One participant introduced himself as a Floridian. Bush's brother Jeb is the Florida governor and was at the center of the five-week dispute over that state's punch-card ballots and their chads.

''I'm about to name my brother the ambassador to Chad,'' Bush joked.

Most Esteemed Executive Editor in Chief:

Thank you for Fed-Exing me the above dispatch. I fully agree with you that Chad's telephone lines are not really secure for important confidential communications (whether by voice or modem), and that it is safer to use a non-electronic form of communication, provided that it is as swift and reliable as Federal Express™.

Before we get down to serious business, allow me on a lighter note to tell you that Cast Away [link to review] just opened here at N'Djamena's 3-screen (we're not a large or prosperous nation, alas) Cineplex Odious in the posh northwestern suburb of Haaricots-Verts, and I rushed down to see it using my credential as Magellan's Log's National Film and Television Critic to gain complimentary admission. I truly loved the film, especially the desert part of the desert island (which reminded me so much of home), and of course I was impressed with the efficiency of the company in the film that delivered all those packages and overnight letters on time and in good condition. I am most pleased that you have chosen Federal Express™ to be the Official Courier and Corporate Partner of Magellan's Log, and I can tell you that our periodical's national prestige rises enormously whenever the neatly-uniformed drivers stop by to pick up or deliver. I must tell you that our chief competitor in Chad uses the service with drab brown trucks and brown-shirted employees, and as a result they are far less respected than we are. So, I give both the film and FedEx™ itself two thumbs up, for a total of four.

So, now I must doff my frivolous critic's cap and get down to the more serious task of hard-news journalism and investigative reporting. Despite my world-renowned journalistic objectivity, I was somewhat disturbed and demoralized by the news that the two fairest white ladies ever to reside in Chad, even temporarily, may be slated for replacement by someone less beautiful, even though he may be your President's smarter brother. Once over my funk, however, I realized that I had work to do, and fortunately the FedEx™ driver was going to be headed forthwith to the US Embassy after leaving our bureau, and was kind enough to let me ride shotgun after I explained our Corporate Partnership to him. The ride was most enjoyable, with scores of dusty malnourished little ragamuffins looking admiringly at our immaculately-maintained white-blue-and-orange FedEx™ truck with the elegant Helvetica lettering, and I truly felt like royalty just being able to ride in that splendid vehicle. We made excellent time driving first through Haaricots-Verts, and then to the even more posh suburb of Pamplemousse, northwest of H.V. Pamplemousse, of course, it the exclusive gated community where the U.S. Embassy is located, and it receives dozens of FedEx™ packages every weekday. Its name reflects the citrus-growing activities that are the foundation of the Ambassadortrix's impressive family fortune.

Once there, I alighted and repaired directly to Kathryn Harris' office, where I found the usually lovely lady looking nearly unrecognizable due to the runny mascara caused by several hours of weeping copiously enough to irrigate our Sahara Desert and fill all the cisterns of N'Djamena as well. To be brutally frank, she looked even worse than Tammy Faye Bakker did when she wept on TV -- I have never seen so much displaced eye-liner on one woman's face.

"Fubi !", she cried out upon espying my lithe yet athletic form (she has never learned to pronounce the N), "I am as devastated as a Palm Beach County lepidopterist! -- What ever shall become of me? Linda's been on the horn with Lucianne Goldberg, and all that cynical hag would do was tell her 'you didn't listen to me when I told you to record everything'. I always knew she was jealous of me -- my youth, my good looks, my cosmetologist, my grapefruit plantation, my unlimited access to Jeb."

What could I do, other than comfort this deposed princess among women as best I knew? I told her that I am a journalist and not a prognosticator, to which she replied "Oh yeah, well if you're not, exactly what was it that we were doing last Thursday night?" After I explained the art of prognostication to her, she became visibly less annoyed with me, and invited me to join her at poolside, where she usually gives press conferences and grants journalistic interviews. She commanded the smartly uniformed butler to bring us Jaegermeister shooters (this lady is an absolute aristocrat, even when devastated by the most adverse circumstances), and we began to explore the possibilities for the future.

I pointed out to her that Dan Quayle was scheduled to stop for a few days in Chad on the way to his posting as U.S. Ambassador to Japan, and that perhaps he could intervene with President W. on her behalf. At this suggestion, she adjusted her kaftan and brightened visibly. "Fubi," she announced "you have the wisdom of one twice your age and half your size. President W. has always admired the intellect of Ambassador Quayle, since it is fully the equal of his own, and the Ambassador and I have always gotten on famously. Surely he will give me succcor and wise counsel, and then act on my behalf." Overjoyed at this prospect, she invited me to stay for dinner, grapefruit dessert, and a late movie in the ambassadorial screening room, and promised me exclusive access to any news that would come out of her meeting with Ambassador Quayle next week. So, keep your eyes peeled for the arrival of the FedEx™ truck, because I think I can safely promise you some major scoops next week.

I am most grateful for your most thoughtful shipment of cold-packed shucked oysters from Houston's world-renowned Captain Benny's on the Half Shell. Thanks to the speed and reliability of Fed-Ex™ delivery, they arrived here, nearly halfway around the globe, utterly fresh, and did not cause any of the food poisoning that resulted when you used UPS last month. You may be assured that a steady supply of these nutritious molluscs will enhance my performance and facilitate some penetrating journalism here in Pamplemousse and N'Djamena.

                                             I remain your most faithful scribe,
                                             Nfubi Kwaadutu