No. 6 in an On-going Series

Tripping out in Chad

by Nfubi Kwaadutu

Most Esteemed Editor-in-Chief:
Thank you for the generous raise and increased expense allowance. This will be beneficial not only for myself, but for the magazine, since it will enable me to cut a more impressive swath as I circulate through N'Djamena's upper social, political, economic, and military circles in search of exclusive stories for our readers.

Speaking of readers, you tell me that we have one in Antarctica -- I will endeavour to take some summery photos of our beautiful Lake Chad beaches to warm up this poor person, who probably has little to do besides staring at the hole in the ozone layer and tipping over penguins, which I hear is quite the sport in those parts.

I also thank you for the photo of Linda Tripp [Chad Report No. 5], but, alas, this is not one suitable for enlarging and giving to our President Col. Bouche. I know that in your single-minded devotion to the muses of journalism you do not pay the same sort of obsessive attention to feminine pulchritude as I do, so you probably did not notice that the photo you put up on the website is of the real Linda, the poor unfortunate wretch that G_d deposited on earth a half-century ago, and that Linda's own inner soul created over the subsequent decades. This is not what we -- I and all our sophisticated readers -- wish to see, except for purposes of comparison. Instead, we wish to see the manufactured Linda, the perfected Linda that is the product of good old American money (contributed by a wealthy anonymous donor) and know-how, the Linda that has benefited spectacularly from extensive plastic surgery, liposuction, crash diets, the ministrations of myriad fashion and makeup consultants and many trips to clothing boutiques and cosmetics salons.

This is the Linda that we will soon be seeing in Chad; the Linda whose beauty rivals even that of her boss, the exquisite Kathryn Harris. Do Magellan's Log's readers deserve to see anything less? Please try to do this before the month is over, because out President Col. Bouche has been asking nearly every day as to when I will give him the laminated 11" by 17" color laserjet portrait of Linda to be hung alongside the one of Kathryn that occupies a prominent position in his famous Trapezoidal Office, the seat of political power in Chad.

I continue to attend without fail Ms. Harris' private midnight briefing sessions, and although I am not at liberty to reveal any specifics yet, I can assure you that there will be some major news to be reported soon, involving may notable visitors who are scheduled to come to Chad to confer with Ms. Harris and Ms. Tripp. I can tell you that Ms. Harris has been very generous to the press corps here, having citrus fruits and juices Fed-Exed in from her Florida plantation, and lavishing the bounty of her succulent lemons, oranges, tangerines and grapefruits upon Chad's vitamin-C-deficient ink-stained wretches. This never happened under the Democratic administration, which would speak nobly of aiding central Africans, but would never send us fruit baskets.

                                                       Eagerly awaiting more Tripp photos,
                                                       I remain your faithful scribe,
                                                                                Nfubi Kwaadutu

The Editor Replies:
Cognizant of the increasing centrality of Chad in the world-order, we set our research staff to the task of finding a picture of Ms. Tripp more to your (and your president's) taste. We hope you (and your somewhat picky president) are pleased with the results of our search (see below).

Pre-makeover.

Post-makeover.

END

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