Jokes VI

Dumb Question
A man walks into a store. He sees three brains on display. One is a Libertarian Brain, priced at $250. The second is a Democratic Brain, priced at $275. The third is a Republican Brain, priced at $5,000,000.

The man asks the sales clerk, "Why does the Republican brain cost so much more than the other two?"

The clerk replies, "Well, sir, that brain has never been used."

True Believer
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.

The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in fast, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some RELIGION!"

The skies darkened and a huge bolt of lighting struck nearby. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.

Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, Lord, for the food I’m about to receive."

Open Season
Two Aggies decide to go duck hunting. Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before and after several hours they still haven’t bagged any. One hunter looks at the other and says, "I just don’t understand it. Why aren’t we getting any ducks?"

The other Aggie says "I keep telling you, I just don’t think we’re throwing the dog high enough."

Before Pop-tops
One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I’m lookin’ for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender.

"We've got her!" replied the barkeep. "She’s upstairs in the second room on the right."

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers.

He grabbed the beer bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I’m lookin’ for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

"How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner.

"I don’t," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers before we get started."

Déjà vu
A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the service the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

Oops
There was a little boy who had accidentally swallowed a box of BBs. One day he came running out of the bathroom.

Little boy: Mommy, mommy! Guess what? Guess what?

Mom: What?

Little boy: I peed a BB, I peed a BB!

The next day, the same thing happens. The little boy comes running out of the bathroom.

Little boy: Mommy, mommy! Guess what? Guess what?

Mom: What?

Little boy: I peed a BB, I peed a BB!

The next day, same thing all over again. Little boy runs out of bathroom.

Little boy: Mommy, mommy! Guess what? Guess what?

Mom: I know, I know. You peed a BB.

Little boy: No. I was jacking off and I shot the dog!

T-shirt slogans
If the shoe fits, buy it.—Imelda Marcos

DISCOURAGE INBREEDING. Ban Country Music

Jesus is coming—everyone look busy.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming hysterically like the passengers in his bus.

Oops, Part II
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. Dr. Bruni takes one look at this woman and all professionalism immediately goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this, he says to the woman, "Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she says, "you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I’m doing now?"

"Yes," says the woman, "you’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"That’s right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sex with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I’m doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You’re getting herpes."