Readers Galore!
One of the paradoxes of our fast-moving age is this: In spite of the abudance of cyber-wonders, it is still an age of flourishing fiction. In some airports you can hardly get to the loading gates at your local airport-mall for all the magazine stands overflowing with brightly bound novels bearing blurbs such as "Stunning!" (New York Times Book Review), "Scintillating" (Washington Post Book Review), "Existential!" (New York Review of Books), "Bracingly reactionary!" (Washington Times).

Indeed, it often seems that everybody and his brother or sister wants to write a novel. Indeed, it is the rare novelist who is not constantly bombarded on his or her book tour with requests from unpublished readers to read his or her ten-pound laser-printed family saga. Movie rights! Ancillary product points! It's all waiting for you, the talented but hitherto undiscovered writer of gripping fiction sagas of verisimilitude and derring-do! You too can have entire Canadian forests cut down so the world can read YOUR fictive words with the most bated breath!

Turning Words into Dollars!
What many would-be James Micheners never realize is that they are within an inch of being published. All they--YOU!-- need to do is to go through their MS’s and apply certain basic rules of style and content, and then, lo! they-- YOU!-- are immanently publishable!

And what are those simple rules of style and content?

That is where Famous All Authors Best Seller Quick Publishing School comes into the picture. Based on the accumulated years of writing and publishing experience of our knowledgeable, experienced staff, we have reduced our collective wisdom to a series of 32 indispensable writing lessons.

Make your way through all 32 scintillating lessons and you will find yourself writing like, well, maybe not quite like Shakespeare—but then who among us can, n'est-ce pas?—but certainly at least as well as those guys and gals filling the airport newsstands.

Looking out from behind your pile of rejection slips, you are of course skeptical.

To convince you of the value of the Famous All Authors Best Seller Quick Publishing School, we herewith offer you absolutely free-of-charge excerpts from two introductory lessons.

Sample Lesson 1: Word Order.
English is a language that depends on word order. Without word order, what a mess English would be!

The basic word order of English is subject-verb. That’s it! Hard to believe, but it really is that simple!

All you have to do is go through your manuscript and get rid of all those introductory prepositional phrases and dependent clauses.

Remember: Subject first, then the verb.

For example, suppose as an editor, you receive a manuscript and see the following opening sentence: "Call me Ahab." What should be the first thing you do?

As a graduate of of the Famous All Authors Best Seller Quick Publishing School, you would know to take out your trusty blue pencil, make a few marks, draw a few arrows, write a couple of words, add a note of encouragement to the author in the margin ("Nice!") thus helping the author to a much punchier, really grabby opening:

"My name is Ahab."

Remember: subject-verb. Ernest Hemingway certainly remembered, and look where it got him!

See how easy it is? Now let's go on to:

Sample Lesson 2: Language Enrichment.
You can’t go wrong with what you learned in Lesson 1, but let’s face it, too many subject-verb sentences and next thing you know you’re sounding like, well, Ernest Hemingway. (All subject-verb and nothing else not only makes Jack a dull writer but he may wind up sticking a shotgun in his mouth!)

What to do? Language enrichment, that’s what!

Stick in an adverb here, an adjective there, sort of like the final stages of decorating a Christmas tree or Hanukkah bush when you carefully add ornaments here and there, and next thing you know you’re sounding like a real best-seller!

Let’s try a sentence on for size.

Charles Dickens was fine in his day, but can you imagine how far he’d get in today's competitive airport book marketplace if he attempted to published a novel that ended like this:

"It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known."

The words, though they’re good solid subject-verb sentences, just sort of lie there on the page, not really doing anything. Now take a look after we apply Sample Lesson 2 to the same deadly dull writing:

"Prettily, it is a far, far better, more stochastically extrapolated thing that I do, than I have ever tactilely done; climatically, it is a far, far better, more understeered rest that I go to than I have ever hormonally known."

Rich! Evocative! Stimulating! Truly, writing for the ages.

And remember, the precise adjective or adverb is not what’s important. What’s important is the enormous ENRICHMENT that EVERY adjective and adverb brings to your writing. Just let your dictionary fall open and find adjectives and adverbs whose appearance or whose very sound you like and stick ‘em in!

You’ll be a best-selling, book-touring, talk-showing author before you know it!

Our other engrossing 30 lessons will teach you such tricks as:

Local Color: If Mark Twain could make Missouri sound interesting, then you can make your own setting or locale or mise en scène equally delightful! We show you how, by scanning the daily obituaries in your hometown newspaper, you can bring even the most remote environs vividly to life! We direct you to inspiring examples from immortals such as Dostoevsky and Russia, Raymond Chandler and Los Angeles, Bram Stoker and Transylvania, Grace Metalious and New England.

Physical Intimacy: As we all know, sex is not only fun, it sells. But how many of us can write truly compelling sex scenes? Even greats such as Jacqueline Susann had trouble when it was bedtime for her unforgettablly strung-out, randy characters. Using powerful sexualist creative models such as Henry Miller, Andrea Dworkin, and Susan Sontag, we show you how to master convincing lubcricious passages that will have your readers begging for more!

Pacing: We live in the age of the "fast cut" and ADD, so we offer you a number of tips on how to keep your story moving right along in what we like to call "the Schwarzenegger Mode." Remember: Smooth, logical continuity is a thing of the past! Think jerky!

Knowing Your Instrument: Do you think Shakespeare wrote with just any old quill? You may be sure he chose his writing tools carefully and knew them well. We pass on our hard-won knowledge about insider tips and tricks for Microsoft Word including such topics as "How to Avoid Suicide When Word Crashes," and "Living with a Wholly Inadequate Help Resource."

Dialogue: All great works of the writing art, from Oedipus Rex to The Rockford Files to E.R., live or die by the witty, incisive repartee that they contain. You too can turn out page after endless page of zippy, authentic dialogue like Elmore Leonard. We show you how to select your mini-taping device at your nearest Radio Shack and how to go about secretly recording the conversations of strangers at such vibrant local hangouts as bus stations, Salvation Army shelters, and down-at-the-heels bars for later transcription at home and insertion into your moving work of fiction.

Surprises: More than one famous author has made his or her name on surprises and we show you a few tricks of the unexpected trade, using what you might call sleight-of-keyboard. Remember: O’Henry was a famous writer full of surprise endings long before he was a candy bar!

Character Development: We show you how to put some of the most non-forgettable characters you’ve ever met into your novel. We teach you how to mine the rich treasures of human fallibility on view every night on your local TV news. If you lack access to local TV news shows, we guide you through the dusty recesses of your local second-hand book stores where you can pick up many like-new copies of Tom Wolfe really cheap.

Segue Skills: The dead giveaway of an amateur novelist is clumsy segues. We show you how to decide where to stop a chapter, and then how to smoothly guide the reader into the next section, using an invaluable, suspense-building plotting tool we call "Chapter Interruptus."

Brand Names: Product placement is the name of the game these days. Our hip staff is constantly scanning periodicals, TV, movies, and the Internet to keep you abreast of which brand names are in and which are out. Don’t let your hero get caught wearing a Movado when all your most with-it readers will know that if he were a REAL man he would be wearing a Bulgari.

Tricks of the Trade: Our most popular Lesson is filled with tips that separate the pro writers from the hackers. For example, only the pro's know that you don't have to worry about anything after Chapter 1 of your novel. Today's modern, fast-paced editors are either too underpaid or too overpaid to care about anything more than first impressions. Write even a halfway good Chapter 1 and you're home free. Editors will edit your first chapter to perfection, knowing that that's as far most most readers and all reviewers will get. After that, not to worry!