Esteemed Editor-in-Chief:
Today I have some uplifting news. Linda Tripp, Chad's second-most- valuable import, has opened a new enterprise which will contribute immeasurably to our impoverished-but-unvanquished little nation's economy and prestige. I speak of The Pamplemousse International Nutritional Institute and Health Resort, a luxurious facility catering to the discriminating and wealthy foreign tourist in search of restoration and rejuvenation.

It all began about a month ago when Linda remarked to Mme. Ambassadortrix Kathryn Harris that there was often a pervasive feeling of emptiness around the Embassy during the many times when I (i.e., myself, Nfubi Kwaadutu) was not around to keep the diplomatic ladies company and regale them with stories of my exploits chasing journalistic scoops, hunting lions barehanded, and consorting with camels, or to enlighten them with my discourses on north-central African history, economics, politics, and sociology. Ms. Tripp pointed out that many of the embassy's 87 bedrooms had never yet been slept in, that the dining room was often used by only two or three people, that the 45,000 square-foot fitness center was frequently unused for days at a time, and that the lushly-irrigated Jack Nicklaus-designed 18-hole golf course that she built in anticipation of visits by Jeb Bush and his brothers was also getting no use.

"Suppose," she asked Mme. Kathryn, "we turn these underutilized assets into a revenue-producing entity, a 'profit center', if you will. I can envision a wonderful health resort where I can show people how to lose great amounts of unwanted weight, just as I myself have done, where people can go on strict grapefruit diets, learn to eat healthily, relax in the tropical sun, partake of some discreet recreational opportunities, and perchance have a bit of plastic surgery performed." Intrigued by the notion of being able to put her Florida-grown grapefruits to good use (and perhaps avail herself of a little reconstructive surgery as well), Mme. Ambassadortrix gave Linda an unqualified green light.

The PINI&HR has been operating quietly for about a week, catering to wealthy but obscure Republican contributors, and ironing out the little details that accompany such an ambitious venture. But today, all that has changed -- we now have a major celebrity guest, and have implemented President Dubya's enlightened policy of bipartisanship.

I speak of course of our guest number 57, Senator Hillary Clinton's big brother, Hugh Rodham. He came here to escape the unwanted attentions of the ill-mannered US press corps, and revealed that he thought that he may be about ten pounds over his ideal weight, and would like to get back to that state. Ms. Tripp reassured him that he didn't need to lose the whole ten pounds unless he really wanted to, and the examining physician suggested that he go on a rigorous exercise regime of 18 holes of golf a day, while smoking a 13-inch Monte Cristo Cuban cigar for its pulmonary and cardiovascular benefits.

So far, this determined fellow has stuck faithfully to his exercise plan. Indeed, I was able to take a photo of him engaged in his daily workout, which I am forwarding with this dispatch. You will notice that his caddy is not one of the local Chad youths that we usually provide for this purpose, but rather a seasoned US professional golfer who was helping him learn the game and has been suggesting some imaginative uses for the cigar. He introduced himself to me as William Jefferson, and when I went to shake his hand, I slipped on an unnoticed discarded grapefruit rind and bumped into him. Embarrassed, I quickly said "I beg your pardon," and he answered cryptically "In that case, your chances would be better if you went through Hugh, here." This perplexed me no end, and I hope that I did not inadvertently violate some American custom that I was unaware of.

Needless to say, the PINI&HR has given a major boost to our economy, and a definite frisson to Chad's social life. I am beginning to think that our very hot but not uncomfortably humid nation may be entering a Golden Age.