You Are What You Believe

Maurice Fitznuggly, Culture Studies Editor

John Lily said, "You are what you believe; what you believe either is real or becomes real." In the current version of civilization five systems of belief are dominant. To which do you adhere? If you choose to believe that we're not serious about this, well, Q.E.D.

1. Comparing only these five persons, which is the most important in terms of human progress?
    a. Jaron Lanier.
    b. Jacques Derrida.
    c. Jack Welch.
    d. Jack-a-Lent.
    e. Jack Paar.

2. Which of the following can you give from memory?
    a. Planck’s Constant.
    b. The number of deaths in the Thirty Years’ War.
    c. Total dollar-value lost in the market bubble-burst of 2001.
    d. The number of Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
    e. Average size of the erect human penis.

3. Which of the following statements is the most important truth?
    a. "The capacity of the computer chip will double every 18 months."
    b. "More is less; less is more."
    c. "What’s good for General Motors is good for America."
    d. "God is on our side."
    e. "Nothing is what it seems, and what nothing seems is false."

4. In your opinion, which of the following dates is most important in human history?*
    a. July 16, 1945.
    b. 1440.
    c. 1723-1790.
    d. 4004 B.C.
    e. 1207.

5. If you had $100 million, and your tax attorneys convinced you that you had to give it away, what would you do with it?
    a. Donate it to the Institute for Advanced Study at Princeton.
    b. Donate it to Poetry Magazine.
    c. Set up a foundation based in the Cayman Islands whose sole
        purpose would be to give an annual, very large prize to persons
        who set up $100-million-dollar foundations in the Cayman Island.
    d. FedEx it to Jerry Falwell.
    e. Construct a large vat on Michigan Avenue in Chicago, with an
        array of gas burners beneath it, fill the vat with manure from the
        stockyards, light the burners, drop the $100 million into the vat
        in the form of $100-dollar bills, and stand back and watch. (This
        answer inspired by Terry Southern’s The Magic Christian.)

6. None of the following received a Nobel Peace Prize. Which person do you think most deserved it?
    a. Edward Teller.
    b. Michel Foucault.
    c. Kenneth Lay.
    d. Oral Roberts.
    e. Pee-wee Herman.

7. If on a "Scale of Beauty," where 1 is very ugly and 10 is very beautiful, which one of the following would you give a 10?
    a. A Rover photograph of the surface of Mars.
    b. Las Meninas.
    c. Any day’s editorial page of the Wall Street Journal.
    d. The Crystal Cathedral in Anaheim, California.
    e. The joke page in Playboy.

8. Which of the following do you think human beings will most likely be aware of 10,000 years from now?
    a. Avogadro’s Number.
    b. The Goldberg Variations.
    c. Bill Gates.
    d. The Shroud of Turin.
    e. The Tele-tubbies.

9. Which of the following was the most important human accomplishment during the second millennium (1000-1999)?
    a. The scientific method.
    b. The works of Shakespeare.
    c. Free-market capitalism.
    d. Arthur Seymour Sullivan’s composing of "Onward, Christian
        Soldiers."
    e. The battery-powered dildo.

10. Which of the following periodicals is most important to the continuing betterment of humanity?
    a. Nature.
    b. The Nation.
    c. The National Review.
    d. The Watchtower.
    e. Magellan’s Log.

SCORING
For each "a" answer, give yourself one point, for each "b" answer 3 points, for each "c" answer 5 points, for each "d" answer 7 points, for each "e" answer 9 points.

Interpreting Your Score:

10-25:
Congratulations! You are a true Scientist, a nonpareil rationalist. You may of course have certain relationship issues in your personal life but your virtuosic ability to analyze such problems allows you to see that the problem lies not with you but with your quasi-rational Significant Other(s). You will not even be bothered by serial Significant Others, each of whom leaves with the same parting shot: "Well, fuck you too," or words to that effect.

26-40:
Congratulations! You are a true Humanist, ever aware that although all cultural values are ephemeral human constructs, your ability to explain this seemingly hopeless situation in impenetrable essays and books will not only assure you of tenure at the university of your choice, but also obsequious obeisance on the part of lesser beings who haven’t a clue what you’re talking about.

41: 60:
Congratulations! You are a true Capitalist, an incessantly acquisitive winner, living consistently in the belief that a rising tide lifts all boats but if the rising tide knows what’s good for it, it better include a non-progressive tax code and lift your boat a lot more than anybody else’s.

61-70:
Congratulations! You are a true Christian, a stalwart of the Church Militant, a literal-inerrantist or an inerrant literalist, whatever, in any case a trustworthy member of a local flock which as one hangs on your local shepherd’s every monosyllabic word.

71-90:
Congratulations! You are a true Free Thinker, a former cynic who is well on the path to learning that silence is the better part of wisdom.