she said, "I get splinters!" So he went back to his maker, Geppeto, the carpenter, to ask for help.
"Sandpaper, my boy, that's what you need!" was the Geppeto's response.
A couple of weeks later the Geppeto asked Pinochio, "How are you getting on with the girls now?"
"Women!" said Pinochio, "Who needs women?"


And It's Only October
A young boy comes home from school and his mother says "What did you do today?"
To which the boy says "Oh the usual, I had a math test, I got an A in spelling and I had sex with my English teacher."
The mother, aghast, doesn't know what to say. She steams and stammers and finally she angrily says "Go in and tell your father what you just told me!"
The boy goes into see his father and says "Gee, Mom sure is mad."
The father says "Why?"
"I just told her what I did in school today. I had a math test, I got an A in spelling and I had sex with my English teacher."
Well the father is beside himself with joy. He gives his son a nudge and a wink and says "Congratulations - you passed a milestone. I'll tell you what, let's go out and celebrate. We'll have some ice cream and then I'll buy you a new bike."
The boy says - "The ice cream sounds great, but can we hold off on the bike a few days - my ass is killing me."


Waltzing Koala
A prostitute is walking through the park and sees a koala bear sitting on a bench, she sits beside the bear and before long, they are doing all kinds of things right there on the bench!
When they finish, the bear begins to walk away and the prostitute says, "Hey, where are you going?"
The bear just looks at her.
She walks over to the bear and says "I'm serious buddy, for all we just did there, you owe me $50."
The bear just looks at her.
She says "Look pal, I'm a prostitute and you owe me $50."
The bear gets a dumb look on his face. She reaches into her purse and pulls out a dictionary, opens it to prostitutes and reads to the bear "... Prostitute, one who charges for sex, and I'm charging you $50."
The bear grabs the dictionary and opens it to kohala bear and reads "Koala bear... one who eats bushes and leaves."


German Politesse
Three dogs were in a cage at the city pound: A Pit Bull, a German Shepherd and a Great Dane. The Pit Bull told the others "I was eating my dinner and my owner's two year old niece tried to grab my food, so I ripped out her throat. Now they are going to put me to sleep."
The German Shepherd said "I chewed up my master's shoes yesterday and now they are going to put me to sleep."
The Great Dane said "My master is a beautiful twenty two year old woman. The other day she came out of the shower and bent over in front of me, so I mounted her and did my thing."
"So are you in here to be put to sleep too?" asked the others.
"No, I'm here to have my nails clipped!"


All in the Family
A widower lives with his daughter, a graduate student, in a small university town in the mid west. The man comes home from work at the same time every day. One day, upon entering the house, he hears an awful racket coming from behind his daughter's bedroom door. He barges through the door only to see his daughter on her bed intimately involved with a large, studded vibrator.
Before he can say a word, the daughter exclaims: "Look dad, I'm 33 years old, in graduate school, and all the good guys are married already. For all I know this is the best I'll ever have, so just leave me alone!" The father leaves her room, scratching his head, closing the door behind him.
A week or so later, the daughter comes home from school, enters the living room to find her dad sitting on the couch with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other. She says, "Dad, what the hell are you doing???!!"
The man says, "Oh, just sitting here, having a beer with my son-in-law."

Another Ethnic Slur Myth Bites the Dust
The president of Chase Bank, after being humiliated by an old woman (another day, another joke), decides he should take a vacation/business trip. Since the president has heard about how much fun Taipei is, he decides to visit the offices there. He books two tickets, one for him and one for his secretary.
After his arrival in Taipei, the president receives an urgent message from headquarters that the richest man in Taiwan wants to put all his money into a Chase Manhattan account. Since the account would be quite substantial, the president decides to meet personally with the man.
The next day, the president and his secretary go to meet the Taiwanese business at a really expensive restaurant. Throughout the dinner, the president tries to bring up the subject of opening the accounts for the Taiwanese businessman. However, the prospective client only seems to be interested in the president's secretary. After the dinner, the businessman asks the secretary to spend the rest of the evening seeing the sights in Taipei with him. Not wishing to offend the prospective client, the president orders his secretary to spend some time with the man. He tells her that she must be diplomatic and under no circumstances is she to insult the man by rejecting him outright.
After going to a dance club for a few hours, the businessman takes the secretary aside. As he holds her hand and looks her straight in the eyes, he tells her that he loves her. Then, he gets on his knees and asks her to marry him.
Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her. Don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.
So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara.
The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says "No problem!! I buy. I buy."
Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man "I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France."
The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says "Okay, okay. I build, I build."
Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like to have sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman "I cut. I cut."


Moving into Really Offensive Territory. . .
On Fred's 86th birthday one of his female neighbors, from down the hall in the old folks home, came into his room and unzipped his pants. She the proceeded to strip him of his pants and skiveys. She sat down on the bed with him and grasped his withered shlong and held him for an hour. She did this routine of undressing him and holding his dick for an hour, every morning of his birthday. On Fred's 93 birthday she proceeded to disrobe him when he told her to stop.
"What do you mean you don't want me to do it any more", she said baffled by his actions.
"I just don't want you to hold me anymore", replied Fred.
"Why, is there someone else"?
"Actualy there is," Fred shamefully admitted.
"Well what does she have that I don't have"?
"Parkinson’s", replied Fred.


Beyond Rubbing Noses
An Eskimo woman drives her snowmobile into town to get it fixed. She goes to the mechanic and tells him the problem and the mechanic tells her that it will take him a while to fix it. He tells her to go across the street to a nice restaurant where they are having a special on fish and to come back when she is done.
She comes back two hours later and asks the mechanic for her snowmobile.
The mechanic gives it to her and says, "You blew a seal."
She looks at him and wipes her mouth and says, "No, that's just tartar sauce."

Still More Up-lifting Jokes

Magellan's Log III

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