As is well-known throughout Christian churches
of a certain persuasion, and indeed as is preached daily in the White House itself, we are
now in the End Times. Which means the Rapture is on its way.To help you
determine how ready you are for this epochal change, we have prepared a small quiz
relating to things rapturous.
The quiz consists of 5 (five) parts. And yes, it’s that easy to determine where,
and how, you are soon going to be spending eternity.
If you do well, you have every right to continue feeling as smug, pious, and superior
as you no doubt already feel.
If you do poorly, it’s not too late: Just get thee to thy nearest Baptist church.
Part I: Who Goes and Who Stays
Here are two lists of prominent persons. Your job is to decide
who, come the Rapture, ascends to you-know-where and who, well, stays behind to suffer all
manner of devious, divinely inflicted torments.
Eminem.
Howard Dean.
Jane Fonda.
Hillary Clinton.
Bill Clinton.
Bill Moyers.
Jon Stewart.
Jacques Chirac.
Kofi Annan.
Saddam Hussein.
Osama bin-Laden. |
George W. Bush.
Alberto Gonzales.
Donald Rumsfeld.
Karl Rove.
George Bush the Elder.
Barbara Bush.
Laura Bush.
Tom DeLay.
Dennis Hastert.
What’s-his-name Frist.
Jospeh Ratzinger. |
ANSWER:
Silly you. If you had ANY doubts, then you may be sure
you’re slated for the extremely unhappy, maltreated LEFT-behind group in the
LEFT-hand column, dunce!
Part II: Post-rapture Pecking Order
OK. We all know Who sits at God’s right hand (hint: His
initials are J.C.). Apparently no one sits at His Left Hand. Yet. Of course, come the
Rapture EVERYTHING changes. Who, in your opinion, among the following names is most likely
to wind up at God’s Left Hand?
Mother Teresa.
Hildegard von Bingen.
Britney Spears.
Connie Chung.
Condoleezza Rice.
Lynne Cheney.
Jenna and Barbara Bush.
Mary Shelley.
Caesar’s wife.
Salome. |
ANSWER:
None of the above. Post-rapture, the very concept of "left" will
disappear along with all the disreputable political types of that description who’ve
caused so much trouble on Earth. Naturally there will be NO leftists in Heaven. Everybody
will avoid even mentioning the embarrassing fact that God even has a left hand.
Part III: Post-Rapture Sex
So you will have made it to Heaven, you say, but what about
sex??? Fair question. Which form of sexual expression do you think will exist heaven-wise?
Polymorphous Perversity.
The Missionary Position.
Eternal, Automatic Orgasm.
Auto-fellatio/Auto-cunnilingus.
Astrophilia.
Parthenogenesis.
Fricative Intracurality. |
ANSWER:
All of the above, and lots more. It’s HEAVEN, stupid.
Part IV: Post-Rapture Communication
There we’ll all be, we Chosen Ones. How are we going to
communicate?
Sign Language.
English.
Aramaic.
Hebrew.
Latin. |
ANSWER:
English, of course, and if you don’t understand why, then you’re truly doomed to
be left behind, moron!
Part V: Post-Rapture Epidermal Configuration
After all the trouble caused on pre-Rapture Earth by
skin-color, what will be the preferred, nay, the ONLY heavenly shade of epidermises?
White.
White.
White.
White.
White. |
ANSWER:
You dolt. You’re SURPRISED? What was the first thing God EVER said? "Let there
be LIGHT!" And what color is real, pure divine light??? And why do you think the
persons who brought free-market capitalism and humane capital punishment to perfection and
spread it over the world bore epidermises nearest to the color of pure divine light?
