SCOOP! Capitalism
DOES Too Have a Heart!
by Doc Cuddy

While the mainstream media have been blocking streets around the Enron skyscraper in downtown Houston, we sent one of our intrepid investigative reporters to hang out in the vicinity of The Huntingdon (see picture), a 34-story condo in River Oaks. Why? Because we knew of at least one Enron exec who lives there.

Our guy went with no specific instructions. His assignment was just to keep his eyes and ears open. Next thing you know he comes rushing into the office, breathless.

Seems he’d tailed one of the concierges going to lunch at a nearby Schlotzky’s and had wound up seated at a table with said concierge.

Idle chatter soon yielded to warmer mutual queries which led to 1) the two parties making a date for that evening, and 2) the following startling and encouraging revelation.

(Note re confidentiality: Since The Huntingdon has more concierges than your average high school has assistant football coaches, we are confident that the condo management will be unable to track down the one who talked.)

This was what we learned:

A recently "retired," very very highly placed Enron executive, whom we will refer to only as "Mr. KL," occupies one of the very very large condos at The Huntingdon. Turns out Mr. KL, in spite of his own many many personal worries, has found time to be concerned about the 6,000 Enron employees who lost their life savings when the company collapsed.

His concern led him into discussion with the management and owners of The Huntingdon, who have now agreed to Mr. KL’s incredibly generous suggestion.

To wit:

Aware that some of those 6,000 newly unemployed aren’t going to be able to make their next house payment, Mr. KL and The Huntingdon are offering A TEN PERCENT DISCOUNT OFF THE PRICE OF ANY CONDO ON ANY FLOOR to ANY LAID-OFF ENRON EMPLOYEE!

A one-bedroom that normally goes for $675,000 is available to any former Enron employee for only $607,500!

A penthouse that normally goes for $1,695,000 is available to any former Enron employee for only $1,525,500! That’s a saving of $169,500!!

But wait. There’s more!!!

For any former Enron employee who acts within two weeks, the management of The Huntingdon will WAIVE THE MONTHLY MAINTENANCE FEE FOR ONE MONTH!!!! Which, since the fee is 40¢ per square foot per month, is nothing to sneeze at.

For that 13,000-square-foot penthouse, we’re looking at a further savings of $5,200!

And finally, the clincher: Aware that ex-Enroners are scrambling for cash at the moment, the Huntingdon guys say, "Buy now, and make no payments until January, 2003!"

Until our reporter came in with this news, we have to admit that the cynical, progressive-minded, left-leaning editors of Magellan’s Log had been thinking some pretty harsh thoughts about big-time capitalists and their politician-puppets. But faced with this kind of open-handed, open-hearted generosity, we’re having second thoughts.

In fact, a few of our staffers have been heard mumbling about whether they could somehow wangle being HIRED by Enron just so they could get laid off and take advantage of this one-time, incredibly generous opportunity to enjoy the luxury amenities (see photo) hitherto available only to the most successful major capitalists, televangelists, talk-radio hosts, retired politicians, and the like.