Being a citizen of the richest, most powerful empire the world has ever known is not an easy thing.

If you are thinking of moving to America, or if you would just like to become a sort of American clone to serve as a role model in your own country, there are many factors which you must take into account. Being a real American is not just a matter of waving platinum credit cards about, driving SUV's, and worshipping at the altar of the Great God of Free Markets. It's not even enough enough to wear an amulet bearing the likeness of Donald Rumsfeld.

Aware of just how difficult it is become a respected member of our advanced imperial society, we have devised a short quiz to help you decide whether you have what it takes to be a real American or whether you're better off remaining the benighted citizen of whatever cultural backwater you happen to have been born into.

Each question is worth five points. Note: Some questions allow you to earn bonus points.

1. George W. Bush's absolutely most-favorite thing in the world is:
   a. Giving Putie an exploding cigar and watching him while he lights it.
       (If you don't know who Putie, you might as well stop taking this test
       now. Hint: He runs Russia, sort of.)
   b. Placing a whoopie cushion on Tony Blair's chair.
   c. Learning the latest version of high five's from Clarence Thomas.
   d. The look on Mrs. Jiang Zemin's face when he tickles her palm
        while shaking hands.

2. George W. Bush's second-favorite thing in the world is:
   a. A brand-new 128-pack of Crayolas.
   b. The secret note he just knows he's going to receive one day from
       Monica Lewinsky.
   c. The look on Poppy's face when he (Dubya) rides into the newly
       conquered Bagdad on a tank.
   d. Pretzels.

3. Which of the following does not belong?
   a. Alfred W. Neuman.
   b. George W. Bush.
   c. Ronald Reagan.
   d. Albert Einstein.
BONUS QUESTION: Why does the one who doesn't belong, not belong?

4. If you were going to be marooned on a desert island and could have only one vehicle with you, which would you choose?
   a. Lincoln Navigator.
   b. Cadillac Escalade.
   c. Humvee.
   d. Toyota Prius.

5. What is the greatest movie of all time?
   a. Citizen Kane.
   b. Juliet of the Spirits.
   c. Deep Throat.
  d. Last Year at Marianbad.

6. Which of the following does not belong?
   a. Ernie Banks.
   b. Joe Dimaggio.
   c. Roy Liechtenstein.
  d. Derek Jeter.
BONUS QUESTION: Why does the one who doesn't belong, not belong?

7. In which city will you find the Liberace Museum?
   a. San Francisco.   b. Peoria.   c. Las Vegas.   d. Charleston.

8. What is a "401(k)"?
   a. A scam.
   b. A dirty capitalist joke.
   c. A con game.
   d. A retirement plan carefully set up by Congress to assure the
       comfort of American workers in their old age.

9. What is a "Karl Rove"?
   a. The de facto president.
   b. The greatest threat to American democracy that we've seen
       in the last 50 years.
   c. A pudgy, pasty-faced little man who Dubya thinks is the
       smartest guy he's ever known.
   d. All of the above.

10. Complete the following analogy:
       Dick Cheney : trustworthy = global-warming : ___________.
   a. myth.
   b. liberal lie.
   c. anti-American conspiracy.
   d. All of the above.

11. Choose the best word to complete this sentence:
      If Jesus were alive today, he would be   _______________.
   a. A Republican.
   b. A Southern Baptist preacher.
   c. A resident of Hilton Head.
  d. An NBA color commentator.

12. Which of the following does not belong?
a. Madonna.   b. Michael Jackson.   c. Billy Graham.   d. Eminem.
BONUS QUESTION: Why does the one who doesn't belong, not belong?

13. Which of the following is not cool?
   a. Tiger Woods.   b. iPod.   c. Blogs.   d. Ari Fleischer.

14. Supply the missing word:
     "...one nation under  ______ with liberty and justice for all."
   a. God.   b. greed.   c. capitalism.   d. Bush.

15. There have been many great Americans. Occasionally, we have a super-great American. Which of the following is a super-great American?
   a. Jerry Falwell.
   b. Mrs. John Ashcroft.
   c. Rush Limbaugh.
   d. Charlton Heston.
BONUS QUESTION: Why that person and not the others?

16. When real Americans see a speed limit sign that says "70", how fast do they drive?
   a. 80.   b. 75.   c. 70.   d. 65.

17. If, on your path toward becoming a real American, you happen to wind up on The Price Is Right, and you have several prizes to choose from, which of the following will you choose?
   a. A Chevrolet Suburban SUV.
   b. A two-week eco-tourist vacation in Zimbabwe.
   c. A six-foot shelf of vegan cookbooks.
   d. A one-month internship at Magellan's Log.

18. Which is your favorite American religion?
   a. Bahai.
   b. Southern Baptist.
  c. Primetime television.
   d. Day-trading.

19. Real Americans have several obsessions. Which in your opinion is the strongest?
   a. Baseball.   b. Football.   c. Basketball.   d. Sex.

20. Which of the following are real Americans most proud of?
   a. Their lawn.   b. Their children.   c. Their cars.   d. Their pedicures.

GO TO ANSWERS AND EVALUATION >>>>

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