Restarting the Millennium
A Petition to Save the Planet Earth

by the Editors of Magellan's Log

To: Hon. Kofi Annan, Secretary General
United Nations
NY, NY

Dear Mr. Annan,

We the undersigned citizen(s) of planet Earth hereby respectfully request that the following petition be put to a vote of the United Nations General Assembly as soon as possible. The petition is self-explanatory, and of course the need for immediate action is obvious to anyone who’s been awake since Jan. 1, 2000:

Petition to Re-start the Third Millennium

1. Know ye by these presents and be it hereby globally validated: On January 1, 2004 (as measured by the present universally accepted calendar), the valid YEAR of said calendar will henceforth be the printed year MINUS FOUR. In other words, January 1, 2004, will henceforth everywhere be known as JANUARY 1, 2000.

2. The citizens of Earth Hereby declare THE FIRST FOUR YEARS OF THE THIRD MILLENNIUM AS WE HAVE LIVED THEM NULL AND VOID and henceforth non-existent and never to be spoken of or reproduced in any written or electronic form.

3. As of the NEW January 1, 2000, all national boundaries will return to their status as of that original date. All rulers—kings, presidents, prime ministers, what have you—in power on OLD January 1, 2000, will be restored to power, with all subsequent elections, acts of war and terrorism, and overthrows of governments declared null and void.

4. Work shall begin immediately to rebuild the World Trade Center exactly as it was on that date.

5. One permanent change will be allowed, enforced, and financed by the community of nations: George W. Bush, along with his heirs and assignees, Saddam Hussein and his surviving heirs and assignees, Osama Bin Laden and his heirs and assignees, plus Dick Cheney and family, Condoleezza Rice and family, Donald Rumsfeld and family, Paul Wolfowitz and family, James A. Baker and family, and Tony Blair and family will as of the NEW January 1, 2000, be henceforth banished to, and confined within, the borders of the State of Texas, where, thanks to generous contributions by members of the United Nations, they will be allowed to live out their lives in a manner and style to which they are accustomed—quail-hunting to their hearts’ content, wheeling and dealing into the wee hours (BUT ONLY AMONG THEMSELVES AND WITHIN THE BORDERS OF TEXAS), consuming vast quantities of Jack Daniels at their Texas country clubs of choice while plotting the overthrow of both legitimate and illegitimate governments and arranging illicit profit-making from the petroleum and arms industries. The only action REQUIRED of these individuals will be the DAILY laying of flowers at, and contemplation of, a monument in memory of those who died as a result of their behavior in the now-erased four years, said monument to be constructed on the outskirts of the village of Crawford, Texas, at the entrance to the so-called "ranch" of George W. Bush.

6. The borders of said State of Texas shall henceforth be patrolled around the clock by a multilateral, properly armed force drawn from the members of the United Nations, whose sole function shall be to see that the persons enumerated above for the remainder of their natural lives never set foot outside of said State of Texas.

7. Rid of these grabbers after greed and power and mightily fearful of what will come of us if we DON’T erase these four years, we the undersigned are confident that, given a second chance, the citizens of Earth can make a far better go of the new millennium.

                      SIGNED: _______________________________
                      ADDRESS: ______________________________
                      EMAIL: _________________________________

FORWARD THE PETITION TO A FRIEND!

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