Mall (Reykjavik, Iceland). Don't ask.

W.W.J.D.
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you."

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

Frightened, the burglar stopped dead again.

Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes," said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

W.W. the Proctologist D.
A well-known cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.One of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral --I'm a gynecologist." The proctologist fainted.

Member(ship) Problems
On the eve of the Gulf War 2, Angus Greenblatt came doon frae' the hills into Inverness to enlist in the Queen's Own Highlanders (Seaforths &Camerons). He presented himself before the Recruiting N.C.O., and according to orders, recited his credentials. The Warrant Officer nodded approvingly at his answers. Angus thought that he he was in for sure.

Suddenly, the Warrant Officer slammed Angus' file folder closed, and said: "Och lad, no go".

"Wha'ss this, Sar't Major?" asked the perplexed Angus.

"We canne ha'e ye in the Yoonit," replied the Warrant.

"But why, Sarn't Major? " asked Angus. "Me family's lived in Scotland since the '45, and me faither sairved in North Africa in the Black Watch under Montgomery durrin Wairl Warr Twa. Why dinnae ye want me in the Yoounit?"

"Ye're circumcised, is nae that kerrect?" asked the Warrant.

"Aye", replied Angus. "And tha's an oondeniable fact."

"Och, lad, then that's the reason".

Angus drew himself up to his full height, looked the Warrant Officer in the eye, and said: "Och. I can oonderstand that if a mannie wanted to join the Coldstream,or the Welsh or even the Scots Guards that he'd have to have the "proper family connections", but this is the fiurrst I eveer heard that ye had to be a complete prick to get into the Queen's Own Highlanders."

Yes, there is life on Mars.

A Discouraging Word
Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?" The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy... any guy who can wrap his dick around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with!"

Headlines (Some Old, Some New):

One of the Golden Oldies
A businessman was going on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.

He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick."

"So what's a voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said, "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door,and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally agreed to sell the voodoo dick for $700 in cash.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy."

He left on his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said,"Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.

On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said:

"Yeah, right......... Voodoo dick, my ass!"

Learning in Las Vegas
A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"

Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Jesus Christ! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

Guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.

He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, "$1,500."

"$1,500? My God! No blow-job could be worth that. A televangelist wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.  He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and show-places?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"