Think about it. What would’ve happened to Thomas Edison if he’d been born in Imperial China ca. 1200? Or to Mozart if he’d lived in Austria in 780 instead of 1780? And what about Mickey Mantle if he’d been an Aztec ca. 1400?

Maybe you suffer from one of the great, unacknowledge maladies of our time: ACDS (Acute Chronological Displacement Syndrome).

Did you find yourself identifying really strongly with Russell Crowe as a gladiator? Did you find yourself longing to be Nicole Kidman playing Mrs. Dalloway? As you watched the young Shakespeare fall in love, did you become aware of a powerful longing to live in an era of great language, courtly manners, and cod-pieces?

If so, you are not alone. Millions, perhaps billions, are afflicted with what is surely the great, unacknowledged mental malady of our time: the overwhelming affinity for another time and another place, the malady which we have now identified and named: ACDS.

While ACDS research is still in its infancy, we have devised a brief test which will allow you to ascertain the severity of your own version of the malady.

Spend a couple of minutes on the few questions below, and you will most likely achieve a greater understanding of the source of your continuing unhappiness than you have got from many other expensive, lengthy cultural nostrums.

Following the test you will find suggestions for interpreting your results.

A large number of "b" answers indicates that you suffer from a moderate case of ACDS and would've much preferred to live out your life in the 20th century.

A large number of "c" answers indicates that you suffer from a somewhat severe case of ACDS and would've been happier in the 19th century.

A large number of "d" answers indicates that you are in the grips of an extremely severe case of ACDS and would've thrived in a period no later than the 17th century.

WHAT TO DO
Since ACDS research has just begun, there are obviously no "cures" available at this time. That's the bad news. The good news is that there are still pockets of life in the world where people are ffirmly stuck in the past. If you had lots of "b", "c", or "d" answers, it behooves you to hie yourself promptly to one of those places.

OUR SUGGESTIONS
For those with many "b" answers, we recommend taking up residence in one of the remoter corners of Canada where troubling phenomena such as "Donald Rumsfeld," "Yao Ming," and "cellphones" are but a distant rumor.

For those with "c" answers, a quick move to a village in the south of England (at least 75 miles from London) will work wonders. Imagine your soul's ease when you awaken each morning to the sight of thatched roofs, worship each Sunday in a service whose words--and the pronunication of those words--are grandiloquently Elizabethan, and your mail is delivered TWICE daily by a person on a bicycle.

As for the "d" answerers, sadly no recourse is available AT THIS TIME. The terrible truth is that the distant past with the places of your dearest dreams is gone. But do not give up hope. Magellan's Log is in the process of setting up an ACDS research foundation whose worked will be focused in two areas: 1) the development of cheap, safe time-travel, and 2) the construction of authentic distant-past theme parks. If you would like to join us in this effort, you will find more information at:

www.igottagetouttathisplace.org