Magellan's Log: C.R.A.B.S. Do-it-yourself Test

C.R.A.B.S.
Do-it-yourself Diagnostic Test

Are you CRABS-positive? Find out in five minutes. Answer the following questions and then score yourself according to the table below.

1. In the last six presidential elections, how many times did you vote for the Republican candidate?
a. 0. b. 1. c. 2. d. More than 2.

2. How many copies of books by or about Strom Thurmond, Newt Gingrich, Henry Kissinger, Adam Smith, Milton Friedman, or Pat Robertson do you own or have you purchased?
a. 0. b. 1. c. 2. d. More than 2.

3. What was your reaction when the House of Representatives voted to impeach Bill Clinton?
a. Depression. b. Satisfied grin. c. Applause. d. Wild cheering.

4. This question has two parts. If you are male, answer the first part. If your are female, answer the second part.
(Men only) How do you react when you see a picture of Katherine Harris?
   a. My ulcer acts up.
   b. She reminds me of a nun who switched my hands in second grade.
   c. My you-know-what gets bigger.
   d. I want to you-know-what with her.
(Women only) How do you react when you see a picture of James A. Baker?
   a. I want to throw up.
   b. My world seems safe and secure.
   c. I want to hug him.
   d. I blush and feel a certain dampness you-know-where.

5. In that last year how many homeless people have you given money to on the street?
a. At least one. b. 0. c. 0. d. 0.

6. What is the average gas mileage of all the vehicles parked at your residence each night?
a. More than 25. b. 20-24. c. 15-19. d. 14 or less.

7. How many pounds of meat, frozen or otherwise, do you have in your kitchen at the moment?
a. Less than one. b. 1-3. c. 4-6. d. More than 6.

8. In the last year how much did you and members of your household spend on tickets to major league sports events?
a. Less than $50. b. $50-$150. c. $150-$500. d. More than $500.

9. In the last year, how many times has a person in your presence used any of the following words: fag, chink, cunt, wetback?
a. 0. b. 1-3. c. 4-6. d. More than 6.

10. If Jesus came back today, what would happen?
   a. He would soon be imprisoned.
   b. He would have his own TV show.
   c. He would hug George W. Bush and heal Dick Cheney.
   d. He would have an office in the White House next to the oval office.

SCORING:
Give yourself one point for each "a" answer, two points for each "b", three points for each "c", and four points for each "d". Total your points and write the number here:

____________

10-15:
While an MRI will show only a faint shell around your heart, you need to take remedial steps right away. For starters, dispose of any vehicles you own weighing more than 4,000 pounds at once.

16-22:
Cardiac shell hardening is already well underway. Try to limit your viewing of the Fox network, MSNBC, and the 700 Club to 3 hours per day.

23-29:
Your heart is in harm's way. Immediately cancel your subscription to the Wall Street Journal and cease all contributions to any organization of which Charlton Heston approves.

30-40:
Get thee to a lamasery.

END

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