Magellan's Log: Supplement to Roget's Thesaurus

If you like this piece, check out:
Is It Empire Yet?
The Funniest Book
of the 21st Century (So Far)!

wpe6.jpg (7537 bytes) 128 pages of the best satire from 6 years of Magellan's Log. Well beyond chortles, Is It Empire Yet? verges on the downright hilarious. "Swiftian," says one reader. "Rib-splitting," says another. "Brilliantly, uproariously offensive to all right-thinking Republicans," says yet another. 128 pp. Paperback. 8.5" x 11". ISBN 0-9767821-3-8. $21.95:

Or at amazon.com: Is It Empire Yet?

The Magellan's Log Short Supplement
to Roget's Thesaurus of the English Language

by the Editors of Magellan's Log

It’s always seemed somehow un-American that the standard English thesaurus should bear a Frenchman’s name. Still, for decades Roget’s Thesaurus has served the word-challenged well.

Lately, though, what with the new millennium and the press of recent political advancement, we’ve been struck by certain shortcomings in the language. Not infrequently, we have found ourselves pausing at the keyboard, the cursor blinking for minutes on end, as we searched in vain for just the right word to describe certain new realities of the political and cultural landscape.

One day--actually, it was yesterday at 10:38 a.m.--in a moment of insight, the heavens opened and the voice of Daniel Webster spoke directly to us: "Look to your leaders!" the mighty voice thundered.

And so we have.

Result: the following rich additions to English verbiage. As we scan the list one last time before releasing it to the tongue-tied world of the New Political Reality, we can only wonder how we ever got this far without these verbs.

Use, and enjoy.

to nixon: to defecate in a largely uncontrolled manner. (coined by K. Friedman and to be found throughout his novels).

to ford: to pardon disgraced presidents who bomb third-world countries back to the Stone Age.

to kissinger: to win the Nobel Peace Prize after advising presidents to bomb third-world countires back to the Stone Age.

to reagan: to confuse cinematic reality with real reality and to convince millions of others to not only share in but to praise and reward your confusion.

to nancy: to stare mindlessly for hours on end at one who reagans; also, to wear red really well.

to thomas: to use a coke can for sexual release in such a way as to get one's pubic hairs entangled therein.

to north: to usurp the constitutional powers of one who reagans.

to daddybush: to pardon such usurpers freely and joyously.

to barbara: to work for years teaching one’s eldest son that although he may not be the smartest kid on the quad, a really good smirk will carry him a long way.

to clinton: to defecate willy-nilly upon supporters, friends, and family.

to hillary: to repeatedly and unquestioningly wipe the anal area of one who has just clintoned.

to chelsea: to attend a university as far from one’s parents as possible.

to monica: to fellate in a blue dress; also, to get off by means of a cigar.

to linda: to betray a fellatrix.

to baker: to steal a large state’s electoral votes in broad daylight and on television, without blushing once; also, when before TV cameras, to bear the demeanor of Goebbels, Göring, and that lot.

to harris: to aid and abet the stealing of a large state’s electoral votes; also, to act as a secret agent for Avon Products.

to delay: to foment a small riot to aid and abet the stealing of a large state’s electoral votes.

to rehnquist: to lovingly wipe the anal area of one who has bakered.

to cheney: to apply tongue over a period of four years to the anal area of one who benefits from rehnquisting.

to babybush: to pretend to be president following rehnquisting.

to billandhillary: to pardon financial and drug miscreants for fun and profit; also, to filch large quantities of household goods from one's prior furnished, rent-free residence.

to lincoln: to turn over in your grave as you consider what’s become of your nation.

END

Back to Magellan's Log 31

Magellan's Log front page

Send this page to a friend.