| The Test
Here is a little test to re-assure you about how remarkably well you are holding up under
the absurd demands made on you by your army, your political cohorts, your endlessly
squawking religious leaders, your ridiculously wealthy supporters, and the rest of the
Answer each question with a number from 1 to 10, where
1 is a strong no and 10 is a strong yes. If you feel indifferent to the question or if you
feel the question doesnt apply to you, write 5.
_____ 1. Do you sometimes stand in front of the mirror
in the bathroom and think to yourself, "Im the most powerful man in the
world"? (Note: This question actually works only if your are the leader of either the
United States or France. If you are leader of a country other than the United States or
France, please change the question to: "Do you sometimes stand in front of the mirror
in the bathroom and think to yourself, Im one of the most powerful men in the
_____ 2. If you were not the leader of your country, would you really really like to drive
around in a Ford Excursion or Lincoln Navigator and play bump-em with Toyota Corollas and
_____ 3. Are you deeply grateful that your parents never tried to force classical music on
you or take you to art museums or any of those other sissy places?
_____ 4. Are you secretly proud when your children show some gumption and break a few
minor laws about under-age drinking, hanging out in gay bars, etc.?
_____ 5. Do you ever fantasize that your primary cardiac-challenged underling would go
ahead and have the Big One so then everyone could see that you are the one in charge?
_____ 6. If you are leader of the United States, do you often think seriously about
calling Carla Hill and asking if the rumors about the size of Clarence Thomass
you-know-what are true? If you are leader of a country other than the United States, do
you often wonder about the size of the you-know-what of the leader of the United States?
_____ 7. If you are leader of the United States, have you dropped hints to Karl Rove about
you and he trying a little OxyContin next time youre at the ranch and Lauras
keeping the home fires burning back in Washington? If you are leader of a country other
than the United States, have you dropped hints to your personal security force about
slipping LSD into the coffee next time you meet with the leader of the United States?
_____ 8. As your term of leadership goes on, do you find images of the Red Nuclear Button
popping up more and more often in your dreams? If your country doesn't have a Red Nuclear
Button, do you find yourself fantasizing more and more often about getting one, even a
fake one, for your desk?
_____ 9. If you are leader of the United States, do you long to have Rupert Murdoch, Jack
Welch, Bill Gates, and Leona Helmsley over on a Saturday night for an evening of Texas
Hold Em with a five-developing-country pot limit? If you are not leader of the United
States, do you secretly rely on the astrology column in your capital newspaper for
_____ 10. Do you worry because Jim Baker never calls you and youre the one who
always has to call him?
END OF QUIZ
Return your answers to your First Lady for scoring.