Each correct answers is worth FIVE POINTS. Each correct bonus answer is worth ONE POINT.

1. George W. Bush's absolutely most-favorite thing in the world is:
   a. Giving Putie an exploding cigar and watching him while he lights it.
   b. Placing a whoopie cushion on Tony Blair's chair.
   c. Learning the latest version of high five's from Clarence Thomas.
   d. The look on Mrs. Jiang Zemin's face when Dubya tickles her palm
        while shaking hands.
ANSWER: Americans like to encourage slow-learners and the culturally deprived, so we started with an easy one: ALL THE ANSWERS ARE CORRECT!!!

2. George W. Bush's second-favorite thing in the world is:
   a. A brand-new 128-pack of Crayolas.
   b. The secret note he just knows he's going to receive one day from
       Monica Lewinsky.
   c. The look on Poppy's face when Dubya rides into the newly
       conquered Bagdad on a tank.
   d. Pretzels.
ANSWER: D.

3. Which of the following does not belong?
   a. Alfred W. Neuman.
   b. George W. Bush.
   c. Ronald Reagan.
   d. Albert Einstein.
ANSWER: C.
BONUS QUESTION: Why does the one who doesn't belong, not belong?
BONUS QUESTION ANSWER: Because he has the same initial in his first and last name.

4. If you were going to be marooned on a desert island and could have only one vehicle with you, which would you choose?
   a. Lincoln Navigator.
   b. Cadillac Escalade.
   c. Humvee.
   d. Toyota Prius.
ANSWER: D. The Toyota is NOT an American vehicle, dummy!

5. What is the greatest movie of all time?
   a. Citizen Kane.
   b. Juliet of the Spirits.
   c. Deep Throat.
   d. Last Year at Marianbad.
ANSWER: C. If you don't understand why, you shouldn't even be taking this test.

6. Which of the following does not belong?
   a. Ernie Banks.
   b. Joe Dimaggio.
   c. Roy Liechtenstein.
  d. Derek Jeter.
ANSWER: C.
BONUS QUESTION: Why does the one who doesn't belong, not belong?
BONUS QUESTION ANSWER: Because he's J----h, dummy!

7. In which city will you find the Liberace Museum?
   a. San Francisco.   b. Peoria.   c. Las Vegas.   d. Charleston.
ANSWER: Las Vegas.

8. What is a "401(k)"?
   a. A scam.
   b. A dirty capitalist joke.
   c. A con game.
   d. A retirement plan carefully set up by Congress to assure the
       comfort of American workers in their old age.
ANSWER: D. A large part of being a real American is pretending to believe that our elected representatives serve the interests of all the people and not just the rich.

9. What is a "Karl Rove"?
   a. The de facto president.
   b. The greatest threat to American democracy that we've seen
       in the last 50 years.
   c. A pudgy, pasty-faced little man who Dubya thinks is the
       smartest guy he's ever known.
   d. All of the above.
ANSWER: D.

10. Complete the following analogy:
       Dick Cheney : trustworthy = global-warming : ___________.
   a. myth.
   b. liberal lie.
   c. anti-American conspiracy.
   d. All of the above.
ANSWER: D.

11. Choose the best word to complete this sentence:
      If Jesus were alive today, he would be a _______________.
   a. Republican.
   b. Southern Baptist preacher.
   c. A resident of Hilton Head.
  d. An NBA color commentator.
ANSWER: A, of course. MAYBE B or C or D, but it would really depend on how much free time he would have away from Washington, wouldn't it?

12. Which of the following does not belong?
a. Madonna.   b. Michael Jackson.   c. Billy Graham.   d. Eminem.
ANSWER: A. Congratulations! You finally got one right, didn't you?
BONUS QUESTION: Why does the one who doesn't belong, not belong?
BONUS QUESTION ANSWER: Because Madonna's the only one with ovaries.

13. Which of the following is not cool?
   a. Tiger Woods.   b. iPod.   c. Blogs.   d. Ari Fleischer.
ANSWER: D. (In case you're wondering why, you clearly do NOT have the makings of a real American, because all real Americans would know without even thinking about it that he's, well, you know, J----h.)

14. Supply the missing word:
     "...one nation under  ______ with liberty and justice for all."
   a. God.   b. greed.   c. capitalism.   d. Bush.
ANSWER: B.

15. There have been many great Americans. Occasionally, we have a super-great American. Which of the following is a super-great American?
   a. Jerry Falwell.
   b. Mrs. John Ashcroft.
   c. Rush Limbaugh.
   d. Charlton Heston.
ANSWER: B.
BONUS QUESTION: Why that person and not the others?
BONUS QUESTION ANSWER: No doubt you are surprised that a woman would qualify as a super-great American. If you will only imagine the strength of character, the extraordinary ability to bite one's tongue, the degree of patience required to deal daily with the paranoid fantasies espoused by her husband, you will realize that she is one of the true greats of this generation.

16. When real Americans see a speed limit sign that says "70", how fast do they drive?
   a. 80.   b. 75.   c. 70.   d. 65.
ANSWER: A.

17. If, on your path toward becoming a real American, you happen to wind up on The Price Is Right, and you have several prizes to choose from, which of the following would you choose?
   a. A Chevrolet Suburban SUV.
   b. A two-week eco-tourist vacation in Zimbabwe.
   c. A six-foot shelf of vegan cookbooks.
   d. A one-month internship at Magellan's Log.
ANSWER: A. If you chose any other answer, you may be sure you are one Tom Ridge's list of potential terrorists.

18. Which is your favorite American religion?
   a. Bahai.
   b. Southern Baptist.
  c. Primetime television.
   d. Day-trading.
ANSWER: D. Give yourself half-credit if you chose B.

19. Real Americans have several obsessions. Which in your opinion is the strongest?
   a. Baseball.   b. Football.   c. Basketball.   d. Sex.
ANSWER: A. We repeat: a big part of being a real American is PRETENDING to believe in certain American myths, of which baseball is one of the biggest.

20. Which of the following are real Americans most proud of?
   a. Their lawn.   b. Their children.   c. Their cars.   d. Their pedicures.
ANSWER: A.

YOUR SCORE: __________

EVALUATION:
90-100: You have an excellent chance of becoming an outstanding real American! Be sure to submit a copy of this test along with your answers when you apply for a visa.

80-89: You can do it, but it's not going to be easy. Your best next step is to subscribe to the Wall Street Journal immediately!

70-79: You are a borderline non-American. You have to decide whether the enormous wealth you will accumulate once you become a real American is worth the years-long cultural studies you're going to have to undertake to get here.

< 70: Fuhgeddaboutit. Learn to content yourself with the bush-league graft and corruption of your native country. The big league of fraud, deceit, and exploitation is simply out of your reach.

END

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