 Tasteless Jokes 36 Heavenly Hopes He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died," he said to the third man in line. "Okay, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a
refrigerator...." |
| Scenic Cruise Few are aware that had the Titanic reached New York City, its next stop was to be Vera Cruz. This would have been a delightful experience for the passengers, but was especially important for the citizens of Mexico. The Titanic, you see, was carrying in its hold a thousand cases of Hellmann’s Mayonnaise, which was considered a great delicacy throughout Mexico. When word reached Mexico City of the tragedy that had befallen the great ship, Mexicans everywhere were so distraught that the government proclaimed a national day of mourning which is still observed, known as Sinko de Mayo. |
| Bad Air What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane Florida have in common? Somebody's
about to lose a trailer. |
| Yum A little girl was watching cartoons on TV, and a porno came on. She asked her mother, "Mommy, what are they doing?" Her mother replied, "Honey, they're making a cake." The next day, they went for a walk in the park, and the little girl saw a couple making out. She said to her mother, "Look mommy, they're making a cake." Her mother replied with, "That’s right sweetie." The next morning the little girl said to her mother, "Mommy, you and daddy were making a cake last night." The mother blushed and said, "How did you know?" "Because, the little girl replied, " I just licked the icing off the sofa." |
| South of Eden A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles are. "Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life," he tells her, by way of poetic concealment. She tells this to her mother, who replies, "Did he say anything about that dead branch they're hanging on?" |
| Hellish Hopes A guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment. The first room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy, not keen on this, asks to see the next room. The next room has a middle-aged guy being tortured with fire. The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has a really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde. The guy jumps at the chance and selects that room. The devil walks
into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says "Okay, you can stop now you've
been relieved." |
| Pedagogical Hopes The drinking age in Arkansas has been raised to 35. They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools. |
| Lavatory Hopes A man walks into a bathroom and starts taking a leak. Next to him is an elf also taking a leak. The man casually looks over and notices the elf’s very large organ. The man can’t resist asking the elf how he got such a huge penis. The elf tells him he's one of Santa’s helpers and Santa himself gave it to him. The man asks the elf how he could get a penis like his. The elf explains that he could grant the man three wishes and he could wish for it. So the man wishes for: 1. All the money in the world. 2. All the
women in the world. 3. A dick as big as his. The elf agrees to grant the three wishes
provided the man lets the elf fuck him in the ass. The man thinks to himself, all the
money, all the women, plus a big dick, and he let's the elf have his way with him. After
the excruciatingly painful ordeal the man asks for his three wishes. The elf zipping up,
smirks, "You imbecile! You still believe in Santa?" |
| Culinary Meditation Why did the Aggie stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said
"Concentrate." |
| Beyond Tom Sawyer One day a twelve-year-old walks into a whorehouse dragging a dead frog on a string behind him, slaps a hundred dollar bill on the counter and says "I want one of your women." The madam looks at him and says, "Don't you think you're a bit young for that?" The kid slaps another hundred on the counter and says, "I want one of your women." The madam says, "Okay, have a seat, she'll be down in about twenty minutes." The boy slaps another hundred on the counter and says, "She has to have active herpes." The madam starts to sputter and ask why, but he slaps another hundred on the counter and says, "Active herpes." She responds, "Okay, have a seat. " Ten minutes later, a woman comes out. The boy, dragging this dead frog, follows her upstairs and does his business. As he's leaving, the madam asks him, "Okay, why did you want someone with active herpes?" The kid say, "When I get home, I'm going to fuck the babysitter, and when mom and dad get home, dad will take the babysitter home and fuck her on the way. And when he gets back, he and mom are going to go upstairs and fuck. Tomorrow morning after dad goes to work, the milkman will come in and mom will fuck him, and he's the bastard that ran over my frog." |
| There's One Born Every Minute One day a trucker is driving the last leg of a very long road trip when he sees a hitchhiker on the side of the road. He picks up the hitchhiker and they drive on. Hitchhiker says, "That’s a cool pet monkey you have there." Trucker says, "Yeah, he’s cool. Wanna see him do a trick?" Hitchhiker says, "Sure." So the trucker hits the monkey on the back of the head and the monkey starts giving the trucker a blow job. The trucker cums and then asks the hitchhiker if he’d like to give it a try. Hitchhiker stops and thinks a moment then says, "Sure, but you don't have to hit me on the head." END |
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Magellan's Log Copyright ©
2001 Texas Chapbook Press
www.texaschapbookpress.com