Tasteless Jokes 51

Marital Bliss
A forty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you! ?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says "I don't care. I just came from the doctor and he says I have the breasts of an 18-year-old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 41-year-old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

Canuck Cleverness
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way that you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada," the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but Whores and Hockey players up there."

"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"

The boy replied, "No shit??? Who did she play for?"

At a party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? The other replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a big gut, and still think they are beautiful.

"When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking."
--Elaine Boosler.

Well-done
Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked them, roasted them, stewed them and tried every sort of marinade. I just can't seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"

The other replies, "You know the ones that hang out at the place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder you're having problems cooking them. Those are friars!"

Waste not, want not
Two Irishmen, Murphy and O'Brien grew up in the same village together. They were friends all their lives, married a pair of sisters, and lived just down the street from one another. But now, Murphy had cancer, and was lying on his deathbed, surrounded by his friends.

He calls, "O'Brien, come 'ere O'Brien. I 'ave a request for ye." O'Brien walks to his friends bedside and kneels down.

"O'Brien, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm dying 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."

O'Brien bursts into tears, "Anything Murphy, anything ye wish. It's done."

"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."

O'Brien was overcome by the beauty and true Irish spirit of his friend's request.

"Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"

Problems of Aging
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts... although still silent... stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."