Ask the Medium

Skiatatuk Speaks
Communiqué No. 364,913

Background:
One of our staffers, who chooses to remain anonymous, has for several decades (long before the channeling fad) been able to alter his/her consciousness (he/she refuses to use the term, "go into a trance") and then speak with a different voice and a different personality. His/her partner dutifully records all sessions. As you will note from the number above, this has been going on for a while. The personality who speaks long ago announced that it wished to be addressed as "Skiatatuk," with--please note--the accents on the second and fourth syllables. Thus: skee-AH-tah-TOOK. Pretentious? Who's to say.

Wait. There's more. Skiatatuk also prides him/herself on being the only foul-mouthed spirit guide in the higher planes. He/she cusses like a sailor. You have been warned.

Readers are invited to submit questions. Because of the volume of submissions, Skiatatuk will respond only to queries which we publish.

Query
Dear Skiatatuk,
The other night I happened to fall asleep with my digital camera lying on the nightstand just a few inches from my head. A few days later, after taking various pictures, I began downloading them and discovered this one shot THAT I DEFINITELY DID NOT TAKE. Is it possible that I had a dream that somehow registered on my camera's megapixels??? I'm baffled. Please consult the higher realms and help me. Here's the picture:

                                                   --Overexposed in Liverpool

Response
Dear Over,
What the fuck. The vibes up here indicate one of the imps of dreamland was having a little fun with you that night. Of course this is a dream image that registered on your crummy little camera, dickhead! What you seem to have missed, shit-for-brains, is the joke. Before we go on, I want you to get out the ruler and measure that wee little shrimplet between your legs... We're waiting... OK, you got the measurement? Now. Compare the size of that minuscule snail that you spend so much time thinking about with the picture that some dream-imp put in your slumbers. Still don't get it? I'll spell it out for you: Did you EVER see anybody with a COCK that BIG???

Query
Dear Skiatatuk,
We all learn pretty fast that politicians are about as trustworthy as a high school football coach speaking at the Rotary Club. We even knew that bankers and businessmen, in a pinch, could be known to fudge a little here and there so it's not much of a surprise to find out about Enron, Worldcom, etc., etc., etc. Now, come to fine out, there's been quite a bit more going down at the local parish house than your ordinary everyday transsubstantiation. I mean it just plain turns my stomach to think of Father Joe (pardon my language) sucking cock, and then to have to imagine him doing it with a bunch of altar boys from our very community... Well, my Christian soul is in a state of confused torment and I would like to have some advice about what to do. Every time I put money in the collection plate now all I can think about is it's going to be used to rent Debbie Does Dallas for showing at the next boy scout troop meeting, of which Father Joe is of course the sponsor.
                                                         --Vomited-out in Rochester


Response
Dear Vomited-out,
What kind of born-yesterday mother-fucking nitwit are you? Put a bunch of repressed, unmarried men wearing long skirts and tight collars with a bunch of (redundancy warning!) horny boys, and what do you think's going to happen? The problem, asshole, lies not in the church but in yourselves! You physical plane creatures add a whole new level of meaning to the term "hypocrite." You think just because you give somebody a pretty outfit and get him to promise to be chaste that that's going to override 10,000,000 years of evolution that says, "Fuck-fuck-fuck"? When it comes to diddling with the choirboys, don't forget that the cradle-of-democracy Greeks did it, the Buddhist did it, and the Muslims still do it, big-time.

What you OUGHT to be vomiting about, you lily-livered shit-eater, is the level of physical violence inflicted on the young in both religious and secular schools--the whipping, the hitting, the swatting that passes for discipline, when what it really is is puredy old abuse of children. And who's yelling about THAT, horse's ass? Nobody. Why? Because all you dense physical speciemens KNOW that it's perfectly all right to hit a child when a child needs hitting, because you're older and know more. Fortunately for you, you are also bigger and stronger which means the child can't fight back. Bullies by any other name.

So don't get all righteous and pious about a little cock-sucking, you cowardly mini-dick, you, when you inhabit a world of beaten children and pretend that that's no problem, no problem.

Query
Dear Skiatatuk,
In the early days of Magellan's Log I noticed that you made fairly frequent appearances. Lately though your foul-mouthed metaphysical meanderings have been few and far between. What's going on? You have some real fans down here, you know, and we miss your take on things a lot!
                                                                       --Idle Idolator

Response
Dear Idle,
It's simple, you dumb-assed dolt (though why I'm even bothering to answer a question from such a low-level, lice-ridden entity as yourself). I seem to remember that your species generally looks down on creatures that "foul their own nests." Your planet, frankly, is becoming too ugly to hang around. I'm not talking about pollution and the way you're cutting the forests and paving over the whole place. That's all on the extremely gross level and is of little long-run concern to those of us on the higher planes, you no-good piece of month-old camel dung, you. There's another kind of pollution, call it your higher quality pollution that to you myopic apes seems to be completely invisible but drifts all the way up to us up here and makes our empyrean home look like Los Angeles on a bad smog day. I'm speaking of course of the effects of your negative emotions. Mainly selfishness and, a close second, greed. The smog of vicious, self-centered unknowing that now surrounds your planet makes it almost impossible for any of us up here even to see what's going on, much less try to do anything about it. You donkey-faced low-lifes seem to think it's OK to just keep on grabbing for more-more-more, more money, more power, more guns, more everything, as if that is the proper behavior of a species with some smidgen of intelligence. Lately my inclinication, Idle, has been to leave you and your to your own befouled nest.

END

Got a problem? Write to Skiatatuk.

Send this page to a friend.

Back to Magellan's Log 57

   Magellan's Log front page