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Is It Empire Yet? |
Are You a
Genuine Old-fashioned
Cloth-coat Republican?
by Jerden
Purmort
At times in the hurly-burly of daily life, we lose sight of our
core values. Especially in this age of media richness, when we are constantly bombarded by
so much valuable consumer information--so many choices to make about what to think and
what to buy next, there is real danger that we will forget who we are and, more
importantly, why we are who we are, and just where we want the who-we-are to be tomorrow,
and the day after as well, if you see my meaning.
To help you be sure you are still on the path
you intended to be on when you set out in adult life, we have devised a small test of your
"right-thinkingness," if you see my meaning: a brief check-up of your own
private who-you-are-ness.
Few, of course, will score a perfect 100 on our
little quiz, but perhaps the questions themselves will help you take whatever corrective
measures are necessary to get you headed back in the Right Direction.
Answer each question and then score yourself
according to the directions following the test.
YES |
NO |
1. Do you experience penile or aureolar engorgement when you are within 20 feet of a
Humvee? |
| YES |
NO |
2. Are you pretty sure homeless people are actually actors hired by
the Democrats to make George W. Bush’s economic policies look bad? |
| YES |
NO |
3. Do you give a daily prayer of thanks for whoever it was who
invented off-shore banking? |
| YES |
NO |
4. Have you ever used the argument that clearly God is a
laissez-faire Republican because look at how He never intervenes, even to stop natural
disasters, famines, epidemics, or wars? |
| YES |
NO |
5. Does the fact that you can’t take it with you, and that you
KNOW you can’t take it with you, have zero effect on your desire to accumulate more
of what you can’t take with you? |
YES |
NO |
6. Do you consider church attendance to be just another social
ritual, like cocktails parties and committee meetings, necessary for advancing your
career? |
| YES |
NO |
7. Does golf figure prominently in your most pleasant dreams? |
| YES |
NO |
8. If you could be present at any momentous event in the past,
would you choose the day and place when the first copy of Adam Smith’s The Wealth
of Nations came off the press? |
| YES |
NO |
9. Do you secretly believe that Barbara Bush did a far, far better
parenting job than did Mary? |
| YES |
NO |
10. Do you consider a platinum Rolex to be primarily an investment? |
YES |
NO |
11. Are you embarrassed when your college-age offspring reports
that on the way to spring break at Daytona she shopped briefly at a Wal-Mart? |
| YES |
NO |
12. Do you find that the older you get the more foolish the Jesus
story seems for you and your peers but at the same time the more and more important it
seems for pacifying the masses? |
| YES |
NO |
13. Do you never think about the fact that your best friends all
have skin the same color as your own? |
| YES |
NO |
14. Do you religiously avoid the editorial page in the New York
Times? |
| YES |
NO |
15. Do you secretly believe that, all things considered, Germany,
in spite of the occasional misstep, is the greatest nation in the history of the world? |
YES |
NO |
16. Do you fail to see the humor in the following:
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting.
The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver--"PULL
OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "SCARF!" |
| YES |
NO |
17. Are you genuinely baffled by persons who do not realize that
Ronald Reagan was not only a great president but a great, possibly saintly, man as well? |
| YES |
NO |
18. Do you consider artists and intellectuals on the whole
well-intentioned but profoundly--and often dangerously-- misguided? |
| YES |
NO |
19. Do you avoid "ethnic" areas of your city except when
going out to eat? |
| YES |
NO |
20. Do you find it unsettling to make eye-contact with persons who
drive Volvos, Saabs, and especially Toyota Priuses? |
SCORING
Give yourself 5 points for each "yes" answer.
90-100: Congratulations. Warren G. Harding
would be proud of you.
80-89: Pretty good, but you probably haven't
shopped enough this week. Or for some time, for that matter. Sit down now and make a list
of expensive things you want but don't really need and go out this very evening and start
acquiring them.
70-79: Trouble ahead! You probably have more
than one credit card whose balance is paid off. Possibly you even have friends who don't
read the National Review. Assign yourself two hours nightly of nothing but Fox
news and commentary.
< 70: You are so far out of touch with
reality that even extreme penance may not help. Search eBay NOW and purchase as many of
the following as you can find:
 The Wit and Wisdom of Calvin Coolidge.
Mint-condition "I Like Ike"
buttons.
Escalade-size platypus-foreskin steering
wheel covers.
Inspirational Songs of the
Confederacy (8-track
format).
High school yearbook photographs of Karl
Rove,
Paul Wolfowitz, and Antonin Scalia that you can have
enlarged at Kinko's and framed for hanging both at
home and at the office.
END
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