Tales from the Outback I
What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?
The good ol' boy raises livestock.
The redneck gets emotionally involved.

Tales from the Outback II
There is a new commander of a base of the French Foreign Legion, and the captain is showing him around all the buildings. After he has made the rounds the commander looks at the captain and says,

"Wait a minute. You haven't shown me that small blue building over there. What's that used for?"

The captain says, "Well sir, you see that there are no women around. Whenever the men feel the need of a woman, they go there and use the camel."

"Enough!" says the commander in disgust.

Well, two weeks later, the commander himself starts to feel in need of a woman. He goes to the captain and says, "Tell me something, Captain." Lowering his voice and glancing around, he asks, "Is the camel free anytime soon?"

The captain says, "Well, let me see." He opens up his book. "Why, yes, sir, the camel is free tomorrow afternoon at two o'clock."

The commander says, "Put me down for two o'clock then."

So the next day at two o'clock the commander goes to the little blue building and opens the door. There inside he finds the cutest camel he's ever seen. Right next to the camel is a little step stool, so he closes the door behind him and puts the step stool directly behind the camel. He stands on the stool, drops his pants, and begins to have sex with the camel. A minute later the captain walks in.

"Ahem, begging your pardon, sir," says the captain, "but wouldn't it be wiser to ride the camel into town and find a woman like all the other men?"

Tales from the Outback III
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?

"There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

If Unca Walt Only Knew...
Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!" Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him."

The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!"

The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?"

Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes."

The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, "Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?"

The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska."

The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!"

The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"

To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes."

Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!"

The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?"

To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah.....are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?"

The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska."

At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"

Lessons in Home Economics
Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.

Child: Mother, where do babies come from?

Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room, and they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.

Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room, you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when a you do that?

Veritas in Budweiser
So, this guy, Bill is sitting at the bar and pulls out this tiny little piano and a little guy about a foot tall. The little guy sits down and starts playing the piano quite beautifully. The fellow on the next bar stool, Joe says" That's amazing. Where did you get him?"

Bill says "well I got this magic lamp with a genie" So the other fellow says that's great could I use it? Bill says "sure " and hands him the lamp.