After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and, sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.

"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

Management Tip
Q: Why shouldn't you let a blonde go out of the office for lunch?
A: They take too long to re-train.

Eternal Verity
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Duffer Danger
A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the left and the other drive goes to the right. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball.

She hits a beautiful second shot but in the process she hacks the heck out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks the path to the golfer's bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The mystery woman then disappeared as quickly as she appeared.

Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband, "Honey, where are you?"

"I'm over here in the pussy willows," he hollers. The wife screams back, "Don't hit the ball!!!! Don't hit the ball!!!!"

Little Johnny, One More Time
One day Johnny went to his father and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.

Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have an $ 80,000 mortgage on the house and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Xmas"

Xmas came around and Johnny asked again.

The father said, "Well the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time."

Well, about two days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase.

The father felt sorry for him and asked him why he was leaving. The boy said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 Mortgage!"

Facts of Extra-terrestrial Life
Two aliens land in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station.

They approach one of the gas pumps and one of the aliens address it: "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pumps of course doesn't respond. The alien repeat the greeting. Again there is no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, draws his ray gun and says impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouts to his comrade, "No, no! You don't want to make him mad!"

But before he finishes his warning the first alien fires. There is a huge explosion that blows both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they land in a heap. When they finally regain consciousness, the one who fired turns to the other one and says, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answers, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."