IYOOB
A New Dating System
for the Good Ol’ U.S. of Empire

Among the many perks enjoyed by empires, one of the most gratifying is the power to re-date the world to match imperial reality.

The Greeks did it, the Chinese did it, the Romans did it, the Christians did it. (You may be sure that if Alexander had lived just a few more years, he would’ve done it. Anybody who waltzes across half the world founding cities with his own name is not going to shy away from an eponymous calendar.) One can only assume that the Brits didn’t do it because of their fixation on keeping up appearances, don’t you know.

Now it’s our turn.

We here at Magellan’s Log in Houston at the "yin" of the American Empire’s Texas "yang" are baffled that no one before us has realized that it’s time to re-date the modern world.

Out with the old, RCC-centered Gregorian calendar, in with the NEW, AE-centered calendar.

When Did the ENLIGHTENED World Begin?
The first—and clearly the most important—task facing any imperial chronographer is obvious: When did it all begin? What date divides the world clearly into two parts: the benighted "Before" and the enlightened "After."

A mere internet magazine in the wilds of Texas cyberspace obviously has no official standing, but in all modesty we suggest that this critical date is so obvious as to not even warrant discussion:

July 6, 1946.

Ah! you say, wracking your historical memory. July 6, 1946… Was that when WW2 ended? No, no, that was sometime in 1945.

Ah! Was it when the United Nations was founded? Silly you, if you think the UN has any importance whatever in the New Reality of the American Empire. Clearly you haven’t been paying attention.

You are going to blush, my fellow imperial subjects, and no doubt hope that no one reports you to the Department of Homeland Security for your near-treasonous ignorance.

July 6, 1946?

OK. One more clue. It’s somebody’s birthday…

We would certainly NEVER question the patriotism of ANY reader of this publication so we assume that everyone immediately strikes their forehead and remonstrates themselves internally for their lack of quickwittedness.

It’s the birthday of Dear Leader, of course!

Thus, we fortunate beneficiaries of imperial benevolence are, my friends, actually living IYOOB 59. In the Year of Our Bush 59.

Henceforth (see below) everything, and we mean EVERYTHING, is dated from the zero-moment of human history and civilized achievement, July 6, 1946.

Got it now?

Good. Then we can go on with other practical details.

Usage of the New Calendar
Naturally in formal documents and governments speeches by persons of cabinet-rank or higher, all future date-references will be made in the just-mentioned format: IYOOB (which for ease of speaking may be pronounced EYE-yoob).

Example 1:
IYOOB 54: Dear Leader, after some years of floundering about on the fringes of Yale, the National Guard, the oil bidness, MLB, and Texas state government, achieved his destiny, thanks to an enlightened Supreme Court, and was elevated to the position for which, by familial and possibly divine right, he was intended.

Example 2:
IYOOB 55 Dear Leader led the famous "Coalition of the Willing" in the liberation of Iraq, that well-known hotbed of weapons of mass destruction and Al Qaeda members.

And so forth.

In less formal contexts, a shortened usage is acceptable. Instead of "IYOOB" the casual user may write "AB" [After Bush].

Example 1:
In 45 AB Dear Leader’s daddy whopped ol’ Saddam pretty good (but not quite enough to Dear Leader’s liking) in getting him out of Kuwait.

Example 2:
In 55 AB Dear Leader’s chief legal advisor (now attorney general) gave approval for the use of torture in the interrogation of enemy combatants in the undending War on Terror.

Naturally events did occur in the world before July 6, 1946. Given the present imperial hegemony, such events are now of much less interest and importance than they used to be. If reference must be made to events in those long dark ages that preceded the present enlightenment, the following usage will serve, "BB", meaning of course "Before Bush".

Example1:
In 100 BB Texan heroes died at the Alamo so that in due time Dear Leader as a boy growing up in Midland would have an environment suitable for the nurturing of his governing genius.

Example 2:
As all right-thinking Baptists know, at 9 a.m. on the morning of October 3, 5960 BB, God created the world.

Citizens of the earth are hereby put on notice that we are only FORTY YEARS away from the SIX-THOUSANDTH ANNIVERSARY of the world and should begin making celebratory preparations SOON.

Implentation of the New Calendar
The government of the imperial homeland will officially shift to the New Calendar on July 6 OYOOB 60, in honor of Dear Leader’s completion of his sixth decade. Under threat of both civil and criminal penalties ALL governmental, judicial, corporate, and financial entities shall begin using the New Calendar EXCLUSIVELY as of that date.