Most Highly Esteemed Executive Editor in Chief:

Today, as is my custom, I was perusing the Internet's second- most- wonderful webzine (we all know which one is Number One***), and came across a fascinating interview with Lloyd Kaufman, head of Troma Films. At first I thought that Troma was named after our newest African nation (created by secession from the Congo Republic), but I soon learned that it is one of the last surviving truly independent film producers in the U.S.A., successfully making feature films for about one third of a million dollars each.

You may be sure that my ears pricked up when I read the following statement by Mr. Kaufman:

"Making a Hollywood movie is more about how big the stars' honey wagon is [I presume this refers to a portable privy rather than a bodily part], or what kind of limo is going to pick them up. Marty Baum at Creative Artists Agency, a big-time agent, once told me that Sandra Bullock's hair budget -- and this goes back about five years -- was $700,000 in her contract. That's two Troma movies.
"It's obscene. It's ridiculous. It's absolutely absurd in the context of, say, Africa, an entire continent falling off the face of the globe, starving and having each other hacked to death and getting corn-holed [here I assume he is referring to incarceration in a grain-storage bin], while these people are getting more money for hair than the entire budget of Chad!"

Of course this was shocking to me, and after first conferring with President Colonel Bouche about the magnitude of the Chad budget, I took this information to Ambassadortrix Kathryn Harris and her Special Assistant Linda Carotenuto Tripp and gave it to them at their private midnight press briefing. To say that these fine women were incensed would be a major understatement! If their anger had been firewood, you would be able to roast a pair of mature two-hump camels with it and still have enough British Thermal Units left over to cook a few dozen sheep and goats, and boil water for tea as well. After their anger subsided, they both burst into tears and assured me that they would take this shameful example of injustice to the highest levels of their new government, to Secretary of State Adam Clayton Powell, or to President W. Bush, or, if needed, even up to Vice-President Chaney, and get solution and results quickly.

Allow me to express the opinion that the arrival of these two excellent diplomats in Chad has been the finest thing ever to happen to our impoverished yet proud little nation. I eagerly look forward to the increase in foreign aid that they will procure for us, which will be even more welcome than the stunning visual contribution that their presence has already created here. I also stand ready to follow up on this dispatch when the fruits of their impassioned lobbying efforts become known here.

                                                         Your Faithful Scribe,
                                                         Nfubi Kwaadutu