No. 14 in an On-going Series

The Call of the Sacristy

by Nfubi Kwaadutu

Editor's Note:
Clearly, the hard times endemic to both Saharan and Sub-Saharan Africa have now fallen on Nfubi Kwaadutu, our intrepid man in Chad. His recent reports have been thinly disguised pleas for (there is no gentle way to put this) money. Now it seems that this remarkable journalist, noted in the past for his unstoppable investigative impulses and for his deep analytical insight is in danger of falling victim to the most vicious kind of Internet scam:

Dear Publisher and Supreme Editor-In-Chief,
As you may probably have sensed by now, I am highly disappointed at your reluctance to participate in any of the very attractive African politico-economic investment opportunities that I have faithfully brought to your esteemed attention in the past. As you surely know, the salary that you pay me does not go very far, not even in Chad, where life is proverbially cheap.

I have searched for legal and dignified ways to augment my trifling ML income, and today received, as though from an all-wise and ever-providential God, an amazing offer (appended below) over the internet.

I hope that you will readily see the obvious advantages of underwriting my entry into the ministry. Yes, I realize that US$78 is a major investment, more than I ever earn in even the best of fortnights, but I believe that it will repay itself in less than a year. And the Laminated ID Badge With Lapel Clip will give me immense credibility here, as well as spectacularly enhancing the prestige of Magellan's Log throughout the Arid Lands. Had I been ordained a few months ago, I would have been in the position of being able to perform the marriage ceremony between Linda Tripp and Strom Thurmond at the Pamplemousse Spa and Resort, and Magellan's Log would have reaped untold positive international publicity exposure. I also believe, although the offer does not specifically say so, that ordination will allow me to legally perform circumcisions and circumlocutions.

I know for a fact that the Florida address listed below is that of Kathryn [sic] Harris, so there can be no doubt about the legitimacy of the offer. Please advise if your spirit is moved to make this enlightened investment.

Looking forward to being able to call myself Reverend,
I remain,
                                                     Your faithful servant,
                                                     Nfubi Kwaadutu'
                                                     Street Bishop-in-Waiting

The offer:
Subject: Considering Ordination? We can assist you.

STREET BISHOPS, a U.S. based international ministry, wants to offer you ordination. This is a genuine outreach to enable those who want to serve an opportunity to do so.

STREET BISHOPS believes that ordination should be given to all who ask. One of the benefits of being a LEGAL member of the clergy is that you will be authorized to perform the rites and ceremonies of the church. They include:

WEDDINGS - You can earn part-time income officiating marriages on weekends. Couples are searching for a wedding officiates. Most states require that you register your certificate (THAT WE SEND YOU) prior to conducting the ceremony. Some pastors work full-time as a wedding officiate, so can you! And we'll put you in our database of officiates which receives thousands of requests for ordained ministers!

FUNERALS - The simple fact is that people die every day, providing a never-ending need for funeral officiates.

BAPTISMS - What a special way to welcome a child of God. As millions return to church and desire these official ceremonies, you are there to assist them! This adds to your part or full time income as a minister!

PRISON MINISTRIES - Since you will be a Certified Minister, you can visit others in need. Assist those who are ready to CHANGE their lives - You can play a major part in that decision!

HOSPITAL MINISTRIES - As an ordained clergy, you can be listed with most hospitals and conduct a successful hospital ministry.

WANT TO START YOUR OWN CHURCH? After your ordination, you may start your own congregation! We can offer much assistance as you begin your new place of worship.

APOSTOLIC SUCCESSION? Yes! Once accepted through our ministry, we will, at no additional admin fee, pass your file onto an independent Catholic order for consideration.

WHAT ARE PEOPLE SAYING? "You are truly an answer to prayer for myself and for hundreds, if not thousands, of men who have been frustrated with constitution, laws, and by-laws of most denominations who have denied brethren who have answered the call of God." - Colorado Springs, Colorado. "We've been wanting to take communion during the weeks we are without a Priest, and now we are able to do that." - Greenwith, Australia

WHAT IS REQUIRED? That you intend to become ordained to honestly bring love, understanding, peace, comfort, compassion, and forgiveness to the world. No degrees needed, no hoops to jump through, no restrictions on gender or any other ridiculous hurdle. Promise to honor God and that is all that's required.

YOU RECEIVE a professionally printed 8-inch by 10-inch color certificate and Letter of Ordination/Proof of Minister Certification in your name. We pay the U.S. shipping. For Shipping OUTSIDE the U.S. please add $15.00.

NEWSLETTER. You will also begin receiving our helpful newsletter with advice and answers as you begin your new ministry. This is what makes us very different from the others; we provide support along with the credentials.

THE STREET BISHOP goal is to make this life changing step easy and affordable so average folks like you can benefit from the advantages of being ordained, and you can be enabled to serve others. The administrative costs for processing the ordination is only $29.00.

FAX: To place your order by fax, complete the following form and fax to X-XXX-XXX-XXXX, or use postal mail.

MAIL: For Cash, Check, or Money Order, complete the form below, make your check payable to "TSG" and mail to

Ordination Committee Chair
3206 South XXXXXX
XXXXX, Florida XXXXX U.S.A.

The committee meets every other day, all applications processed within 3 days of receiving them.

Check all that apply:
__________ $29.00 admin fee for your Ordination Certificate/
                         Credentials
__________ $15.00 for International Shipping (if outside the US,
                         $6 if in Canada)
__________ Optional: $19 for personalized, laminated ID Badge
                         with Lapel Clip
__________ Optional: $15 for "Burch Liturgies", more than a
                         dozen full-length ceremonies for Baptism,
                         Marriage, Funerals, Etc.

---------------- Ordination Information ------------------------

Please print very clearly in dark ink:
Name of Applicant:
Academic Degree (if any):
Address:
City, State, Zip Code:
Phone Number:
Email Address:
Religion:
Denomination (if any):
Preferred Title: (example Reverend, Pastor, Priest, etc.):
Ministry Area(s) of Interest (Congregational, Hospital, Prison, Marriage Officiating, etc):
Website (if any):
Although not required, by sending us a one-page writing of why you are seeking Ordination, you will guide us in supporting you in your ministry.

Editor's Reply:
Nfu, Nfu. Since the world has gotten tired of pictures of starving children, and since Katherine Harris most rudely decided NOT to occupy the spiffy new U.S. Amassadortix's residence in N'Djamena, we understand and sympathize with your plight. There just isn't that much breaking news coming out of Chad. But how, we must ask, is "Street Bishop" going to look on your resumé when you at last feel you've grown too big for Magellan's Log and apply to become the N'Djamena stringer for the New York Times? Please think carefully about the effect on your until-now bright journalistic future of a foray into the hazy upper reaches of organized religion.

Two suggestions:
1. Study the career of Ms. Barbara Walters, who can serve as a valuable role model for all journalists faced with limited talent and limited stories worth covering.

2. Hang as much as possible in the newly opened Starbuck's in downtown N'Djamena. That, we understand, is where things are happening in your country. As a demonstration of our faith in your journalistic potential and of our typical American generosity, we have established an open tab there in your name. Drink as many decaf lattés as you want, all on us, and keep those percipient ears of yours open for the Next Big Thing in Chad.

END

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