Tasteless Jokes 58:
Aggie Time

Did you hear about the tragedy in College Station, where Texas A&M is located? The mall there lost electricity and people were stuck on the escalators for 4 hours.

An Aggie is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."
So the Aggie takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?", the Aggie asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day", the Aggie tells himself.
So, the next morning the Aggie gets up at 4 in the morning and cuts, and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and he only manages to cut five cords. The Aggie is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer", the Aggie says to himself.
The very next day the Aggie brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the Aggie 's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Huh, it looks fine." Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the Aggie responds, "What's that noise?"

Two Aggies are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away. He replies, "Those ones were pointed on the wrong end." The buddy gets exasperated and says "You idiot, those are for the other side of the house!"

And of course there’s the Aggie firing squad. It stands in a circle.

An Aggie wins a brand new sports car in a contest. He drives around all the time waving at the rednecks. One day the rednecks stop him, they draw a circle in the dirt and say "If you step out of that circle, we will kick your ass." They pick up hammers and start busting up his new car. They look back and the is smiling. They hit the car some more, and he is laughing. They walk over to him and ask "Why are you laughing, we just busted up your car." He says "I know, but I stepped out of the circle 9 times."

Did you hear about the terrible automobile accident last night? An Aggie family on vacation lost all of their children. The pickup truck they were riding in ran off the road into a lake and sank to the bottom. The parents got out of the cab OK but all the kids in the back drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate open.

Q: How do you break an Aggie's finger?
A: Hit him on the nose.

Q: What's the smallest room in the world?
A: The Aggie Hall of Fame.

Q: Why are there no ice cubes in College Station?
A: The Aggies lost the recipe.

Q: Why don't Aggie women breast-feed their babies?
A: It hurts too much when they boil the nipples.

Q: Why do Aggie men make lousy lovers?
A: Because they always wait for the swelling to go down.

Q: What do you call an Aggie with 1500 girl friends?
A: A shepherd.

Q: Why did the Aggie sell his water skis?
A: He couldn't find a lake with a hill in it.

Q: What does an Aggie girl do after she sucks cock?
A: Spits out the feathers.

Q: Why did the Aggie couple decide to have only 4 children?
A: They'd read in the newspaper that one out of every five babies born in the world today is Chinese.

Q: Why did the Aggie Library have to close?
A: Someone stole the book.

In America, they say, "It's 10:00 - Do you know where your children are?"
In England, they say, "It's 10:00 - Do you know where your wife is?"
In France, they say, "It's 10:00 - Do you know where your husband is?"
In College Station, they say, "It's 10:00 - Do you know what time it is?"

And then there was the tragedy involving the entire Aggie Ice Hockey team. They drowned during spring training.

Did you hear about the Aggie who lost $50 on the football game? $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.

An Englishman, a German and an Aggie are lost in the Nevada desert. After days without water or food they come upon a lamp half buried in the sand. They rub the lamp and out comes a genie. Since they all rubbed the lamp the genie grants each one a single wish. The German goes first and wishes to be transported back to his house where his pool was filled with beautiful women. The genie claps his hands and the German vanishes in a flash of light. The Englishman wishes to be transported back to his house where he knows his wife will be eagerly awaiting him. Once again the genie claps his hands and the Englishman vanishes. The Aggie sits down and thinks about what he should wish for. Suddenly realizing he is all alone in the desert, he promptly wishes that the German and the Englishman were back.

An Aggie came home one day from work, hung up his coat, took off his hat and walked into his bedroom shouting "honey I am home!" What should he see but his best friend in bed with his wife. Infuriated, he rushed to the cupboard, pulled out his gun and put it to his head. His wife started laughing. "Don't laugh!" he screams. "You're next!"

A Californian is driving with an Aggie as his passenger, when he decides to pull over because he suspect that his turn signal may not be working. He asks the Aggie if he would mind stepping out of the car to check the lights while he tests them. The Aggie steps out and stands in front of the car. The English guy turns on the turn signal and asks, "Is it working?" To which the Aggie responds, "Yes, it's working....No, it's not working....Yes, it's working....No, it's not working...."

Two Aggies are riding across Europe on a 727, a 3-engined plane, when the pilot announces, "Folks, we just had one engine go out, but don't worry, this plane can fly just fine on two engines, but we're going to be about 1 hour late getting into Warsaw." An hour later, the pilot gets on the intercom again, "Folks, don't get alarmed, but a second engine just went out, but please don't worry. This plane is designed to fly safely on one engine, but now we'll be about 2 hours late getting into Warsaw." After that announcement, one Aggie looks at the other and says, "Well, I sure hope that third engine doesn't go out. We'll be up here all night."

And then there was the female Aggie who tried to trade her menstrual cycle in on a Honda.

A 12-year-old boy comes up to the Aggie and says, "I was looking in your bedroom window last night and I saw your wife giving you a blow job. Nyah, nyah, nyah." The Aggie answers, "The joke's on you, sonny. I wasn't even home last night."

For five years, two Aggies and an Italian have worked side by side every day as window washers, and every night after work they stopped for a drink. One day, disaster struck, and the Italian fell to his death. The police came to the site and began asking questions. "Where does he live?" The Aggies shrugged their shoulders. "Is he married?" The Aggies didn't know. "What is his NAME?" The Aggies shrugged again. "You worked with this guy for five years and you don't know anything about him?" the cop asked. "I know something about him," one Aggie volunteered. "He has two assholes." "What are you talking about?" said the cop. "Well," said the Aggie, "Whenever we go for a drink after work the bartended says, 'Here comes the dago with the two assholes.'"

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool." Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "120." So the robot started talking about the super bowl, dirt bikes, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool." A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "80." The robot then said, "So, how are things in College Station these days?"