It’s easy to imagine any number of scenarios in which the present
administration manages to stay in power for (at least) another four years.
Ye of little faith need only remember the Florida shenanigans of 2001. Face reality: these
guys (and gals) are going to do whatever it takes to not move out of the White
House.
Where does that leave the rest of us? We don't know about you, but it leaves the little
crew at Magellan’s Log shivering in their cyber-booties.
What to do, what to do?
The best we’ve come up with so far is a checklist of actions you can take
NOW to get ready for a you-ain’t-seen-nuthin-yet second term of Bushy
governance.
We suggest you print the list and keep it with you at all times so that you can check
off each item as you prepare for the worst.
The Official
Magellan’s Log
2005-2009 Survival Checklist
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1. REPLACE all non-SUV or non-pickup vehicles in
your possession with SUVs or pickups. If you cannot afford to do this, apply a bumper
sticker to all of your non-SUV, non-pickup vehicles which reads: "My Other Car Is a
Lincoln Navigator." |
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2. REMOVE all organically grown foodstuffs from
your pantry. Restock with items all of whose content-labels contain at least five
chemicals whose names you cannot pronounce. |
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3. DELETE all pornographic pictures from your
computer except above-the-waist shots of females with extremely large breasts. If you are
lesbian, delete those as well. |
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4. DISCARD all booze in your home that was not
distilled and bottled in the United States. This does not apply to tequila and the various
brands of cerveza since, as everybody knows, Mexico, as the primary source of cheap labor,
is the de facto 51st state. |
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5. SCATTER copies of the collected writings of Ann
Coulter, William Rehnquist, and Paul Wolfowitz around the house to convince any 2 A.M.
visitors from the Department of Homeland Security that you are a patriotic American. |
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6. EXPUNGE all religious books from your library.
Retain only one copy—preferably well-worn—of the King James version of the
Bible. |
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7. IMPLANT a lighted cross (minimum height: 6
feet) on your lawn bearing the large red-white-and-blue inscription: "WWDD"
(What Would Dubya Do). Where exactly to place the cross? Why, next to the pole and
American flag that you put up on September 12, 2001, of course. |
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8. CANCEL your subscription to the New York Times.
If you actually subscribe to any of the following: The Nation, Mother Jones, the ACLU
Newsletter, you might as well leave the country now. |
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9. TRASH all bidets, fleur-de-lis wallpaper, and
F----h doors in your residence. If you didn’t already give up F---- Fries during the
run-up to the Iraqi invasion, do so NOW. |
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10. PURCHASE, MATTE, FRAME, and MOUNT throughout
your domicile large Norman Rockwell reproductions. (Upper-income persons should seek to
acquire originals.) |
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11. DONATE all books in your possession by persons
other that dead white males to the New York Public Library. |
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12. STOCK UP on Prozac, Viagra, and Extra-strength
Excedrin. You can store the cartons of medications in your now-depleted library. |
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13. TRY very hard to get a letter to the editor
published in the Washington Times. |
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14. FRAME said letter and give it pride of place
over your newly installed early American mantelpiece. |
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15. BURN all tickets you may have already
purchased for a future trip to Manhattan. |
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16. REFORMAT your hard drive if your Internet
Explorer address book has ANY addresses in a zip code starting "100—".
Note: Erasing and deleting will NOT do the trick. You MUST reformat. |
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17. FILL your new Internet Explorer address book
with persons in the 76638 (Crawford, Texas) zip code. |
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18. SPLURGE on gift subscriptions to The Weekly
Standard for everyone in your new Internet Explorer address book. |
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19. PRACTICE your pronunciation
("business" = "bidness"; "nuclear" = "nuke-u-ler";
"government" = "guh-muhnt"; "America" =
"Uh-mur-kuh"; "God" = "dah-nul rumz-feld." |
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20. BEFRIEND a Canadian border guard. If all the
above actions don’t keep you safe from the Bush Thought Police, because at some time
between 2005 and 2009 you are most likely going to need a friend to help you get out of
the country FAST. |
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21. SIGN a long-term lease on an apartment in Ulan
Bator, ready for occupancy whenever you show up on the steppes of central Asia. Too
expensive? We understand yurts are available cheap in the nearby countryside. |
128 pages of the best satire
from 6 years of Magellan's Log. Well beyond chortles, Is It
Empire Yet? verges on the downright hilarious. "Swiftian," says
one reader. "Rib-splitting," says another. "Brilliantly, uproariously
offensive to all right-thinking Republicans," says yet another. 128 pp. Paperback.
8.5" x 11". ISBN 0-9767821-3-8. $21.95: