pH for the Value-free
New Millennium

Now that recent literary-theoretical analysis has demonstrated the falseness of ALL values, we enter an age in which the only value is ABSOLUTE NEUTRALITY.

The question then becomes: If all values are false, how do we determine Neutrality?

Science, as it often does, provides a ready workable answer. A century ago, German chemist S.P.L. Sorensen (1868-1939) developed the "pH Scale," a handy means of determining the relative acidity or alkalinity of any substance. In its simplest form, the pH scale looks like this:

"7" in the center is perfect neutrality, neither acidic nor alkaline. As you move away from 7 in either direction, it’s headache-time for non-nerds because the scale is (get out the Advil) logarithmic. Now you have to remember high school algebra class. "Logarithmic" means that each increment is ten times greater than the previous increment. For example, a substance with a pH of –5 is ten times as acidic as a substance with a pH of 6. Got that? Good.

The pH of battery acid is around 1, that of lemon juice is about 3. At the other, alkaline end of the scale, baking soda is about 9, and household bleach about 13. The pH of distilled water is, of course, 7.0.

The conceptual breakthrough for the MLDOSC* team came when they realized that all, repeat ALL, human behavior falls on a scale ranging from depression to ecstasy, from nihilism to chiliasm, from Republicanism to Democratism, from Yugo to Lesux, from Mahler to Messaien, from Dylan to Donovan, from Stone to Spielberg, from Fox to IFC, from William F. Buckley to Christopher Hitchens, from Martha Stewart to Julia Childe, from William Rehnquist to Abe Fortas, from F. Scott Fitzgerald to Susan Isaacs.

From there, it was a relatively simple matter to construct the "pH Scale for the Value-free New Millennium." Which our team promptly did.