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1. Do you believe that not only has the
Anti-Christ already been born but He appears daily on the Weather Channel? |
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2. Do you wish the Second Law of
Thermodynamics were more meaningful to you in your daily life? |
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3. Is it your belief that the plural of
"Kotex" is "Kotices"? |
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4. Do you draw daily moral, ethical, and
political strength from the editorial page of the Wall Street Journal? |
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5. Do you believe that human residential
architecture reached a peak of perfection in Levittown? |
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6. Did you resort to Alka-Seltzer, Tums, or an
extra Prozac after the breakfast during which your teenage son announced that he was
convinced that he was a female trapped in a male body? |
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***7.
Do you sometimes get frightened when Disney stock drops and you think about what a dreary
world we would occupy without the various Disney theme parks, movies, and musical
offerings? |
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8. Do you judge your neighbors by the neatness
and verdancy of their lawn? |
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9. When alone are you careful to remove nasal
mucus with a tissue or handkerchief, just as you would do in public? |
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10. As a child, did you secretly believe that
you were the illegitimate offspring of either a former Republican president or of a
prominent Republican senator noted for his well-gelled hair? |
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11. If you are male, are you pretty sure that
your penis is of inadequate length? If you are female, are you pretty sure you are not as
intelligent as most men? |
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12. When you visited the Liberty Bell, were
you seized by an almost uncontrollable urge to kiss it? |
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13. Do you believe God is on our side mainly
because that’s what He tells you every time He speaks to you? |
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14. Though you always smile and greet your
South Asian neighbor on one side and your Chinese neighbor on the other, do you secretly
wonder about the depth and sincerity of their patriotism? |
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15. Do you develop a facial tic when you
fantasize a three-way with a former president and his fellatrix? |
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16. In weighing the moral standing of other
people are you generally able to hate the sin but love the sinner? |
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17. Do you develop genital moistness when you
fantasize a four-way with the current American president, an African-American Supreme
Court justice, and an Italian-American Supreme Court justice? |
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***18. Do you believe that, basically, Prius drivers are the scum of the earth? |
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19. Do you secretly envy those who have a
Republican elephant tattoo on their buttocks? |
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20. Have you ever experienced any level of
genital or aureolar tumescence while watching or listening to Britney Spears? |
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21. Do you believe that, though the Bible was
written over a period of a thousand years by different people in different languages (all
of whom and which are dead now), it contains no errors because God would never allow a
book full of His directives to contain errors? |
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22. Do you believe that happiness is in your
own backyard especially if your backyard contains a four-burner windproof propane grill, a
six-person Jacuzzi, and five Bose outdoor surround-sound speakers? |
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23. Do you sometimes avoid stepping on cracks
in the sidewalk? |
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24. Was puberty the most exciting time of your
life? |
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***25. Does it bother you that you have no idea what Avogadro’s Number is? |
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26. Does the sight of a non-Anglo in a Lexus
cause you to experience heart palpitations? |
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27. Do you collect the used underwear of
famous politicians? |
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28. Do you draw moral sustenance and ethical
guidance from the lyrics of Oscar Hammerstein II in the period when he was working with
Richard Rodgers? |
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29. Do you sometimes suspect that, all things
considered, Bob Dylan was greatly overrated? |
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30. Do you admire Martha Stewart but worry
about her ugly hands? |
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31. Do you believe that, civilization-wise,
it’s been pretty much downhill since the transmission of the Ten Commandments? |
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32. Have you never hurled an inanimate object
at the television when watching the American president? |
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33. Have you never hurled an animate object
(an animal companion or perhaps a small loved one) at the television when watching the
American president? |
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34. Do you sometimes find yourself believing
that Jay Leno is actually funny? |
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35. Have you held onto your Archer Daniels
Midland stock even since they’ve becomed "enhanced supporters" of the
notoriously left-wing liberal pinko News Hour on PBS? |
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36. Is one of the most secret files on your
computer the rough draft of a document with the working title, "Protocols of the
Homosexual Elders," which you hope to complete after you retire? |
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37. Are you fond of navel lint, especially
your own? |
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38. Do you believe that the eye over the
pyramid on the dollar bill is watching you? |
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39. Does the grill of a 1956 Edsel make you
think of intromission and things like that? (Now you know.) |
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40. Do you find tomatoes sexy? |
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***41. In the voting booth do you ask yourself what would Jesus do? |
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42. Do you consider yourself a master of the
completely silent fart? |
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43. Do you brag to friends about how many of
Andrew Lloyd Webber’s toenail clippings you’ve bought on Ebay? |
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44. Do you sleep poorly because you’re
still lacking two first editions to complete your definitive collection of John Grisham's oeuvre? |
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45. Do you never mutter a four-letter word
when watching the American president? |
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46. Do you never shout a four-letter word when
watching the American president? |
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47. Did it bolster your faith in your own
preacher’s homilies when you found out that his favorite novel is Lolita? |
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48. Are you pretty much indifferent to the
practice of circumcision? |
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49. Do you prefer cyber-porn to paper or video
porn? |
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50. Do believe deep down that, as far as
serious art, literature, and music are concerned, the twentieth century was pretty much a
wash? |
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51. Do you never shout a string of four-letter
words when watching the American president? |
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52. Do you never shout a long string of
four-letter words when watching the American president? |
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53. While sipping espresso on St. Mark’s
Square in Venice, have you ever thought about Tadzio and, well, all that? |
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54. Do you ever wish, especially when
masturbating, that you had eleven or more fingers? |
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55. Do your palms sweat more during take-off
than during landing? |
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***56. Do you believe that Art Bell is a real person? |
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57. Do you sometimes feel a burning or itching
in your wallet or purse that can be assuaged only by shopping? |
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58. Do you feel sorry for persons who
don’t realize that a Zionist conspiracy controls the media, not to mention the
government? |
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59. Do you believe that it is the Divine Right
of SUV drivers to move to any lane of the freeway at any time with no warning whatsoever? |
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60. Do you believe that in His heart of hearts
God is a free-market Capitalist? |
Do you have your paper and writing instrument of choice ready?
Remember to pay very close attention to the questions marked with three asterisks as much
of your future depends on how you answer those questions. (If you are still bothered by
the presence of the image on the left, be patient; clarity comes to those who wait.)
