Tips for Better Living for Teens

Troubled about how to lead a good Christian, Biblical life in this hedonistic, humanistic society? Send us your questions for authentic, time-tested guidance. This week's question:

"I'm a Christian and I have a sort of embarrassing problem. I need to know if masturbation is wrong in the eyes of God."
                                                                           --Troy

I know it took a lot of Kleenex courage for you to write this letter, Troy. So I want to give you some counsel to help you with this spillover issue.

I can imagine how difficult it was for you to stop stroking your magnificent, glistening 18-year-old schlong long enough to write to me, but truly the Lord moves in mysterious ways. Wait! Don’t think I want you to zip up while you read this. Feel free to let your extraordinary swollen dongle dangle. Now hold on (he-he) while I take a deep breath, utter a prayer or two, and try to answer your question. Of course, you know I may need a Kleenex myself before this is over (he-he)!!! Masturbation is the most practiced and least discussed sex act. A lot of people are doing it (Were YOU doing it, Troy, even as you logged on? At this very moment is your lovely eight-incher extended to its full ruddy length?, but hardly any one will talk about it. I’m happy to talk about it, Troy. In fact, if you’ll send me your phone number I’ll be happy to call you and give your as much personal one-on-one counsel as you need. You know Troy, that I will always go to the Bible to find answers to difficult questions. Yet nowhere in the Bible is masturbation mentioned. It sort of makes you wonder, doesn’t it? I mean, how did Adam manage before Eve? Are we supposed to think he just stood around admiring the Garden of Eden even while his swollen balls were aching like crazy? So what do we do?

I still go to the Scriptures. Even though masturbation isn't mentioned, the Bible has a lot to say about sexuality. To this very day people still talk about what a horny bunch those Middle Easterners are. You’ve probably heard stories about how it’s not even safe to be a camel in those parts (he-he).There are principles in God's word about sexuality which should be applied to masturbation. And those principles show us, I believe, that masturbation is wrong in the eyes of God. Of course it’s well to remember that apparently sometimes, fairly often in fact, God looks the other way when it comes to human affairs. We biblicists of course always think of Job in this respect. But you also have to wonder which way God was looking the day Bill Clinton was elected, or for that matter during those twenty years when Michelangelo was lying on his back painting all those huge uncircumcised male organs all over the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, don’t you? I don’t know if you’ve ever been there, but those pictures are so realistic it’s a wonder they don’t hand out umbrellas to the tourists to protect them from unexpected "precipitation", if you get my drift. Do you still have your pants unzipped, Troy? I want you to keep your member out and visible as a reminder to you of just how great the temptation is that the Lord sometimes puts in our path.

To begin with, Troy, and please for a moment stop stroking that marvelous ten-inch rod of yours think about one of God's purposes for sex: Sex was created by God to help prevent man's "aloneness" (Gen. 2:18). Sex was clearly meant for two people--that is why masturbation goes against God's purpose for sexuality. I want you to stop reading for a moment and just imagine HOW MUCH BETTER it would be if you had the girl of your dream’s mouth encircling that big throbbing knob. Now keep that wholesome picture in mind and imagine she has a wedding ring on and it’s YOUR ring. Wouldn't that be fine, Troy?

Also, we must think about what almost always goes along with masturbation: sexual fantasy. Images, photos, movies--they provide material for people to create their own sexual fantasies. And we can easily become addicted to these kind of fantasies. In Proverbs 12:11, we are told that "he who chases fantasies lacks judgment." I can imagine that even now you have two windows open on your screen, one holding my timely words of advice and the other for your favorite picture site. Is it boobsbythebarrelful.com? Or plentifulpussy.com? Or even, God forbid, cockscomeouttoplay.com?

Paul, in 1 Corinthians 6:12, asked us to live in reality, not in fantasy. He also told us not to be "mastered" Do you think he could've meant to say "masturbated," Troy? by anything. It may be difficult to understand, Troy, but masturbation can do great damage to you sexually. I mean, doing it six times a day like you probably do must make your huge eleven-incher sore sometimes, doesn’t it? And then look what happens: you have to LAY OFF doing it for two or three days! Surely you can see that moderation here is the best course. Try your best to limit your jiz release to two times a day, well, OK, three max. Your sexual stimulation and pleasure can become tied to certain images that aren't reality, that only exist in your head. Your future sex life within your marriage, could suffer.

Finally, masturbation can become a substitute for healthy relationships with other people. Some people make the mistake of choosing masturbation as an unhealthy way to deal with their loneliness, depression, or frustration. They turn to masturbation as an emotional substitute for their problems. I know, I know, you’re horny ALL THE TIME. I would be too if I had a gigantic twelve-incher like yours. But you’ve got to remember that no matter how good it feels, no matter how many times you do it every day, 6? 8? 10?, that’s still not as good as having a church-sanctioned wife and helpmate, one of whose Christian duties is TO HELP YOU GET YOUR ROCKS OFF WHENEVER YOU WANT TO!!!

So how do you overcome the problem of masturbation? First, you must remind yourself that God loves you. And don't hate your sexual feelings. God made each of us with these kind of feelings. They may be difficult to deal with, but God can help you with them as you make Him the master of your sex life. If you have any doubt about how God feels about sex, just open your Holy Bible that I know you always keep right beside your keyboard, open it to the Song of Solomon and read all about those two lovers going at each other. To be sure, we don’t get all the hard-core details, like, we don’t know exactly about SIZE, but there’s no doubt about what’s going on here and HOW GOD APPROVES!!!

Masturbation is almost always a symptom of a deeper need. So Troy, look closely into your heart and mind. What is motivating you to masturbation? Are you lonely? Are you depressed? Are you afraid to date? (Are you not spending time getting to know the students in a good youth group?) You might want to try working off some of your excess energy by volunteering to coach your local youth group basketball team; there’s no substitute for the Christian cameraderie that forms in the showers after a good game.

Find someone--someone you can trust--to help you with this problem. Maybe it's your youth pastor or a very close friend. Ask him to hold you accountable and to pray with you. Just remember that every pious, worshipful adult you see in your church has gone through exactly what you’re going through. Feel free to approach one of them. Pick one who seems especially friendly and ask for some private help. You may be very pleasantly surprised at the closeness of the bond you can form with an older male role model who will be more than happy to assist you in your frequent hours of need. Also work hard at making some new friends. That way you can socialize instead of fantasize.

Finally you should avoid anything (such as websites, magazines, TV shows, or movies) which channel your sexual feelings into fantasies. I've always told students and teenagers that what you put into your mind will come out in your life--"garbage in/garbage out." There’s a silver lining here, Troy. If you avoid external pictures and instead rely only on pictures you make in your own mind, just remember that you’re doing a kind of mental isometrics. You’re exercising your imagination not just daily, but many times each day, and those kinds of mental exercise will pay off bigtime down the road of life. You can even expect your SAT’s to go up just because your powers of visualization have increased so much!

Troy you've taken a very difficult step toward solving a difficult problem. I'm proud of you. And I know God loves you, and He's proud of you. And most of all, God will help you. I know He will. That’s all for now. Why don’t you stop and practice some of the techniques I’ve told you about above? Got your Vaseline and Kleenex handy? So do I (you don’t think I would ask you to do anything I wouldn’t do, do you?). Now, let a picture begin to form in your mind… that’s it, and let that fourteen-incher expand to its full unbelievable length, and go to it!