Magellan's Log: Ah Swan! How Southern Are You Anyway?

If you like this piece, check out:
Is It Empire Yet?
The Funniest Book
of the 21st Century (So Far)!

wpe6.jpg (7537 bytes) 128 pages of the best satire from 6 years of Magellan's Log. Well beyond chortles, Is It Empire Yet? verges on the downright hilarious. "Swiftian," says one reader. "Rib-splitting," says another. "Brilliantly, uproariously offensive to all right-thinking Republicans," says yet another. 128 pp. Paperback. 8.5" x 11". ISBN 0-9767821-3-8. $21.95:

Or at amazon.com:
Is It Empire Yet?

gwtwmed.jpg (37798 bytes)
Miss Scarlett and her peacocks.

Ah swan!
How Southern Are You Anyway?

by Ceci Lumley

The first few questions below are making the email rounds as a kind of heart-warming bit of folksy humor regarding Southern customs and speech. Having grown up in the South, I was struck by the limited nature of the questions and was moved to add a few of my own to provide a somewhat more accurate measure of one’s Southernness.

Note: The music in the background is the "Tara Theme" from Max Steiner's score for Gone with the Wind.

TEST YOUR SOUTHERNNESS

1. Do you know the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption?

2. Do you know how many fish make up a mess?

3. Can you show or point out the general direction of cattywumpus?

4. Do you know exactly how long "directly" is, as in "Going to town, be back directly"?

5. Do you know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table?

6. Do you know exactly when "by and by" is?

7. Do you know instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad?

8. Do you know the difference between "pert' near" and "a rat fur piece"?

9. Do you both know and understand the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash?

10. Are you aware that "gol" (as in "goldarnit") and "dad" (as in "dadgummit") are alternate names for the deity?

11. Do you know that "fixin" can be used as a noun, verb and adverb?

12. Have you consistently resisted temptation and continued to vote the straight Democratic ticket?

13. Have you ever said, "Some of my best friends are ______ [Insert name of minority group]"?

14. Do you know the name of General Robert E. Lee’s horse?

15. If someone talks about "Oxford," do you assume that the reference is to the town where the University of Mississippi is?

16. If someone uses the word "Selma" in conversation, is your first thought about whether it was your second or third cousin on your mother’s side who lived there?

17. Do you know the location of at least one "hanging tree" in your county or parish?

18. Do you still find it difficult to use the term "slingshot" in referring to that weapon (if you have no idea what this question is about, you are definitely not Southern and should stop taking the test at this point)?

19. Do you consider the term "civil rights" to be a racial euphemism, and the term "states rights" a noble battle cry?

20. Do tears come to your eyes and chills run up and down your spine when you hear "Dixie"?

Scoring:
If you answered "yes" to all 20 questions, you are a true Southerner. If you answered "no" to even one question, you may be sure that your grandpappy is spinning in his grave at Antietam. The more times you answered "no", the faster he’s spinning.

END

Back to Magellan's Log 50

Magellan's Log front page

Send this page to a friend.