Howz Ur
D.I.Q.?
by Jerden Purmort
There’s the normal "Intelligence Quotient,"
and then there’s the "Dubya Intelligence Quotient," the D.I.Q.
The normal I.Q. will, if high enough, get you or your kid into Harvard and well along a
path toward financial, if not emotional, well-being.
The D.I.Q. will, if high enough, get you or your kid into Yale and well along a
path toward financial, political, religious, and diplomatic well-being.
Methods of measuring the normal I.Q. are well-known, standardized, and widely
available.
Methods of measuring the D.I.Q. have been non-existent, mainly because nobody
could believe that 1) such a thing existed, and 2) that if it did exist, it mattered.
The unlikely ascendency of George W. Bush has changed that. Even those who are most
resistant to his charms (including this publication—so resistant have we been that we
have had to create TWO new categories of articles to contain our incredulous reactions to
him), now realize the way of the world has once again taken an odd turn, and we
are in danger of being left behind, culture-wise.
Now, it is clear that the future belongs to the George W. Bush’s of the world. It
thus behooves us ALL to get with the program.
But what IS the program?
In a clever bit of reverse engineering, we have devised the world’s first
Dubya I.Q. test. We have taken George W. Bush as the paradigm of successful human behavior
and have created 20 questions which enable you to quickly determine just how you shape up,
D.I.Q.-wise.
Each question is worth 10 points. Naturally, the only person in the world who would
score a perfect 200-point D.I.Q. would be Dubya himself, which is only fitting for the
ruler of the American Empire. With effort, dedication, and plain old West-Text
stick-to-it-ive-ness, the rest of us can come close.
How do you shape up, diq-wise?
Give yourself 10 points for each "yes". Evaluation of your
D.I.Q. follows the test.
 |
1. Have you ever landed (or wanted to
land) on an aircraft carrier? |
|
2. Have you ever stepped off (or wanted
to step off) a plane on an aircraft carrier in full wartime flight regalia
in front of the assembled world media? |
|
3. Have you ever experienced a
hard-on while stepping off (or wanting to step off) a plane on an aircraft
carrier in full wartime flight regalia? |
|
4. Have you ever clapped (or wanted to
clap) the president of China on the shoulder, grinned, and say, "How’s
it hanging, guy?" |
|
5. Have you ever relied on (or wanted to
rely on) your daddy’s moneyed friends to get you out of a mess such
as the draft, a D.U.I. charge, a bungled little oil company, a Florida vote count? |
|
6. Have you ever stood (or wanted to
stand) in the ruins of two 110-story buildings, wearing a yellow
hard-hat, and spoken to the assembled rescue workers while shedding crocodile tears for
the cameras? |
|
7. Have you ever lied (or wanted to lie)
convincingly in a State of the Union address? |
|
8. Have you ever had (or wanted to have)
a 300-pound behind-the-scenes advisor who basically relieves you of the necessity of
thinking on your own and whom you came to trust completely because most of the words and
proposals, no matter how outrageous, he put in front of you to say resulted in more
votes and higher poll ratings? |
|
9. Have you stayed away from museums,
classical music concerts, operas, and ballets because everybody knows they are the
true breeding grounds for queers? |
|
10. Have you ever gone (or wanted to go)
into the White House Rose Garden late at night when it’s just you and the Secret
Service guys and sat quietly waiting for God to speak? |
|
11. Have you ever then in fact heard
God speak and proceeded to do whatever He told you to do, such as invade Iraq,
erase environmental protection laws, give John Ashcroft more leeway, etc.? |
|
12. Have you ever cut (or wanted to cut)
the limbs off a few scraggly mesquite trees on your 1,600-acre ranch while the world press
corps took pictures of you in your tight-fitting Levi’s and your
white Stetson, with your F-150 lurking in the middle distance? |
|
13. Have you or your associated ever
staged (or wanted to stage) a memorial tribute to dead astronauts featuring the
gloppiest of 19th century protestant hymns played at a dirge-like tempo by the
U.S. Navy Band? |
|
14. Is a smirk your
standard facial response in situations where you’re not sure what to do or say next? |
|
15. Did your mother attend (or want to
attend) the Ashley Hall School for Girls in Charleston, South Carolina? |
|
16. Was your father embittered when
defeated in a presidential election by a white trash upstart from
Arkansas (from Arkansas!)? |
|
17. Did you have trouble finding a girl
of your own social class to marry who was willing to spend the rest of her life pretending
she was less intelligent than you? |
|
18. Did you run (or want to run) for
governor of your home state because at that point in your life neither you nor your
daddy’s moneyed friends could come up with anything else that you might
succeed at? |
|
19. Did you run (or want to run) for
president because if you made it you would finally be able to put all those
arrogant s.o.b.’s in their place who throughout your sorry life had made fun
of you behind your back for being tied to your mother’s apron strings and living off
your daddy’s name? |
|
20. For the first few months after you
became president were you basically scared shitless because you
didn’t have a clue, until a bunch of crazy foreigners attacked New York and
Washington and suddenly it all became clear and you knew God had a mission just for you
and that was to 1) make America into a truly Christian nation, and 2) make the world safe
for a Christian America. |
SCORING:
160-190: Genius. You
are not merely a Republican. You have a REAL D.I.Q. and have all the makings of a major
Republican leader.
130-150: Near-genius.
A true Republican. Whether your splendid free-market income allows you to buy $500-a-plate
or $10,000-a-plate seats at every party fund raiser, you will sleep well, knowing you are
part of the backbone of the Republic. Be proud of your well-above-average D.I.Q.
100-120: Above Average.
While your strained financial resources limit the amount of financial support you can give
to the party, your main constribution is your blind, mindless willingness to believe
EVERYTHING your party elders say.
70-90: Democrat.
50-60: Tree-hugger.
< 50: Humor writer for online magazine.
END
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