MLMPI!
The Magellan’s Log Multi-phasic
Personality Inventory Test

by MLCIMHTP
(The Magellan’s Log Committee to Improve
Mental Health Testing Procedures)

If the unexplained presence of this photo
of a 1956 Edsel grill bothers you,
you have come to the right place.

INTRODUCTION TO THE MLMPI! TEST

One of the key items in the diagnostic toolbox of every mental health professional is the Minnesota Multi-phasic Personality Inventory Test. Consisting of hundreds of yes-no questions ("Do you enjoy reading Mechanix Illustrated?" "Do you sometimes feel a burning sensation on the top of your head?") whose larger meaning is not always immediately obvious, the old MMPI test yields results which, to the trained professional, are supposed to reveal very precisely how far away from "reality" you have carelessly allowed your mind and your behavior to wander.

The drugs, treatment, and even in some cases incarceration to which you will be subject so that you may be "cured" are largely chosen according to your answers on the MMPI.

Obviously, if your life has gotten so out of hand that you find yourself in a room with a copy of the MMPI in front of you awaiting your answers, the task is not to be taken lightly. Not only does your future life depend on it but also, if you have not yet reproduced, the lives of your future potential heirs. (Castration is not out of the question if your answers tend in a certain direction.)

Mental health pro’s hold the old MMPI with its 600-odd questions in such high esteem that shelves of books have been written about it and how to interpret the results. We recently spent some time going through a few of these dense volumes.

We were struck by two things.

1. A lay person trying to figure out what a given question means (not to mention the whole test) will have about as much luck as a lay person trying to program a VCR. The questions are—there’s no way around this—just plain WEIRD, so weird that you have to wonder not only about the mental health of the people taking the test but about the mental health of the people who came up with the test as well.

2. The MMPI is hopelessly dated. Mechanix Illustrated? Does that magazine even exist anymore? A burning sensation on the top of one’s head? Well, actually, yes, every time one goes to the tanning salon.

We quickly concluded that the world was overdue, way overdue, for a new, improved mental health diagnostic test.

The new test should, we felt, be 1) short, 2) relevant to the new millennial cyber-age, and 3) transparent.

We are pleased to release for free, public use The Magellan’s Log Multi-phasic Personality Inventory Test: the MLMPI, already affectionately known among the cognoscenti who have taken it as the "Mulmpy."(As far as we know the old MMPI is not known affectionately as anything, but what do you expect for a test where, if you answer certain questions a certain way, next thing you know you’ve been electroshocked and lobotomized to a fare-thee-well?)

Taking the MLMPI! Test
The MLMPI consists of sixty yes-no questions.

At this point we are supposed to tell you that there are no right or wrong answers (if you believe that, we have a bridge in Brooklyn we’d like to sell you).

YOU MUST ANSWER EVERY QUESTION. If you feel the question simply doesn’t apply to you, answer "No."

As on the old MMPI, some questions are critically important to your future functioning as an effective member of Late Capitalist Society. Takers of the MMPI wasted a lot of time trying to figure out which were the critical questions because they knew "wrong" answers on those questions meant trouble ahead.

Takers of the MLMPI needn’t worry their heads about such things. For your test-taking convenience and future peace of mind, we have marked the critically important questions—the ones where you really really want to think carefully about your answer—with a triple asterisk.

There is no time limit, though if you haven’t finished after six hours you may want to consider enrolling in a brief refresher course in remedial English at your local community college.

You can either print the test and use the handy boxes to check "Yes" or "No", or you can get a piece of paper and number from 1 to 60. and write either "Y" (for "Yes") or "N" (for "No") beside each number.

At the end of the test you will find a link that will take you to the scoring and all-important interpretations page.