Call or Raise?
God summons St. Peter, "St. Peter, we have a problem. Heaven is full. However, we have a number of high profile candidates waiting at the gates, and we are suffering from falling popularity. So, I'm going to throw out Mother Teresa and let in one of the celebrities at the gate. You'll have to go and decide who is most suitable."

St. Peter goes down to the pearly gates and finds Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versacci and Princess Di waiting for him.

He says "I'm afraid I can only let one of you in, so each of you must come up with a reason for admission into heaven."

Freddie says, "I've been gifted with one of the most beautiful voices to ever grace the earth. I'll spend my time in heaven singing praises to God with the choirs of angels. Heaven will never have sounded better."

Gianni says, "I was earth's greatest designer. I will outfit the cherubs and angels in all the latest fashions - long silky gowns, satin cloaks and nightwear spun from the very clouds we stand on. Heaven will never have looked better."

Diana blushes a little, looks around nervously and seems unable to find something suitable to say. Suddenly, she strips off her skirt and panties, whips out a bottle of Perrier, shakes it up and douches with it.

St. Peter says, "Ok, Diana, you may enter. Have a nice day."

Freddie and Gianni are furious. "What's going on here?? We could make heaven look and sound better than ever before, and she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, but she gets in and we don't"

St. Peter just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Sorry guys, but a royal flush beats a pair of queens any day".

East Texas Funeral Home.

Gesture-challenged
A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw and he sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear everything, so he does sign language instead. He points at his eye meaning "I", he points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.

The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants and starts masturbating. The man on the 3rd floor gets angry and he runs down to the 1st floor and yells "What the fuck is wrong with you? I need a handsaw!"

The other guy says : "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you that I'm coming.

My Kingdom Come
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee.

"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Adam popped a cork, then jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please........." On and on he went like an excited little boy.

Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.

And so it was. And it was...well, good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "What's left here? Oh yes. one more thing: multiple orgasms..."

For non-Mandarin speakers, it says "Peace."

What Am I?
I am a useful tool, commonly found in the range of seven to eight inches long, with a function which is enjoyed by members of both sexes. I am usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. I boast a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, I am inserted, almost always willingly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again, many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming body movements. Anyone eavesdropping will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound resulting from the well-lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, I leave behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from my long, glistening shaft. After everything is finished and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, I am returned to my freely handing state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching a climax two or three times a day. What am I?

I am your toothbrush.

Nun, But the Lonely Heart...
Bill rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox.

While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Bill smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing under the robe.

Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming...".

He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"

She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they are firm and do not sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?"

Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers, "Outside when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

You Are What You Know
Sister Mary Catherine and Sister Mary Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.

Sister Mary Catherine casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"

Mary Elizabeth turns and moans, "Mine does..."