Test Your Faith
by Jerden Purmort
With an administration that is trying to be a theocracy in everything but name, the role
of faith in all our lives becomes a matter of importance for all patriotic Americans. At
this point in time, traits such as tolerance, skepticism, or even irony are best left to
bi-coastal intellecturals whom nobody pays any attention to anyway. The rest of us
red-staters need to mind our p's, q's, alphas, and omegas if we want to do our part in
shouldering the burden of American global hegemony.
How are you doing faith-wise? Indicate the degree of your belief in
each of the following using a scale of 1 to 10, where "1" indicates "hardly
at all" and "10" indicates a belief strong enough to go to war in defense
thereof.
I believe in:
1.
___ a. The literal truth of the Bible.
___ b.The 1928 Book of Common Prayer.
___ c. Astronomy.
___ d. Various European reliquaries said to contain Jesus’s foreskin.
2.
___ a. George W. Bush.
___ b. Laura Bush.
___ c. Barbara Bush.
___ d. The Burning Bush.
3.
___ a. Route 66.
___ b. Interstate 405.
___ c. The Poconic Parkway.
___ d. The Via Attica.
4.
___ a. William Shakespeare.
___ b. The Earl of Oxford.
___ c. Francis Bacon.
___ d. Tweedledee and/or Tweedledee.
5.
___ a. Paul Wolfowitz.
___ b. Evian.
___ c. Diet Dr Pepper.
___ d. Strawberry Ripple.
6.
___ a. Hank Williams the Younger.
___ b. The Dixie Chicks.
___ c. The Anonymous 4.
___ d. Snoop Dog.
7.
___ a. Irving Berlin.
___ b. Cole Porter.
___ c. Hank Williams the Elder.
___ d. Josquin Desprez.
8.
___ a. Fox News.
___ b. The New York Times.
___ c. The Wall Street Journal.
___ d. Magellan’s Log.
9.
___ a. Mercedes-Benz.
___ b. General Motors.
___ c. Saab.
___ d. Skoda.
10.
___ a. Ken Lay.
___ b. Bill Gates.
___ c. Ted Turner.
___ d. Thomas Alva Edison.
11.
___ a. The Madonna’s breasts.
___ b. Madonna’s breasts.
___ c. J-Lo’s breasts.
___ d. Marilyn Monroe’s breasts.
12.
___ a. Thomas Kincaide.
___ b. Norman Rockwell.
___ c. Mark Rothko.
___ d. Robert Mapplethorpe.
13.
___ a. The slide rule.
___ b. XP.
___ c. Mac OS 10.
___ d. Linux.
14.
___ a. Abstinence.
___ b. Playboy.
___ c. Viagra.
___ d. Interstate highway rest areas.
15.
___ a. Coffee.
___ b. Bourbon.
___ c. Marijuana.
___ d. LSD and/or DMT.
16.
___ a. Levittown.
___ b. East Hampton.
___ c. Florence.
___ d. Burning Man.
17.
___ a. The End Times.
___ b. Yesterday.
___ c. Tomorrow.
___ d. Today.
18.
___ a. Rush Limbaugh.
___ b. Tom Brokaw.
___ c. Jim Lehrer.
___ d. Art Bell.
19.
___ a. Ann Coulter.
___ b. Agatha Christie.
___ c. Joan Dideon.
___ d. Lara Croft.
20.
___ a. Charlton Heston.
___ b. Arnold Schwarzenegger.
___ c. Jesse Ventura.
___ d. Charlie Sheen.
21.
___ a. Laying on of hands.
___ b. Advil.
___ c. Prozac.
___ d. Whatever gets you off.
22.
___ a. Pope Pius XII.
___ b. Robert Schuller.
___ c. Bertrand Russell.
___ d. Art Bell.
SCORING
Add all your "a" scores, "b" scores,
etc. and enter them here:
a. ______ b. ______ c. ______
d. ______
If your "a" scores total 180
or more, you are in for a rough ride, new-millennium- wise. You
would be well-advised to consider homesteading in the outback of Argentina.
If your "b" scores total 180
or more, you should be stockpiling gasoline in your basement to use
in your Escalade when the price hits $5 per gallon.
If your "c" scores total 180
or more, you should stop trying to pretend to save the world and go
back to watching your complete collection of Sopranos' DVDs.
If your "d" scores total 180
or more, congratulations. You are well-equipped, faith-wise, to
survive the coming roller-coaster of the 21st century.
If your TOTAL scores (all four
categories combined) equal 100 or less, you should see if your alma
mater won't invalidate your Ph.D. in European literature. Otherwise, there is no hope for
you.
END
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