Famine, sickness, war, pestilence, death, decay.

Gosh. Welcome to the millennium.

Highfalutin philosophers call it "eschatology." Some of our Christian brethren and sistern prefer to speak of "end times."

Better safe than sorry, we always say, so here’s a little multiple-choice quiz to see if you REALLY understand what’s going on in and around millennial America these possibly Final Days.

Naturally we have formulated our quiz in line with the latest pedagogical trends. Educationists have realized that the old-fashioned multiple-choice format with FOUR possible answers to each question was simply too demanding, adding unnecessary stress to the already-stressful testing environment.

Thus you, the relatively unstressed test-taker, have only TWO choices for each question.

Additionally we have further reduced the stress level by imposing NO time limit. Take as long as you like.

You will find scoring and interpretation of your results at the bottom of the page.

Ready? Begin:

1. Tsunamis wrought great devastation in December 2004 in India, Indonesia, Sri Lanka and other nations around the Indian Ocean. Why?
    a. Because of a shift in the tectonic plates.
    b. Because very few of the people in those areas have accepted
        Jesus as their Lord and Savior.

2. Many Americans did not vote for George W. Bush in 2004. Why?
    a. Because they insisted on thinking rationally.
    b. Because many Americans still do not have a well-read copy of
        Adam Smith’s The Wealth of Nations in their house and do not
        understand that greed is good.

3. Both France and Germany refused to join America in the liberation of Iraq. Why?
    a. Because they, of all nations, best know the true price of war.
    b. Because as everyone knows neither the French nor the Germans
        have any respect for their betters.

4. Many Americans believe that homosexuals both want to and can "convert" children to their "way of life." Why?
    a. Because they are sexually extremely insecure.
    b. Because their pastors tell them so.

5. America has two million people in prison. Why?
    a. Because millennial America is a hobbesian society, bloody in
        tooth and claw.
    b. Because the sinful must be punished.

6. Two percent of Americans control 60 percent of the wealth of America. Why?
    a. Because the supreme law of millennial America is survival of the
        fittest.
    b. Because God rewards those who work the hardest.

7. Ten to fifteen minutes of each hour on most American TV channels consist of commercials. Why?
    a. In a spiritually vacuous society, the highest good is the acquisition
        of stuff.
    b. Because as the president often reminds us, a shopping American
        is a patriotic American.

8. The American military budget is more than the military budgets of all other countries combined. Why?
    a. Because Americans believe that if you pursue a policy of
        non-violence all you wind up with is a lot of streets named after you.
    b. Because might makes right.

9. George W. Bush has on more than one occasion stated that God speaks directly to him. Why?
    a. Because he’s not very smart.
    b. Because God is on America’s side.

10 Many Americans, both lay persons and leaders, believe the biblical Last Days are at hand. Why?
    a. Because they refuse to think analytically.
    b. Just because.

SCORING & INTERPRETATION
OF RESULTS

Answer "b" is the correct answer for all ten questions.

9-10 Correct Answers:
Congratulations. You are definitely a with-it, hip, up-to-date American (or possibly a very attentive non-Homeland inhabitant of the American Empire). All those mornings in Sunday School and nights at Wednesday prayer meeting have really paid off for you.

7-8 Correct Answers:
Sorry, there’s no polite way to put this but your imperial patriotism is as shaky as your grasp of The American Religion. You may be sure that you are on the Department of Homeland Security’s "watch" list. Both the books you check out from your local library and the movies you rent from Blockbuster are being recorded in Washington.

5-6 Correct Answers:
Your score may not reveal precisely where you live but it certainly reveals where you DON’T live, i.e., in the great red American heartland. Precarious though your position is, it is not hopeless. Wherever you are, you may be sure there’s a big-box church within 10 miles whose members will welcome a prodigal such as yourself with raised, shaking arms and many loud hosannas.