Shhhh
Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

Size Matters
Top line above urinal in I-10 rest area between Baton Rouge and New Orleans:
    I'm 9" long and 3" wide. Interested?
Second line:
    Fascinated!! How big is your dick?

A Penny Saved
And then there’s the discount proctologist. He does a half-assed job.

Canine Wisdom
Why dogs are better than men:
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public. Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong. Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with. Dogs don't criticize your friends. Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence. You can train a dog. Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies. You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams. Gorgeous dogs don't know they are gorgeous. The worst social disease you can get from your dog is fleas. Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner. Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving. Dogs admit it when they are lost. Dogs look at your eyes. Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs. Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do. Dogs are nice to your relatives.

More Canine Wisdom
Three Labrador retrievers are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office. A black lab, a brown lab and a yellow lab.
The black lab turns to the brown lab and says, "Why are you here?"
The brown lab says, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything. I pissed on my owners sofa, their carpets, their drapes, but the last straw was when I pissed in the middle of their bed."
The black lab says, "What is the vet going to do to you?"
And the brown lab says, sadly, "Lethal injection."
Then the brown lab asks the black, "Why are you here?"
The black lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, I dig up the flowers, the bushes. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets but the last straw was when I dug a big hole in my owner's sofa."
The brown lab says, "What's the vet going to do to you?"
And the black lab says sadly, "Lethal injection."
Then the black and brown labs turn to the yellow lab and ask, "Why are you here?"
The yellow lab says, "I'm a humper. I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, the dining room table, a fire hydrant. Whatever I see, I want to hump. Why, last week, my owner had taken a shower and was drying her toes and I couldn't help it, I just hopped on her back and humped her."
The black lab says, "So you're here for a lethal injection, too?"
"No, I'm getting my nails clipped."

Canuck Wisdom
The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice.
Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian:
"In Canada we have so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice.

Female Wisdom
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven?
A: Because if they all went, it would be hell.

Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.