In Times Like These
Mojo for the Modern Age*

by Jerden Purmort

Some have attributed the continuing electoral success of the Republicans to the large amounts of cash available to them from the super-rich around the world. In a kind of theological you-scratch-my- back-and- I'll-scratch-yours analysis, others attribute the success to the possibility that God really is on their side.

Given that a team made up of the likes of Dubya, Laura, Karen Hughes, Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Paul Wolfowitz, William Rehnquist, Clarence Thomas, and Tom DeLay has risen to the pinnacle of power, we can understand such extreme attempts at figuring out how such a thing happened.

Several months ago we assigned Edward Hothi, one of our most intrepid investigative reporters, to dig deeper. We are pleased to report (because there is the definite smell of Pulitzer in the air around the Magellan's Log offices these days) that he has finally got to the root of the matter.

A disaffected West Wing staffer (her opening line in a secret meeting in an Alexandria parking garage was, "If I hear that man talk one more time about how he's going to 'eradicate evil from the world' I'm going to cancel my lifetime subscription to the Washington Times") recently passed on to our reporter an extraordinary document allegedly found in the bottom drawer of, as they say, a "highly placed" administration official.

This document was in fact a small four-color catalog, on newsprint, bearing the title, Mama Nora's Secrets of Life, Love, Money, and Power. Beneath a "black cat" logo (above) was printed a P.O. box number in Buda, Texas, a village south of Austin and not all that far from you-know-whose "ranchette" in Crawford.

Unfortunately, the disaffected staffer refused to give up possession of the catalog, and insisted on accompanying our reporter to the Alexandria Kinko's, where our man was allowed only fifteen minutes on the color copier before said staffer took the catalog and ran into the night.

On the following pages are, for the first time on public display anywhere, 12 of the deepest secrets behind the puzzlingly successful Republican quest for power (Attn. Pulitzer Committee: Are you clicking away?).

First Secret >>

*The images, altered here for purposes of satire, are copyright © 1995-2002 catherine yronwode. Those interested in the serious side of mojo will be well-rewarded by a visit to her site: http://www.luckymojo.com/catalogue.html.

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