Magellan's Log: Smitings: A Divine Checklist

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Smitings
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A Divine Checklist

by Jerden Purmort

Though it’s hard at times to get your mind around even the existence of an Omniscient, Omnipotent Something, much less how that O.O.S. might while away the endless moments of eternity over which he ~~she~~ it reigns, we mortals, being subject to the equally endless whims of said O.O.S, keep trying to figure out just what is going on Up There.

A friend of the sort given to aroma therapy, high colonics, and Hummer 3’s, has recently been taking channeling lessons from a heretic survivor of the old Krishnamurti community in Ojai, California. To her pleased astonishment, as she was doing her first homework assignment ("Unify yourself with All That Is and then listen very carefully to the Whispers of Infinity that waft your way"), she channeled the following document and proudly passed it on to Magellan’s Log so that we might distribute it to a waiting world.

During the communication, it was given to her to understand that the information was coming from ~~a person~~ an entity highly placed in what seems to be a sort of enormous "secretariat" whose primary function is the implementation of the above-mentioned "whims" of the above-mentioned O.O.S.

From this we can draw two perhaps important conclusions:
1. The O.O.S, like all good managers, delegates. (For whatever that’s worth.)
2. The actions of the O.O.S, all appearances here on Earth to the contrary notwithstanding, are not entirely whimsical. We may see through a glass darkly, but if the following document is what it purports to be, we can sleep just a tiny bit easier knowing that next disaster visited upon us does in fact have at least a smidgen of rationality behind it. Maybe.

Barring further ethereal communications from other members of the secretariat it’s way too early to begin speaking of fairness, much less justice, no matter what the occupant of your nearest pulpit may say weekly. For now, all we have is this:

SMITINGS
Office of Divine Retribution

Part I. Pre-Smiting Evaluation

Instructions:
The following evaluation must be completed before the smiting of any group of humans (referred to below as "the smitees") in numbers larger than 1,000.
All blanks must be filled.
Evaluation and use of result will be found in Part II.

__________ 1. For every 10,000 married homosexuals/lesbians in the nation-state of the proposed smitees, enter +1,000,000. (Example: If there are 80,000 married homosexuals, enter +8,000,000; if there are none, enter 0).

__________ 2. Enter –1,000,000 for every preacher, pastor, rabbi, guru, mullah, or other religious spokesperson in the nation-state of the proposed smitees who receives an income more than 3 times that of the average poverty level in said nation-state.

__________ 3. Calculate the average number of hours daily devoted to selling stuff on television in the nation-state of the proposed smitees. Calculate the average number of hours of television daily devoted to the music of Bach, Handel, or Mozart (choose one) in the same nation-state. Subtract and invert the sign. (Example: 10,000 hours of selling – 0.1 hours of Bach = 9,999.9. Round off, change the sign, and enter "-10,000" in the blank.)

__________ 4. Locate the largest city in the nation-state of the proposed smitees. Calculate the number of trees in said city. Calculate the number of trees that would occupy the space now occupied by said city if it weren’t there. Subtract, invert the sign, and enter the result.

__________ 5. Calculate the number of young adult males in the primary religion of the nation-state of the proposed smitees who have been taught that suicide in the destruction of non-believers is a good thing. Multiply that number times 1,000,000 and enter it as a negative number.

__________ 6. Calculate the number of people in the nation-state of the proposed smitees who weekly listen happily to religious leaders who proclaim that persons who believe differently (or not at all) are sinners. Multiply that figure by 1,000,000 and enter it as a negative number.

__________ 7. Calculate the number of persons in the nation-state of the proposed smitees who find consolation and support for their beliefs from Fox News. Multiply by 1,000,000 and enter that figure as a negative number.

__________ 8. Calculate the number of animals and fish in the nation-state of the proposed smitees that are killed annually for sport (not for food). Multiply that figure times 1,000,000 and enter as a negative number.

__________ 9. Calculate the number of males and females in the nation-state of the proposed smitees who before adulthood have their genitals mutilated by elders. Multiply that figure times 1,000,000 and enter as a negative number.

__________ 10. Calculate the number of times daily in the nation-state of the proposed smitees that passersby give money to homeless persons on the street. Multiply that figure times 1,000,000 and enter as a positive number.

Add the figures entered above and write the total, known as the Interim Karmic Balance (I.K.B.) here:

I.K.B. = ______________

Part II. Determination of Appropriate Smitings

If the I.K.B. is a positive number, no action need be taken. The O.O.S is content to let Nature takes its divinely random course of geological, meteorological, astronomical, and .epidemiological disasters.

If the I.K.B. is a negative number, use the following table to determine the appropriate smiting:

I.K.B. Number	Mandatory Smiting
0 – 1,000,000	Extra-Small Smiting: 1 earthquake, 8.0 on the Richter Scale.
1,000,001 – 47,361,284	Small Smiting: 1 earthquake, 8.0 on the Richter Scale + 1 15-meter tsunami.
47,361,285 – 121,306,772	Medium Smiting: 1 plague of locusts followed by 7 years of global drought + bankruptcy of the Wall Street Journal, the Game Show Network and all companies that have had commercials that interrupted the telecasts of the Masters, the British Open, the U.S. Open, or the PGA Championship.
121,306,773 – 574,443,191	Large Smiting: All garments are rendered more or less invisible, the degree of transparency being determined by constant real-time updates of either the hypocrisy or expediency (or both) of the wearer.
574,443,192 – 3,220,116,308	Extra-Large Smiting: All persons who have ever struck a child henceforth endure incessant pain, the level determined by the number and strength of the blows struck.
More than 3,220,116,308	Extra-Extra-Large Smiting: All persons who combine the following attributes -- 1. A tendency to smirk; 2. The habit of walking with a strut; 3. Speaking in a false Texas accent and with mangled English grammar; 4. Hiding their cowardice behind the bravery of others; and 5. When in doubt, choosing to favor the rich and powerful over the poor and weak -- henceforth hear incessant angelic voices who recite over and over the complete works of William Shakespeare in the poshest of accents.

Note to Over-worked Staff:
When in doubt, flip a coin. The O.O.S understands that, given the nature of ~~his~~ its universe and the many smitings that have to be arranged, situations do arise when we just don’t have time to work out all the above calculations. More often than not, a quick, wholly random smiting, of whatever magnitude, will do the trick quite nicely.

END

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