Tasteless Jokes 53

Wise Guy
It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, "Patrick Henry, 1775," He said. "Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?"

Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Japs." "Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!"

And Suzuki said, "Arthur Andersen, 2001."

Pun's the Word
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat

Two-liners
Q: How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance

Q: Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
A: It saves time in the long run.

Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
A: His wife died.

Q: What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Pee Wee Herman in their holding cell at the jail?
A: "Stop playing with my lunch."

Q: What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
A: They're hiring.

Q: What do a Walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A: They both like a tight seal.

Q: What has four legs and eight arms?
A: A pit-bull terrier at a children's play area.

After hours
Three altar boys are standing in the snow with their pants down around their ankles. They have their penis' in a snow bank.

Sister Margaret sticks her head out the window and says, "Boys! boys! Whatever are you doing... you're going to catch pneumonia. Put your penis' away."

The tallest altar boy turns around and yells, "Sister Margaret, don't worry, we know what we're doing. Father Porter always likes a couple cold ones after work...."

Blue Light Special
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out, "Can I help, sir?"

"No thanks," says the blind bloke. "Just looking."

Kink
Two prostitutes standing on a street corner. One says to the other, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the tits!"