The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. The tall tree says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

A drunken blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies, "Gimme a beer."

The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?"

To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your cock?"

God is talking to one of his angels.

He says, "Boy, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth."

The angel says, "What are you going to do now?"

God says, "Call it a day."

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window.

Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatolegical abnormalities."

"That's right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.

"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.

"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps of breast cancer."

"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."

Little Johnny was just being potty-trained and his mom tried this new method with 6 steps:

1. Raise toilet seat.
2. Unbutton pants
3. Pull pants down
4. Pull foreskin back
5. Pee
6. Push foreskin forward
7. Pull pants up and button up
8. Wash hands.
9. Dry hands.
10. Turn off light.

She walked past the bathroom one day and heard Johnny going 1,2,3,4,5,6 and she was thinking she did good.

Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast, "4-6, 4-6, 4-6, 4-6..."

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"

Q: What's the difference between a penis and a prick?
A: A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying... A prick is the guy who owns it.

Q: Why do men masturbate?
A: It's sex with someone they love.

Ten Things Not to Say to a Naked Man

1. This explains your car.
2. I never saw one like that before.
3. But it still works, right?
4. Are you cold?
5. I guess this makes me the early bird.
6. Ahhhh, it's cute.
7. Can I be honest with you?
8. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

A woman enroled in nursing school is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles.

The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks the woman if she knows what her asshole does when she has an orgasm.

"Sure!" she says, "He's at home taking care of the kids..."