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The
Importance
of Being Professional
by Katherine
Ozanic
"I am the spirit that always negates."
–Mephistopholes (a.k.a. Satan), in Goethe’s Faust.
 In this period of triumphant unfettered
capitalism, few things can contribute more to your success than the level of
professionalism you display in all phases of your life.
Yet how often have you taken the time to stop
and ask yourself, "Just how professional am I in all phases of my life?"
Now is your chance to find out, and to spot
precisely where your shortcomings lie. Answer the 25 questions below, and then score
yourself acccording to the simple directions at the end of the test.
NOTE:
A sure sign of the non-professional is asking why all the the following statements are
phrased in the negative. As is well-known to professional psychologists, the use of
unnecessary negatives (and other linguistic complexities) is one of the best ways to
separate true professionals, who understand the many valuable uses of obfuscation, from
wannabe professionals.
|
|
ARE YOU A PROFESSIONAL SKEPTIC? |
YES |
NO |
1. I don’t believe George W. Bush is stupid. |
| YES |
NO |
2. I don’t believe McDonald’s has sold more than 10
billion hamburgers. |
| YES |
NO |
3. I don’t believe that all the stuff Wal-Mart sells that says "Made in
China" is actually made in China but most likely in North Dakota, or maybe West
Virginia. |
| YES |
NO |
4. I don’t believe that people who debunk Paul Harvey, Condoleezza Rice, and Rush
Limbaugh know what they’re talking about. |
| YES |
NO |
5. I don’t believe that people who debunk astrology, guests on the Art Bell radio
program, and John Edwards know what they’re talking about. |
|
|
ARE YOU A PROFESSIONAL REPUBLICAN? |
YES |
NO |
6. I don’t believe George W. Bush is stupid. |
| YES |
NO |
7. I don’t believe Karl Rove is the de facto president. |
| YES |
NO |
8. I don’t believe Condoleezza Rice actually spells her name that way. |
| YES |
NO |
9. I don’t believe Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas are anything more than good
friends. |
| YES |
NO |
10. I don’t believe Ari Fleischer is a botox junkie in spite of the way his face
looks when he tries to smile. |
|
|
ARE YOU A PROFESSIONAL CHRISTIAN? |
YES |
NO |
11. I don’t believe parthenogenesis is limited only to amoebas. |
| YES |
NO |
12. I don’t believe the Bible is only a magnificent collection of myths, because
when God decides to write a book it ain’t gonna be no bunch of bedtime stories. |
| YES |
NO |
13. I don’t believe the shroud of Turin is not what it seems to be. |
| YES |
NO |
14. I don’t believe TV evangelists are only in it for the money and the fame. |
| YES |
NO |
15. I don’t believe all those priests really, well, you know, did all that stuff. |
|
|
ARE YOU A PROFESSIONAL CAPITALIST? |
YES |
NO |
16. I don’t believe the lottery is a bad thing, since it gives the little people
a shot at big money. |
| YES |
NO |
17. I don’t believe Henry Ford was a bad guy just because he cozied up to Hitler. |
| YES |
NO |
18. I don’t believe Andrew Carnegie was right when he said, "The man who
dies rich dies in disgrace." |
| YES |
NO |
19. I don’t believe progressive taxation is a good thing. |
| YES |
NO |
20. I don’t believe in the "law of the jungle", but I don’t
exactly not believe in it either, at least when it comes to the day-to-day running of by
business. |
|
|
ARE YOU A PROFESSIONAL PROFESSIONAL? |
YES |
NO |
21. I don’t believe underlings’ opinions should be paid attention to except
in the most trivial matters, such as when deciding what brand copy machine to lease,
whether to allow unbuttoned shirt collars on casual Friday, and how many marshmellows
should be put in servings of lunchroom Jell-o. |
| YES |
NO |
22. I don’t believe the alleged inerrancy of the Pope approaches that of any CEO. |
| YES |
NO |
23. I don’t believe what accounting method a company uses—or doesn’t
use—is anybody’s business but the company’s own. |
| YES |
NO |
24. I don’t believe it’s possible for a real professional to own an SUV that
is too big. |
| YES |
NO |
25. I don’t believe there’s any room for not being 100% unemotional when
making professional decisions, whether in business or in government. |
SCORING
Give yourself 4 points for each "yes" answer.
90-100: Congratulations. You are a true
professional and a credit to the advancement of social Darwinism.
80-89: You’re getting there, but
you’d probably do well to start committing entire chapters of Machiavelli’s The
Prince to memory.
70-79: You are at best a borderline
professional. Your wishiwashiness is subjecting your career to the whims of chance, not to
mention subjecting yourself daily to the robust decisions of REAL professionals who score
in the 80s and 90s on this test. A mere MBA won’t fix things for you. If you’re
not too old, try a stint in the Marine Corps.
< 70: Resign yourself to a life of inept
serfdom, you amateur you, in which your only—futile, of course—pleasure will
come from repeatedly voting the straight Democratic, or worse, the Green ticket.
END
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